Too many sleepless nights and they're wearing me down. I fee

Too many sleepless nights and they're wearing me down. I feel like today was just another day in my life after. Will our lives ever be more than thoughts of before and after. Despite the fact that I've gotten only a few hours over the last few nights I find it difficult to get out of bed.
I feel as though I let him down when I have days like this.
Went to a barbecue at a friends with my kids. Held my phone for an hour fighting the urge to cancel. I pushed myself and played the part. Smiled, listened pretended to be interested in things that people talked about. I wish I could be more like my kids. Their smiles still seem so genuine. So real. I miss real smiles. I miss happiness. I miss him. The thought that we were supposed to grow old together makes my heart ache. I feel like a horrible person because now when I see people happy together I feel things that I never used to feel. I hate them. I'm jealous of what they have because I've lost it. Because I miss it. I hate the 'how you doing' with the look that sad scared look in their eyes. That look that says please don't let her say she's not okay, that her worlds been turned upside down and the feeling that nothing will ever be okay again.
Because they don't really want to know.
No one really wants to know because it scare them. It scares the to think that they could be living this hell and no one wants to know what hell is like. Here in this pain, this is hell. My hell and I live it everyday.

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[840]
Jul 15

Thank you for writing to me. It means a great deal. I'm sorry for your loss. It will be two years since losing my husband. As much as I know in my head that grief takes time it scares me how some days are so difficult. So overwhelming.
I attended a celebration of life today. Supporting a fried. Who'd lost their father and I found it so difficult to say anything. I think because and kind as all the words to me had been, and sincere at my most difficult time I know that none of those words brought me any comfort. I still went home with my three children and we worked through each day. I did my best not to burden my kids with my hurt to ensure they could have a strong person there for when they needed me. Sleepless nights, the tears. Maybe it wasn't the right way. Maybe I should have let them see how sad I was. Still today I turned my face away from my kids as I cried a little driving home from the celebration.
It's hard when I still get those sad looks. How are you doing. I don't want pity. I don't want the. To feel sad for me. We may not be doing the best. But we're managing as best we can. Most days I can push myself forward. Telling myself to make him proud, he's watching us.
I hold my kids when they're sad, when they miss him. I am fortunate enough to have a couple of friends who will come day or night to help with anything me or my boys need.
I just feel somedays like maybe I've pushed my own grieving process on the back burner while I deal with theirs.
Part of me wishes that some one would just come and hold me while I cried.
That's the hard part about losing your spouse. The one person whose helped you through everything isn't there to help you through the worst moment of your life.

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Anella's picture
[6065]
Jul 17

Please, please, please do not try to pushed down or hold back on your grieving process while you deal with the grief of your children. You ALL should be grieving together, maybe not the same way or intensity because you each grieve differently. However, you all experienced a loss. When you allow yourself to go through the process of grief, you help yourself heal and demonstrate to your kids that it's ok to grieve and not feel shame. Those good friends of yours who will do whatever they can for you and your kids will be willing to hold you while you cry...if they only knew. Don't hold it in. Trying to "be strong" is how we end up feeling like we have lost our strength. Several years ago I lost nine family members in one year. I was in shock, stunned and just numb for a good while. It took a few years for me to allow myself to express out loud how I felt. I suffered in silence for a while. It made things worse, not better. I understand that you want to be strong for your kids but being hiding your tears is not going to help them and it also teaches them to hide their feelings which is not healthy. We were created with a wide range of emotions. Display them. I read a really helpful brochure called "When Someone You Love Dies". I truly believe you will find it helpful because it shows the stages of grief that everyone goes through; although it may be in a different order or for different periods of time. It helps you to better cope with grief and gives good information for those who want to comfort grieving ones. So it will help you grieve and comfort your grieving children. Also, it has a list of comforting thoughts and expressions in the back that I still read to this day. I'm sharing the link below. Let me know what you think. I'm here you.
https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&pub=we&srcid=share

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[840]
Jul 17

@Anella
I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine how you managed through that year and then worked towards healing after so much heartache.
I think for me, that although I don't cry in front of my kids, except for a couple times I always let them know that it's okay to be sad, to cry if they need to. I worried about crying in front of them because I found d it so difficult to stop once I had started. Many nights falling asleep as I cried.
I found for me to get up everyday I told myself that he is watching and that I have to make him proud. So I also tell my kids that it's okay to think of daddy and smile to. Smiles would make him happy. So now after nearly two years I hear things like I miss daddy and daddy would like this. Something usually said by my autistic son. And as long as moment allows we take time to talk about daddy. If the moment requires it to be brief then I try to respond and let them know we can talk more about daddy at home.
Two years come September since we lost him and I think this just could be me feeling anxiety over the upcoming anniversary.
Some days it feels like were going along fine and other days it feels as though we won't be okay.
Also getting a lot of "advice" from people about moving on. I think the idea alone is stressing me out.
Thank you for sending me the link. I will check it out after I get some sleep.

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