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Hello, This may be a trigger, but I am looking for advice.

Hello, This may be a trigger, but I am looking for advice.

My wife has BPD. Long story short, she was sexually abused by a family member when she was around 8 or 9. She has never told her parents the truth about what happened. I know her parents know something happened to change her personality all those years ago, but they don't know exactly what happened or who. I have been urging her to talk to them, because they are super supportive of her, and would 100% be there for her. But she refuses to talk to them, or tell them what happened. She is 22 now, so it was a long time ago. I promised her I would never tell them, despite how badly I want them to know... and how much I think it would help her deal with the trauma.

Well, this family member just recently passed away, and it pained me to see her family mourning this person, when they didn't know the truth about what he did. I was texting her mom to see how they were doing with the news of the death, and I told her that they did a great job raising their daughter, and that they were good parents. I then told them that I know it must have been hard for them raising my wife, especially since her personality probably changed around 8 or 9 years old. She told me yes definitely, that she always knew something was wrong but never got any information about it. I told her that it wasn't their fault, and that they did everything they could. She asked me what I meant by 'not their fault'. All I could say was this "it was something that happened to her, not something they did as parents" I knew that would upset my wife... but I wanted them to understand that it wasn't their fault, that they were good people...

Well, yesterday my wife saw those texts... and she is very upset :( I'm asking for advice on how it sounds to you readers... did I screw up and cross the line too far? Or did I do the right thing by telling her parents something they really needed to hear, but not giving them actual detail about what happened or who it was?

Thank you

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kisobel's picture
Jun 13

I don't think you screwed up, but a situation like this is better handled by a professional and texting this sort of information to her parents may have been a bad choice, since your wife saw your "confidential" texts. I would suggest that your wife seek therapy, and that it should be her choice to tell her parents about the abuse when she is ready to deal with it, Just my opinion.

mcrowder's picture
Jun 14

@kisobel thank you for your advice. I realize it is not my place to even hint at that to her parents, and it is her decision.

Jun 14

I think you may have just opened pandora's box.


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