I'll probably be judged for this... But I need to say this a

Arora's picture
(4385)

I'll probably be judged for this... But I need to say this and this is the only platform where I can be me... I've poured my heart out in previous posts about my one and only failed relationship... I broke up, I moved on... I thought I moved on... I know it's very very bad decision but I went back to chatting online... That was an addiction for me... I know I cannot get rid of it... But it is a good addiction bcs it's helping me stay alive for now... I've completely refrained from anything sexual in chatting...like sexting or role playing etc etc... I'm only up for casual normal chat... Haha, that's what I tell anyone who msgs me... They're good really... More people are interested in casual chat... Probably bcs of covid and all... I've had some pretty good conversations... Until here, everything is good or as good as it can be considering my mental condition... The problem comes if I try something even remotely sexual... I'm getting anxious, like dropping the phone level of anxious if someone starts something sexual even if it is with my permission... I've never dropped the phone though... And the very few times I was able to stay normal, I keep remembering what happened with my ex and I become anxious again... The lines they use in sexting, like hugging or kissing or... I keep remembering how I felt with my ex... And it's not even bcs I liked it so much that I couldn't forget it... I didn't like it, at all... I wanted to forget it... I don't want to remember those two nights... I don't remember it completely... Only the bits and pieces... I remember the feel... The feel of his lips, the feel of his hair, body... I'm sorry if I'm telling too much... I don't know how else I could explain my problem... I want to forget it all... Just now, I got this idea that if I try it with another guy, it would replace the feel of my ex...and I was horrified that I'm thinking like that... So, here I am... Please help me... I don't know what to do...

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Arora's picture
(4385)
Feb 23

@packfan very true

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(240)
Feb 28

@packfan

Only for some of us. It seems to come quite easily for others.

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(240)
Feb 28

Please, don't take this the wrong way. I think I understand where you're coming from.

Way back in prehistory, I dated a girl. Actually, we got pretty serious. Set the wedding date for Christmas. Then, we made a mistake. Sex. It was my first time and it was her first time.

That first time tends to imprint on you. You bond. Each time after that, with a new person, it bonds less and less. Soon, you can have sex with complete strangers and never pay it a second thought. Of course, some of this is cultural. For my kind, mating is supposed to be a lifetime thing. It wasn't for her. Yes, we imprinted. But, she enjoyed it so much that she couldn't resist any man. She wanted to know what it was like with him. So, she just vanished. No goodbye or anything.

I was something like you are. But, then, we didn't have ways to talk like this. Remember, I said prehistory. Pre computers. Pre mobile phones. All I could do was just hurt. And, being what I am, it wasn't like women were falling all over me. They had men after them and could pick who they wanted.

What you're doing is good. It's a form of healing. You're moving on in a limited way. You're talking and putting some of it behind you. Sex will be harder. That's an intimate hurt. Yes, it can get easier. It will get easier. Time heals all wounds. But, sadly, you're female. Males look for females to use. When they start the mating dance, you're reminded of the hurt and it causes discomfort. This is natural.

I was able to move on and eventually found that right woman. Bonded, had a great life, and don't think about that first experience often. I can see what I thought was "love" then wasn't. It wasn't for me or for her. Love doesn't end. Lust does. And, we can easily confuse the two when hormones kick in. That's the animal nature of humans. The drive to mate and have offspring. With modern society, you have a lot of single mothers. That's hard on the mother and on the child.

But, you're strong and smart. Keep control and set your own rules. It's your body, not his. Mind you, this is coming from a male. You have sex when you want to, not when he does. If he can't respect that, and you, he isn't the one for you. Yes, it can feel good. The body is designed that way, for humans at least. But, you're in control. That bonding should be special on more than just a pleasurable level. If you want to do that, for fun, then commit to "fun," but it can always hurt. Sex can be very intimate and cause pain even if you don't think it can.

Take you time, heal, and move on. Talk, flirt, but always remember your goals and his may not be the same. Males like to play games and move on. I hear a lot of talk from males about how they are supposed to spread around and how settling down is unnatural. They play hard and don't care if they hurt.

Hugs and take care.

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