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Sorry this is my first post and its really long! My pare

[10]

Sorry this is my first post and its really long!

My parents promised (see: demanded) to pay off my student loans when I started my college adventure. I was really appreciative of that, and I’m really lucky that they’re willing and able to support me like that. I want to help contribute to the funds but, they refuse to allow me (including locking me out of my own student loans account). The problem is that part of my student loans are deposited in my bank account for living expenses, food, etc. So I had a lot left over this year (I graduated in May) because of Covid19 putting us in lockdown.

The other day, my mother was being angry and aggressive, getting worked up over something on a TV commercial (she does this a lot). I told her that she shouldn’t be acting this way towards people (real or fictional). So she responded that I wouldn’t have said that while I was still a minor, because she would have kicked me out (which was weird to say since it would be easier to kick me out now than back then). We argued for a bit, until she finally brought up “oh, actually, I can kick you out now too.” I said that’s fine, I’ll leave then. She told me (paraphrasing!) “its not like you have any money.”

I’ve been working part time, but my parents keep forgetting I earn any money for some reason? They’ve been controlling my finances for years, taking over my bank account because I “don’t know how to take care of [myself].” I locked them out “accidentally” a last year so they can’t keep tabs anymore. I told her I had enough saved up to rent an apartment for a month, plus enough for insurance, deposit, and other costs of living. So she stops. Then asks me “Well, where’s my money?” She’s asking about the student loans. She wants me to pay up. I ask her “well where’s mine?” Because the thing is—my student loan deposits have only been coming to my bank account since 2019. Before that they were checks. That she cashed. And not in my account. She’s been known to handle money poorly/lie about it in the past. And she’s prone to racking up debt. She gets darn mad about that question, and tells me she was depositing extra money into my account all these years so I could afford to live. Eventually she stops after my dad shows up, saying she was “only joking.”

So I get online, and crawl through all of my bank documents and student financial information from the past ~5 years. I make spreadsheets, comparing all of the money she deposited vs my tuition cost vs the amount that should have been refunded. There’s a lot of money missing that I never saw, and she only deposited a total of about $400 of her own money into my account the entire time I was at school. I suspected she wasn’t being responsible with my student loan money, but I didn’t realize how bad it was? They always told me I didn’t know how to handle finances and I was scared I would mess stuff up because I feel like don’t know what I’m doing 90% of the time, so I just let them do what they want. But I know I am usually good at tracking numbers and doing research…so what should I do…? Am I mistaken? I know she paid for a lot of stuff while I was attending school, since I was technically still living with her (but was out 12+ hrs every day so I didn’t have to see here). So it's probably okay?

Finally, yesterday I asked her to give me my loan servicer information (remember she locked me out of my account) so I could put that extra money back toward the principal on my loans, since its definitely illegal for me to use it on other non-school purchases. She flipped out. It wasn’t until my dad yelled at her that she gave me that info. They both still demanded that I don’t under any circumstances, pay more than that allowed refund money towards my loans. I was able to pay that extra on my loans, but beyond that I really don’t know what to do.

Are they being manipulative or am just I overreacting to everything? Was I egging her on? I know its not right but I feel like I should’ve just let her act that way and ignore her like I usually do. I feel like I’m tearing apart whatever’s left of our relationship when I challenge her.

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[8195]
Jul 1

Hi and welcome. Glad you are here to find support and encouragement! Sorry to hear that the relationship with your mom is challenging. Mother-daughter relationships have lots of inherent challenges beginning with the emotional health and maturity of the mom and it sounds like your mom has some personal issues which are impacting each of your lives. There are definitely lots of layers to figuring out how to handle relationships but it is good that you are at least willing to try. The truth about money issues is that it is usually not about the money but about control or self-gratification or many other things. It sounds like you are potentially able to be independent and that might be in your best interest to be able to separate your own emotional health and growth from your mom's issues. It might also be in your best interest to see about doing some individual counseling. Is that something you would be open to? It also sounds like your dad might be your ally to help you in getting set up independently? Do you feel like your relationship with him is better?

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[8195]
Jul 9

just thought I would check back to see how you are doing?

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[3700]
9 hours ago

I know it's been awhile since you posted this, but how are things going? Has anything changed? I'm not sure what to think of all of this, either they want to have control over you or they have not managed your money in a responsible way (and they are afraid for you to find out). Either way, I think that it may be time for you to take control of your finances, somehow, someway. Just by reading your post I can tell that you are a very smart young lady, what was your degree in? Even though it may be difficult, would it be possible for you to find a place and maybe get out on your own? Praying for you!

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