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New to this... and needing to vent a little. Had a baby Octo

AshleyRhenae23's picture

New to this... and needing to vent a little. Had a baby October 2016 and the dad was not involved.. had a child support case brought against him and he claimed that he thought I was sleeping with someone else (as I only left the house to go to a part time job) bc I bailed when he started saying our kid would grow up with him deciding everything.. We got back in contact, got along, my daughter and I moved in, and now anything from my past is brought against me. I'm a recovering addict since 2013, and I'm called many names that no woman should be called. He claims to be "getting his emotions out". I've started an intake process at a therapist, but I'm still on the verge of bailing again. Past of drug addiction, abusive dad, etc, but I worked hard to get better before my daughter was even thought of. Now she is 1 years old and I'm pregnant with our second, and tonight he said I need to just give up the first for adoption and abort the one growing now. I KNOW this is emotional abuse but why can't I just leave? I assume it has to do with my dad not being around for half my life... but I lived the abuse of my parents and should know the right answer. He has been so much worse than what I'm mentioning, even grabbing my throat, then saying I caused him to do it. He had grabbed my arm and when that happens, my impulse is to react (thanks to my dad towards my mom) and I shoved him off me. I can no longer even get a message on my phone from my grandma or my mom without him asking what it says, but there is always an excuse, from him, that goes back to my past that I worked my butt off to come back from. A little more insight: he proposed to me by saying "here, if you want it, we can do this, or not, but we aren't engaged" as i'm doing laundry; he has told me I have no skills to raise our kid (yet had me quit my job)... and I know that is all clear signs but, He threatens me with taking our daughter away (EVERY TIME) and I think of my insecurities over my past and doubt myself) even though I KNOW I'm a great mom. Being pregnant now doesn't help because I'm emotional and this has all made me feel so insignificant. please, any advice will help. I'm told by him that I only get advice from the people that know me and of course they will agree with me.

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Nov 14, 2017

@AshleyRhenae23 Welcome to SG!... Well, I don't know you, so I can be totally objective. It's true that I haven't heard your husband/partner's side of the story -- but I have a strong feeling that he'd be blaming you for everything. Am I right?... You see, I do know your story -- maybe not the specific details, but the important parts; the parts about control and emotional abuse. I had lived a similar story for 30 years -- as I was married to a controlling, emotionally abusive, covert narcissist. Labels aren't important -- what's important is the way the person who professes to love you, treats you. No one deserves abuse and disrespect -- and the reason someone stays with such a person, is because deep down they have unhealed wounds from childhood. These unhealed parts of oneself make the person believe she's not good or worthy enough to be loved and accepted, for whom she is as a person. I know because I was there for a good part of my life. If you've suffered abuse in childhood, you accept abusive treatment because you believe you deserve it. The past abuse has damaged your personal truth -- which is what you truly believe about yourself, deep down, at your core. The abuser connects to the unhealed wounds, which he sees as weaknesses and vulnerabilities. He uses these "weaknesses" against you to wear down your self-esteem and feelings of worth even more. He does this to provoke your emotional reactions. A highly narcissistic, emotional abuser needs the emotions of others as supply -- to keep up his false image and affirm his existence. I'm truly sorry you're going through this -- and especially that you need to protect your daughter and your unborn child. The only way to heal from the effects of this abuse, is to take your children and leave him. I understand how difficult this situation is for you -- but getting away from him, and staying no contact, which is a problem since you have children together, is the only way to heal and have peace in you and your children's lives. Meanwhile try to document every incident of abuse. The things he said about adoption and abortion reveal that the children mean nothing to him. He'll just use them as pawns in a power struggle with you -- he's all about control, as my ex was, and he'll use anything he can, including lies and deceit, against you. Try to gather evidence to show that he's an abusive and unfit parent. If you stay with him, you'll continue the cycle of abuse from your parents. It's time to end that. Congrats to you for recovering from addiction -- that's an extremely difficult thing to accomplish. Please don't let him drag you back down -- you don't deserve that; you deserve to be happy.
I'd like to share my background story, that was posted in the narcissism group a few months ago, in the hope that it might help you to see that you need to hang onto hope. It is possible to get through the darkest tunnel, and emerge out into the light. The hope was that it would provide hope and inspiration for at least one person (maybe more!):

