I found out my husband was cheating on me a few weeks ago. I

I found out my husband was cheating on me a few weeks ago. I’ve been out from work for almost 3 weeks now. I can’t function. I am really struggling with the depression. I have no motivation to do anything. My husband is remorseful. He was meeting up with married men and masturbating and watching porn. That’s how he was able to justify his behavior because he wasn’t actually having sex. I don’t know if I believe that or not, but his behaviors show he is remorseful. Initially, he was upset because he was caught, but there has been such a shift in empathy that I think I want to believe him. I really do. I love him more than anything. I keep telling him the pain is great because the love is great.

I can’t stop crying though. I want to go back to work, I don’t think it is healthy for me to stay home, but I’m also terrified he will go back to his old habits once the wound has started to heal.

I don’t trust him. He has manipulated me so much that I don’t know what’s true or not. I am so confused. I am so angry. I feel so alone. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because people can be so judgmental of cheaters and I don’t want anyone to think of him differently. Even if. I did talk to someone about it, I don’t think I could share the whole truth because he was spending time with married men. I know and accept his bisexuality but others may not.

I just feel so incredibly alone. We have a marriage counselor, he is seeing an individual counselor, I know I need to see a professional as well, but I can’t afford it. I am a social worker and have worked as a mental health clinician, I know everything I need to do but I can’t f***ing do it.

I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to not feel like sh*t about myself. I feel so terrible. I feel like someone who loves you couldn’t/shouldn’t be capable of this. How can someone love you and hurt you like this. How can I ever trust him again. How will I ever feel good about myself again. How do I learn to feel like I have value again? I am so humiliated. I am so humiliated. I am so humiliated. When is this going to feel less painful. I don’t want this pain. I don’t deserve this pain.
Someone please tell me how to get better, I am so lost.