Too many sleepless nights and they're wearing me down. I fee

Too many sleepless nights and they're wearing me down. I feel like today was just another day in my life after. Will our lives ever be more than thoughts of before and after. Despite the fact that I've gotten only a few hours over the last few nights I find it difficult to get out of bed.
I feel as though I let him down when I have days like this.
Went to a barbecue at a friends with my kids. Held my phone for an hour fighting the urge to cancel. I pushed myself and played the part. Smiled, listened pretended to be interested in things that people talked about. I wish I could be more like my kids. Their smiles still seem so genuine. So real. I miss real smiles. I miss happiness. I miss him. The thought that we were supposed to grow old together makes my heart ache. I feel like a horrible person because now when I see people happy together I feel things that I never used to feel. I hate them. I'm jealous of what they have because I've lost it. Because I miss it. I hate the 'how you doing' with the look that sad scared look in their eyes. That look that says please don't let her say she's not okay, that her worlds been turned upside down and the feeling that nothing will ever be okay again.
Because they don't really want to know.
No one really wants to know because it scare them. It scares the to think that they could be living this hell and no one wants to know what hell is like. Here in this pain, this is hell. My hell and I live it everyday.

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Theloved's picture
[124635]
Aug 6

Sending you my love, you're in my thoughts and prayers <3

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Brick99's picture
[190]
Aug 6

JayBlue, bingo! You hit it on the head. When someone asks me, "how are you doing?", I feel like I know what they want to hear and I'm pretty sure I know what they don't want to hear, so I just blow it off with "ok, I guess". 3 months for me and it's still hard to express.

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[850]
Aug 13

@JayBlue
I think that's a good answer. I often just answer with something about my kids if I'm not up to talking or they aren't asking to hear a real answer. It's sad how obvious some of the people who ask, how afraid they are to hear the truth.
It makes me wonder if I've ever asked someone in that way before. I hope I haven't.
How long since you've lost your someone special.
Almost two years and I still get asked with fear in their eyes. And often it's people I see frequently enough that I would have thought the awkwardness would have passed.

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