My sister always had a problem with drugs since she was 14.

My sister always had a problem with drugs since she was 14. I always worked and pulled my own weight since I was 15. I am 6 years older. My parents gave her everything and still do. There was never a point I didn't work and pay my own way.
She never worked until she met her husband and eventually they built a very lucrative business and eventually had a beautiful baby boy. He is now almost 13 and in the custody of my parents. Three years ago, she became addicted to pills. Then her husband. It was more in a day than I made in a week. Eventually, the money ran out. She wrecked the vehicle and sent my nephew to the hospital, they both were in and out of jail. My parents were in denial and screaming at me the entire time before and after when I kept trying to tell them to open their eyes. I am always blamed. My brother-in-law shot and killed himself in front of my sister, they lost everything - everything. She continued to be on drugs and there were times we were not even sure she was alive. Finally, she was caught, went to jail for 4 months and came out for about 3. She was couch hopping. Then I did what I never should have done. I didn't do it for approval, I did it because I thought I was saving her life. I let her live with me. It was rough for a while, she admitted to the drug use before and while in jail and selling it when out (even in front of our father). When she got there, she was a little wired. Then after a while she started to shake and started to accuse me of keeping her locked up. During this time, it was me that pushed and got her state medical assistance. The day before her intake, she climbs out the window and meets "T" for some "normalcy". The day of the intake appointment after she gets home, she is wired again. I purchase a drug screen and she starts screaming that it is rude and disgusting that I would even ask. She hates me and hopes I die, blah blah. The worst part is that my father comes to the house and tells me that I never wanted her here that I was looking for any reason to get rid of her and to ask her to that was unreasonable. I have a home. I have 2 dogs, a bird. She had put a hole in one of bedroom doors, broken the mirror to my dresser, turned over my new recliner, beat holes in my brand new dining room table, and they think I am being unreasonable? They are retired and I work all day long worrying about my animals and belongings and having to lock up valuables in a safe. They have a restraining order against her but yet I am being unreasonable? Please help me reconcile this, because I am having a really hard time with it.

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InvisibleSibling's picture
[100]
Oct 19

This makes me so sad to read because I know EXACTLY what you are feeling and going through. And had I let my sister stay longer than she did, she would have done to me exactly what had been done to you and I would be expected to accept it, too. We had to draw these lines and we have to stick to them. Otherwise, our feelings of what they do to us doubles because we in turn will feel mad at ourselves because we know what it right. Your nephew, just like my sister, is the golden child. When you mention the rage, I know this very well. I have never not worked for 31 years. And worked very hard. Your quote is very important because what hurts us the most is that for all these years, we idealize what our family should be. Our refuge. Tight. And always there for each other in the same ways and care about each other the same. Work together in the fight. What is has come down to is that we are alone. It has already been established that I will not be present for the holidays. I have been reading up on this a lot and am shocked to find we are not alone in this. You mentioned your mom, I understand, too, because my mom had stage IV cancer and it is tearing me up inside. What we as members in a family that have to deal with this "bullying" is that we either cut them off completely or greatly minimize contact with boundaries. Don't feel stress Snooz about being with your mom. The most important thing is that we don't let this define us. Be with your mom in a time a real need. In the end, you will have no regret in your heart. But when the foolishness is going on and they expect you to be someone you aren't and take a role you are not comfortable with, you have none of that and focus on who you are and what makes you comfortable. Pretend your nephew is not there, because he really isn't Snooz. Honestly, he doesn't contribute to this world or give back, live or tbh is even happy. Ignore him, help your mom and go in like he just isn't there. Going through something like this makes us strong, if we allow them to send us in a rage we really don't win do we? There is a battle and then there is the war. It's the endgame I am focusing on. They are beating the hell out of me but in the end, I will win the war because I will make sure I feel no guilt and know that I held on to my principals and never let them win over my ability to control my anger or define me as the person I am. Last night, I got a text from my nephew telling me my parents just wanted me to apologize to them that was all they wanted. FOR WHAT? Allowing my sister to live in my home, do drugs, meet shady people down the street, tear up my home, and ask her to take a drug screen before my nephew visited the house (because there are supervised visitation and I could be held accountable for her actions) and she blows up and I had to leave and stay in a hotel with my dogs???? Apologize because they blamed me for asking her to take a drug screen because I was being unreasonable and never wanted her to stay there and wanted her to fail. Well common sense would tell someone that I would have never sacrificed everything I worked so hard for and my pups for bringing her into my home in the first place if I wanted her to fail or didn't want her there. AND she admitted to both my father and I to our FACES she took drugs and SOLD them...so. I am unreasonable... Yes, its hard Snooz, but we are going to make it. <3

