I have struggled with my sexuality since I was very young. W

I have struggled with my sexuality since I was very young. When I was only 5 years old I used to draw female figures with big boobs and because of it I was told off by my teachers and by my mom. After that, my cousins used to use me for kissing practice and I liked it. When I was 6, my neighbor found a porn comic and since I could read (she was younger than me) she gave it to me. Inspired by the comic, one of my female neighbor and I decided to imitate what the comic portrayed. I was the guy (I even pretended I had a penis) and she was the girl and we practice oral sex to each other −or as oral sex as you can when your external sexual organs have yet to developed− I was confused and I tortured myself because I was gonna burn in hell (I was raised in a very Catholic home).
I felt bad for a long time. I felt connected to boys and even fell in love with them, but I knew there was something there. I guessed I ignored it for a long time and played the straight card. I started masturbating when I was 13 and I was mostly exploring my body. I found porn when I was 14, I think, it was a picture of a penis and I remember that I was kinda forcing myself to feel aroused, then I found a pictures of naked girls and realized I like boobs, a freaking lot. I started masturbating watching girls and at that point I identified myself as bisexual. I assumed my bisexuality and all my close friends knew about it, but I was still dating boys. In my head girls were the object of my desire, but boys were the object of my affection. I didn’t feel butterflies in my stomach with girls, but I didn’t feel aroused with boys. I lost my virginity when I was 17. I didn’t come. I faked it, like I had faked all my orgasms ever since.
I kept dating guys, mostly because I moved to another city and started the university. I was emotionally tied to boys, but when we had sex there was no connection, in fact I don’t enjoy being penetrated. Since I was 17 years old until I turned 27, I only dated and had sex with boys. The results: no orgasms when I had sex with them, plus I always ended up masturbating thinking about women, especially thinking about me penetrating the women with a strap on.
I was so busy studying that I let it go. My male best friend and I got together and I told him about my orgasmless situation and he tried to help me, he really did, but it seemed that I was never focused enough to get the orgasm. I had one more boyfriend, who was very rough in bed, but I loved him, I really did. After he broke up with me, I got really depressed for three months. It really messed me up. Then, after that I got together with another guy, but at that point I think I realized there was something missing. I told him I was bisexual. Only four of my best friends knew about my bisexuality and they were cool with it. The new boyfriend said it was cool because he wanted a threesome. I never agreed to that because I know myself: I’m too jealous for that, I know that I would end up comparing or feeling that I’m left out or even not wanting them to touch each other.
I started going to a shrink at the University. She was the best, she helped me get over my ex and she also enlightened me. I thought she was very beautiful. I told her I didn’t know if I was bisexual or gay. She made me realized I was afraid of coming out. I was terrified; I didn’t want to be judged. I had been judged throughout my life for listening to rock, metal and punk music while studying in a Catholic school and I was fed up with it. I just wanted to be accepted and “normal”. After that one last ex boyfriend broke up with me (because we weren’t having enough sex. Come on who likes sex when you know you won’t get an orgasm?) Well, after al that, I told myself that I was gonna try with a girl. I got on tinder, chatted with some girls, but it was just platonic, relationships on the phones and I wanted something physical, I wanted to know if I was capable of achieving an orgasm with a girl; I was tired of faking them. I had a several sex toys, I even have a double dildo strap on.
I connected with a girl on a very deep level, but she lived in a different country. I kept checking Tinder, but I had to move. I went to Europe to work for 7 months. At that point I identified myself as a femme lesbian who dresses like a girl even though sometimes Is like a boy (I curse a lot, I’m loud, I talk a lot, I’m dominant, I work out, I do pole fitness, I eat a lot) it was difficult to actually connect with someone. I was talking with somebody about the lesbian bars and the places we could go, since I had no idea how everything rolled in the LGTB+ world. Back n my country I was never connected to the LGTB+ community and in the new country, I wanted to give it a try. This girl and I went to a bar and ended up very drunk. We made out (even though that was not even remotely on my plans, I didn’t even wax because I was travelling the following week for the winter break, We ended up in her place and she was trying to have sex with me, but I was ashamed because I didn’t wax anything and besides because we were supposed to get to know each other, not have sex. I don’t know, maybe it all comes down to me not wanting to realize that the problem is not being with boys or girls, but that I am the problem, I mean when I masturbate, I come 98% (watching girls being penetrated y men or having sex with girls)
Truth is I was scared and I didn’t feel that attracted to the girl. We only slept together and we didn’t have a second date. She was a nice girl, but we didn’t click. I kept trying through Tinder, but I didn’t find anyone. I came back home and since I was planning on going back to Europe as a student, I hadn’t actually had time to date. In June 2017, I accepted my homosexuality and decided to come out to all my friends through an IG picture and then I talked to the hem. Only one of my closest friends didn’t know I was gay, but after posting the Proud To Be picture wearing a shirt that said pride, I talked to her and told her I was not straight. I felt I was 75% lesbian, that I was still attracted to boys in a platonic way, but that I love to be the one penetrating the other girl during sex (in my imagination, of course). I came out in IG and in FB. Since I wrote it in English (English is not my mother tongue) my mom didn’t quite understand or maybe thought that I was being supportive of my best friend who is gay. The thing is that she is now more opened minded and told me before I left that she didn’t want me to cry over a boy… or a girl. That made me feel so good, because my mom was very homophobic, in fact when I was 16 and struggling with my sexuality, she told me bisexuals were the worst because they couldn’t chose one gender to have sex with and that they would have sex with anyone. That marked me and hurt me. But now, she is more open-minded. The truth is that I’m scared. I don’t know. I think I might be a cisgender woman who feels sexually attracted to femme lesbians, who doesn’t like to be penetrated , who fantasizes with penetrating won, but who also feels more emotionally connected to men. For example, If I’m on the subway and I see a hot guy, I will feel sparkles in my stomach and think about him in a romantic way, but I know that if he gets naked I’m not gonna like it. If I see a hot girl, I would think on having sex with her, without the romantic factor.
My head is a mess; at this point I haven’t had sex with a girl and haven’t had an orgasms with boys. I’m a mess and I’m scared of being rejected by the lesbian community for being new to this or for not being sexually defined.

Can somebody give me any piece of advice?
Thank you!

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CKBlossom's picture
[487880]
Aug 14

I think you are scared and want to find a label, hun, you need to just stop worrying so much, you need to focus more on finding a person you like or love and want to be around and if things happen in the bedroom and it is good, then that is a huge plus, who knows what your label is and who cares?! Hugs!

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