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I kept this inside me for years and I want to share my story

SpookyNoodles's picture
[255]

I kept this inside me for years and I want to share my story and thoughts and maybe some people who will finally understand.

I hate sex.

Yes, I said it. I don't like the idea of sex despite my interest in sexy stuff but it doesn't go beyond that.

I'm not sure how to start this but growing up with my severely mentally ill mother she was strict about the subject of sex. She didn't even let us watch movie scenes of two people kissing because "it's a bad part". I remember when I was very young she would accuse me of trying to sleep with older men when all I was doing was talking and playing with them because I didn't have friends my age.

I wish I could erase the memories of her yelling at my face and saying "YOU WILL NOT BE A LOOSE WOMAN" for people who aren't familiar with that word it's slang for promiscuous. I think that one point she even slapped me because of her twisted thinking.

I don't remember this but my sister told me about a time our mom was looking through my sister's underwear to find "spots" to see if she was having sex or something of that nature and threatened to punish her if she was lying.

Since I was 13. I hated the topic of sex coming up. People would act like animals laughing and giggling and acting like it's the greatest thing on the planet to me they are nothing but immoral and perverted.
They make me feel dirty.

She made me feel dirty....

This is me taking my myself back from her. If I start having sex then I will be only proving her right and please spare me the "sex is beautiful/natural" talk it'll be a long way down the road before I start having sex.

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Snowqueen42's picture
[135]
Jun 27

I'm sorry your mother treated you that way hon, you didn't deserve that. In terms of hating sex, its completely normal for a number of different reasons. I'll give you two that seem most likely in this case. You could be asexual or it could be your mother yelling at you to think it was wrong and/or gross to have sex, it could be both reasons simultaneously.
Regardless of the reason why you hate it, be patient and gentle with yourself. Its your body and if at some point you want to have sex, go for it and if you don't want to, you don't have to. Its not your problem if your mother has issues with your any of your choices. Let her be angry and bitter, its your life.
I'm asexual, so from my point of view I don't believe sex is wrong, its just not something I want to do.
I hope everything works out for you. Stay safe, namaste <3

There are different types of asexuality. I recommend watching this because she explains it the best: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyXv6ZxcE2A

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Reply
[195]
Jun 28

The way we view the world has a lot to do with how our parents raise us. And then we make our own decisions after that. I'm sorry your mother was so unfairly harsh on you and your sister. Name calling should never be done by a parent to a child. A parent should never assume/accuse that much or use shame as a punishment. What your mother did was definitely a disservice to you, but how you live your life now is up to you.

If living a sexless life is what feels right for you then that is ok. Lots of people live similar lives. If you ever decide you may want to change your mind then that is ok, though I would recommend therapy to help deal with the shame your mother instilled in you.

If you ever want to only do certain things with a partner but not other things that go out of your comfort zone then that is ok.

You know you. I know people must judge you sometimes because they have a hard time imaging a different life. But they don't know your life and what you have experienced.

I hope that you are able to live a healthy life on your own terms. I think this post shows you know exactly what you want and that is very commendable because there are so many people who don't know.

Good luck with everything!!

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SpookyNoodles's picture
[255]
Jun 29

@Snowqueen42 Thank you but I am not asexual. I consider myself anti-sexual at times.

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