Hello everyone. I'm going through a difficult time right now

redds's picture
(460)

Hello everyone. I'm going through a difficult time right now dealing with this all and needed to tell my story to people I know won't judge me and my feelings. On August 18th, my significant other of 3 years was murdered. He was gunned down just a few miles from my home. I was anticipating his return because he had virtual interviews to be completed that same day. A quick "love you, bye" before our brief conversation ended was our last words to each other. After sitting around and waiting, he never came back. I remember screaming, crying and feeling outside of my body holding his interview shirt when I got the call. It was abrupt, confusing and heart wrenching. I didn't want it to be the reality it was. After having him support me in the loss of my parents, I thought no one is here to help me now. I felt a heavy weight of abandonment and regret. Knowing that we weren't necessarily on "good terms" didn't matter because we still had an immense amount of love and care for each other (as human nature sometimes forces you to). But now I feel like it does matter. I can say I feel cheated out of opportunities we could've had to be greater together. I was looking forward to being a wife, a mother and building the family I wanted eventually. Like yesterday, the 13th of October was his birthday. I cancelled arrangements made long before the time came but the memories of what we planned out together was running through my mind all day. A lot of adjusting is still happening for me. I have to seriously take the initiative into seeking treatment so I can move on. I fear that if I don't, my love and loyalty will remain with someone who is no longer here with me.

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andine's picture
(78570)
Oct 14

@redds deeply sorry for your tragic loss. xxx

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(1905)
Oct 19

So sorry that you are still "reeling" from your SO's loss and tragic untimely passing. Sudden loss can sometimes feel more jilting and emergent that the loss of a person whom we know is passing. My sister passed in her sleep, she was middle aged, fairly healthy, no warnings. My other sister endured a grueling 7.5 years of a rare cancer that eventually took her life a year ago. Both were losses, but tragedy, pain and losing someone you love is just plain hard. No matter if it's sudden or long term illness that takes their life.
Have you ever considered journaling your thoughts, words and emotions "to" him or about him? It is very therapeutic to feel like he's still with you and having a place to "park" your thoughts helps you to process through them all. Yes, counseling would help, by all means get all the helps you can find. Grief support groups help a ton too. You will find peace and the ability to move on again if you want to move on and not stay stuck in the channel of grief and the what could have been. You deserve to heal and to get help for your pain. You are not alone.

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Piobaire's picture
(1660)
Oct 19

@redds

I'm so sorry for your loss. As you're seeing, such losses aren't confined to just one loss to grieve over, there are all the other losses entailed, the death of hopes, plans, and dreams; even delusions, that life is fair, stable, predictable, or safe. Grieving is a process, so give yourself time and permission and sacred space to grieve.
Don't listen to anyone tell you to 'move on', or that you should be over it by now. You'll never be truly 'over it'. You'll never be 'back to normal', but you eventually will establish a new normal, which won't always include tears. Allow yourself to feel the feelings as they arise, that's the only way to process them. Repress them, and they'll only fester, making you ill. It may not seem so now, but in time, you will heal.
Forgive all of the friends who can't be there for you because they haven't sufficiently made peace with their own mortality, and all of the well-meaning but deeply unhelpful advice; despite their ignorance, they really are well meaning at heart. Someday, you will be in their shoes, and what you learn now will better enable you to be there and hold sacred space for those who you will encounter grieving in the future, as we all will do, sooner or later.
It will get better.
May you find comfort, solace, & peace.

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