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Hello again, I have a complicated question. My family has a

Hello again, I have a complicated question. My family has always been difficult to get along with, after my father's death it has become worse and now even my friends are starting to disappear. It makes me angry, sad and frustrated. I feel I have given a lot to everyone in my life but don't feel like I am getting any back right now. Could I be the problem? I want to understand so I can fix it if I can.

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Mar 22, 2017

Hi. I just wanted to say how familiar your difficulties with family and friends sound to me. I lost my husband a year and a half ago and there are people who I would have expected to be around even just occasionally who never showed beyond coming to the funeral. I would see them out and a couple actually apologized and said they didn't know what to say or do so they avoided me. Oddly enough they still haven't come around.
What wasn't surprising when two of his friends stepped up and became more involved in my and my the sons lives. They visit all the time. She texts me almost daily and my kids have gained so much from them being so involved. They have become closer than most of my husbands family since his death. All it takes is a few or even just one special friend to help you through this. It amazed me how so few bothered after he was gone. But I've accepted that they aren't around and treasure the friends who proved to me that they were friends worth having.
I've also found the same with his family. It's awkward now. His father informed me of money that my husband had borrowed the day he'd taken us to see me and my kids to see his body While my children were in the back of his truck. I was hurt and angry that he'd chosen that moment. If I thought his father was struggling and needed the money I would have handed it to him in that moment but this is a man who brags about how well off he'll be when he retires. But he felt the need to ask for money right out his grandkids mouths at a time where I honestly had no idea of what our lives were going to be like financially.
My life became about tip toeing around his parents who could only see that they lost a son as well as his sister whose practically made a shrine to her brother at her front door. It makes me uncomfortable to step in her house and have that in my face. His brother is more level headed and even when he struggled with the loss of his brother I found that he and his wife were the only ones who could see that I'd lost a husband and my three boys all under ten would now grow up without a father. I don't mean to sound as though I need all the attention to be on me but when his parents were around I don't really recall a time where they asked how I or their grandkids were doing. Everything revolved around their loss their grief. It was and still remains to be a frustrating situation. As far as the friends go I just had to let what as happening go. Family I try to make more of an effort for the sake of my children. I want that link to their father to be there.
I think remembering what the effort you put in to your family and friends must give you something in return. It's a difficult enough time without people weighing your emotions down by not caring but trying to relative that some just don't know what to say or do. It's a difficult thing to see when emotions are riding a rollercoaster that seems as though it will never end.

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Theloved's picture
Mar 25, 2017

I'm no dr.. and I don't know you ... this one you might need a dr to help you sort threw. After my father passed .. what horrible toxic family I had, I put up with that for a long time decades.. but I finally quit beating my head against that wall and walked away,... I deserve to find peace as do you and everyone else.. I did work thru my situation with a dr.

Mar 26, 2017

Thank you. Unfortunately, that is not an option for me. I have gone through therapy before but my insurance doesn't cover it and I am making $7 hour less than what I used to make not to mention the bills piling up since my father passed. I have walked away from my family because I feel like they blame me for his death or something and it is too difficult at this time.


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