I had no idea what a narcissist really was, back when I met my ex-husband at age 18. Being young, naive, and sheltered, I had suffered with OCD since childhood, and growing up in a dysfunctional and sometimes toxic family, with a mother who had many narcissistic traits, my self-esteem was almost non-existent. I saw myself as a flawed person, due to my family's constant criticism, verbal abuse, and lack of support -- emotional or otherwise. I was the perfect victim to fall into a narcissist's trap of deceit. The thing is, he had everyone, including myself, fooled for 30 long years!... He was the opposite of what I thought a narcissist would be -- outgoing, conceited, boasting (like Trump!). No, he was quite the opposite -- quiet, shy, and unassuming, but very subtle and covert, and as it turned out, extremely manipulative. People saw him as a great guy, and I was the flawed or damaged one -- I really believed that for all those years. But in reality the so-called "great guy" was so verbally and emotionally abusive that any ounce of self-worth was totally worn away, as there wasn't much to begin with. He was also passive-aggressive in that he'd hold his anger, resentment, and all emotions in for months -- and then later in a fight or argument, all his anger would explode out at me all at once, blaming me for everything possible. Then the silent treatment, sometimes for a week or two, would follow. Mostly I believed it was my fault, due to my flaws, but at times I noticed he would twist things around, and distort them in his mind, accusing me of things I knew weren't true, or even things he was guilty of. It was mind-boggling indeed, and it was not only confusing, but made me doubt my self -- my own thoughts and reality. There was no one to confide in -- after all, I was the "crazy" one and he was the "great guy!" To make a very long story shorter, it was only when I began to recover from severe depression that red flags started going up. My "lightbulb moment" came when I had to face the harsh reality that he did not want me to recover. He needed me to remain sick, needy, and dependent, and my recovery was threatening to him -- as he was losing his total CONTROL over me and our life. Believe me, he got angry, actually enraged -- that is where the smear campaign came in. Right before abandoning me and leaving me completely alone and with nothing, except a pile of bills and no money (he'd closed our joint checking account) -- he had also bad-mouthed me to the few neighbors we had, since we were new to a rural area (and I don't drive). This was to ensure that I'd have no one to turn to for help or support. It was a crushing and devastating experience, from which I didn't think I'd survive -- but as it turned out, it was also transforming. I realize now that giving and empathetic people, with issues of self-esteem, and who do not feel good or worthy enough, can become the likely victims of narcissistic abuse. Codependent people are anxious to have their worth validated by pleasing others to receive the love, approval, and acceptance that was lacking in childhood, due to emotional abuse or neglect. It is the unhealed wounds from childhood that is the narcissist's connection to the victim. They can spot potential victims a mile away, like radar -- and hone in like moths to a flame. The narcissist has a magnetic, subconscious attraction to the victim. If you've grown up with a narcissistic parent, it's the attraction to familiar qualities -- and the hope that the unmet need for approval, love, and acceptance might be fulfilled in the adult relationship -- which of course can't happen, as the narc is incapable of having an emotional connection. During my healing and recovery, I've learned how to deal with the fine line between unhealthy codependency and healthy kindness and compassion, although with boundaries in place -- and also maintain a healthy level of self-esteem. It's taken me a lifetime to achieve this, but as I say, better late than never!... What has also helped a great deal in my healing, is the fact that my ex-narc husband lives in a different state, 1500 miles away, and we have absolutely NO CONTACT -- which, if possible, is the best way to heal from narcissistic abuse. I've finally found peace, freedom, and contentment, which I never thought possible -- and I wish you the same!.....

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