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Snoozeroni's picture
[2245]
Oct 19

You just don't know how bad I needed to hear that this morning. I'm feel like I'm in a tailspin these past few days. (wipes tears, blows nose). I went by to see her yesterday, after telling my nephew if I caught him there I'd break his knees. Even went by the hardware store and bought an axe handle to keep in my truck. Of course I got a cold welcome when I got there. My daughter drove in last night and went 20 miles out of her way to stay at her dad's instead of here, which is right on the way to Mom's. Didn't even tell me she was coming. I blessed her out. I'm feeling isolated from my family. Already offered to work my 2nd job for the holidays. I am glad that we are strong women and are all here, men and women, to support one another. This site has truly been a lifesaver. I laid in bed contemplating suicide last night and had to get up and journaled a bit. I would never do that, but that's where my head was. I have a great life outside of all the BS going on and am just thinking I need to step away from them all. Let them live in their fantasyland. I did go by the DA and the judge's office yesterday because the nephew has court tomorrow on his probation. He had a big party at mom's while she was in the hospital and trashed the house, yet he still is "trying to get his life together." pft. I'm going to reread your post, thank you soooo much! and you are right! We are going to be just fine, and stronger for it. Lawd I'll be able to bench press a Cadillac after this... <3

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InvisibleSibling's picture
[100]
Oct 20

We feel very isolated from our family because of two things. THEY ISOLATE US BECAUSE WE DO NOT DO AS THEY DO, FEEL AS THEY FEEL, BE AS THEY ARE, ACCEPT WHAT THEY ALLOW! We have or had (it will get better) started believe their scathing views of us and how it "must" be true because of how we do not "fit into their family narrative" of thinking or believing. Secondly, we start to feel unworthy and lost because we feel like we have been the bad person in some strange way. We point out and become insistent (sometimes quite angrily) what is WRONG and what is going on is not right so therefore we are disrespected, shunned and ignored. Yes, it feels very lonely. It sounds like I am a little further along than you in the stages of this type of situation, maybe not, because all situations are different. But I was in a point of anger for 2 years where I could have lost my job if I didn't have such wonderful people to work for. It takes a really long time. And you never can recognize the stages sometimes, but looking back, I sure do. You seem like you are in that anger stage. It is normal to think about leaving this world. I know what you mean when you say you thought it and I know what you mean when you say you wouldn't. I did it, too. I would like to suggest something to you though. And in your situation, as in mine, you might be at a point where either being informed is a good thing or not important at all - but is it necessary to put yourself in any situation (regarding the nephew) that doesn't have anything to do with anything other than just your mom's health? For example, is it really necessary to attend court (I did, but it was necessary at the time to be informed, because of the custody of my nephew but now I could care less) regarding your nephews shenanigans? No holidays, no birthdays, nothing to do with that fantasy land - just your mom and the doctor visits or hospital? The more you keep away from "knowing the drama" the better off you will be. Let your daughter to come to her own conclusions and give her a wide birth, I don't know the details, I am sure she is confused, too, and don't let her see mom lose it. Let her see a very strong mom.

Depend on your friends, lean on them. I would rather be alone than surrounded by people who PRETEND to care. Your friends are your friends because of what they see inside of you, not because they have to be. I don't know what I would do without mine. I had decided to cut off contact with boundaries (holidays, birthdays, etc) opposed to cutting off complete contact. As of now, it has turned to cutting it off completely and for the last three weeks, I have rolled in the floor crying to leaning on the dining room table pounding my fists into it (thank goodness its a handmade farm table, lol). So here come the stages again... We are going to be alright, we sought out and found a site that brought people together that are suffering for being good people and we are being nothing short of bullied. We got this. <3

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