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I am exhausted with always being on guard. Things are actual

heath_minusly's picture
[1085]

I am exhausted with always being on guard. Things are actually really good right now and I want it to stay there. It never does though. I always somehow set her off into a spiral and then it is the "no win game". Here is how the "game" works below and any rule can be brought up at any time and in any context just based on the feelings of the day. The game starting can be something as small as leaving a light on or trying to decide on what to have for dinner and always if there is anything bigger.

- If she has a problem with something I said, did, or did not do, I need to show some sort of understanding and caring.
- If she thinks what I said or did meant something else and she asks about it I need to have more to say than I do not know what she is seeing or she did not see it.
- If she wants reassurance and to ask me the same question in multiple ways even for hours at a time I need to be supportive and not make her feel needy or annoying.
- If I say I understand and care that she has a problem but do not agree with her, apologize or look remorseful then I cannot really understand what she is saying.
- If I look pouty and sad after she tells me I upset her I am just causing more problems by being a martyr and being an emotional bully.
- If I try to hide the fact that I am feeling bad then I am being fake and causing problems and need to just look how I feel.
- If I apologize I do not respect her because she has told me over and over how apologizing does not fix anything and she feels like I do it to shut her up.
- If she starts talking elevated it is because she is passionate and not overly emotional and how dare I try to control how she acts.
- If I talk elevated I am a scary bad husband and need to check myself.
- If I say I want to take a break from the argument I do not care and need to learn to stay in arguments.
- If I get really frustrated and just try to leave an argument then I should have known that was a trigger and her physically trying to stop me is my fault. I should have just said I needed a break and committed to coming back to the argument with a scheduled time.

Let's see how long until I find myself "in the game" again just wishing I would get hit by a bus to feel relief.

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heath_minusly's picture
[1085]
Jul 10

@ajmommy002 - Oh and I wish I had someone to go to. I just don't. It is mostly her family around and I fear it will get back to her.

I really apreciate this site and people like you, @zen-man, @Ducktape, and everyone else that has listened and provided feedback/support.

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[255]
Jul 11

Personally, if I felt so bad in my marriage I wanted to end My life, I would definitely get a plan to leave and try to get custody of the child. No relationship should’ be like that. I’ll be praying for you. I know this relationship is hell on earth. My bpd is my sister. Thank God we don’t have to answer her late night abusive texts. Physical space makes it easy to mentally detach fro the mind games

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heath_minusly's picture
[1085]
Jul 12

@Summer123456 - Thank you. I apreciate the thoughts and prayers.

It sounds like you have proper separation with your BPD sister. Not getting involved with the spiral, like late night texts, sounds so nice. Sometimes when I am on the road for business, which is pretty rare, if she starts to spiral it gets bad. I could be in a work meeting and she is blowing up my phone with things like "We need to talk...tell me what time you can talk!". If I am on business I am surrounded by colleagues and jumping in the phone with anyone in an earshot of the conversation is stressful. Usually she wants to talk about how she is feeling disconnected, disrespected, unimportant, and things like this. If I do not play along she starts the threats...."don't come home"...."we will not be here when you return".

If I did not have the obligation to my wife we would probably get along much better. I really like her and we have a lot of fun together when things are good. I just do not want to be around when she is in the negative cycle. Scrambling for reassurance and validation while at the same time arguing away any supporting comments she receives or flat out directly blaming me.
:-/

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