This week's Brilliant New Topic: Happy Tears, Sad Tears, Tears abound in 2020!

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This is my first time ever joining a group like this. I'm sa

danihogan's picture
[65]

This is my first time ever joining a group like this. I'm sad to see just how long it's taken me to realize this was even out there. For these past months I've been looking for tele groups for depression or anxiety or PTSD.
I am just going to lay myself out there on a plate right now. I am incredibly alone. Has anyone asked you before, "Well, what do you do for fun? What makes you happy?" I used to be able to at least have one or two genuine responses that I was like you know what these things do bring me somewhat joy, now I find myself struggling to respond, but also feeling pressured to come up with answers JUST so I can answer the question. Not because I genuinely mean it. I feel as if my depression, and anxiety, grief ( I will dive into that in a minute), PTSD is just taking over me. I feel numb, yet in immense pain at the same time. I feel so silent, yet like I am screaming on the inside just deteriorating.
I lost my parents to cancer. When I was 3, my mother to lung cancer. My father just two years ago to esophageal cancer. I have also been back and forth between 6 foster homes from 5 years old to 20 years old. I am currently 24. Due to my father being heavily addicted to drinking and battling it during my childhood.
I've graduated college. I think I'm a nice person. I have friends. I don't think I am the worst looking person, but I also treat myself horribly, and pretty much emotionally abuse myself. I can never appreciate a nice compliment without having to basically fight off the kind words being said about me because I think I'm a POS.
I am struggling. I feel like my capacity was way better when I was younger, and I was steel and nothing could even dent me. But now I feel as though I am constantly on survival mode. Having panic attack after panic attack. Running into the bathroom if I'm with a friend to regain control of my own breathing because I'm just freaking out. Wanting to constantly admit myself into the ER because I feel "pending doom". Now at the point of not even leaving my dark room anymore, crippling with depression and anxiety.
Anyone else have thoughts or shares on these god awful feelings that you feel like no one else around you understands, and it's literally like trying to describe water to them.

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CKBlossom's picture
[485575]
Oct 14

You have literally been in fight and survive mode your entire life, you are obviously a fighter, but that doesn't mean that you aren't broken. Your body is literally at a point where it is shutting down, it can't fight anymore on its own. This is definitely the time to look into therapy, you have a lot to work through, medication will probably be part of your path to healing. Look into finding a little joy everyday, find quotes that pick you up and put them around the house, burn nice candles, sit and meditate, go on a walk, adopt an animal. You have so much to look forward to in life, don't ever think you don't. Your life is finally your's to conquer, you just need some help and that is okay. Hugs and welcome.

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Haunted2's picture
[67695]
Oct 16

danihogan:
It's okay to think and feel the way you do... it's what you do with these thoughts and feelings that matter. So glad your reaching out ... if photo is of yourself ? 1st off I want to say your beautiful.. and achieving a college degree is something to be proud of. Compliments are not easy for you most likey from the walls of self protection you've built around yourself..., ( the steel armor you spoke of ) if you don't allow anyone in... they are unable to harm you ... you've protected yourself so hard for so long you are now harming yourself..only you know your sorrow and pain... I've been where you are... not living... just going thru the motions. Your a survivor to have made it through so much.. listen to your inner voice.. if your contiplating a trip to ER ... It is time to seek professional help... via: crisis center phone call... therapist or outpatient services at ER ... my thoughts and prayers are with you <3. private message me if needed.

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