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I am scared. I feel lonely. After growing up with an emotion

I am scared. I feel lonely. After growing up with an emotionally abusive mother, with mental health issues of her own, that she'd never address, because "she is never wrong", I am finding that I do not know how to handle my emotions in a way that is not self-destructive, and I do not known what is appropriate for sharing emotions. I fear making others uncomfortable, or drawing close to mother-figures in an attempt to meet an unmet need, selfishly. Is that okay to say here? I don't know where to start.

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Sep 14

Do you still yearn for the physical presence of a mother? I fight a constant void from lack of physical contact. A hug or something. I don't recall being nurtured. Unfortunately, I don't know how to self-soothe, so I try to avoid emotions and push them down. If I get overwhelmed with emotions I hurt myself. I can't find another way to release the intense pressure. I feel like being house hugged by someone who makes me feel safe would help me calm down, but I can't seem to talk when I need to. I don't feel like I have that relationship with someone either.

rdpca1's picture
Sep 14

@ThisIsIt28 I don't think I would have done this without Psychiatrist telling me I should never see or talk to my mother again. It was just getting to be too much pain flashback trigger I think something about abandonment abuse from parent or mother causes this void this aloneness. I should explain from above comment. I forgave her wrote her a letter when I was 20 or so. Sort of normal relationship if possible to imagine then she did the unforgivable. I can't talk about it. Triggered everything all past memories I had repressed overwhelming

Mosaic's picture
Sep 22

@Thisisit28, hang in there.

Each person has a different answer to, "Where did you find a replacement for the motherlove that you didn't get?" I never found it on an ongoing basis, except in my own treatment of myself.

I've had times of fulfillment in that area, and times of terrible loneliness again. Married twice, some maternal love entered through husbands' families, and I retain one great friendship with my first's older sister who lives one state away... Wonderful, maternal friendships have appeared and disappeared as people move, including me. It's ebbed and flowed. Dear girlfriends live across the country now.

The easiest thing to do is read an insightful book by a woman who suffered as we do; it does feel like a friend, and a maternally loving entity when it connects so much to your wound. I'm reading Gloria Steinem's My Life on the Road right now; her mother was mentally ill, and she talks a little bit about that, and many other surprising things about her life. She's a mother figure to a lot of women, and would probably be for more if they actually read her books or heard her speak.

I found great relief is reading Victoria Secunda's "When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends." She describes the handful of different relationship patterns that occur with nmoms and daughters: the good daughter is one of them. I fall under a few others myself. Excellent book that offers no cure, but a great resource for understanding ourselves with love.

I did all kinds of things to be around people, especially other women. I needed to be around positive feminine energy, I knew that. I joined women's healing groups over years and years of time, and covering a few different topics of dysfunction. Also mixed groups, but it was the feminine energy I gravitated to mostly.

I went to metaphysical bookstores and browsed for hours, looked at their bulletin boards for groups to join. I found meditation groups here and there: that attracted like-minded people, loving people to be around. I went to 12 step meetings for years, too, for al anon, adult children of alcoholics, A.R.T.S. anonymous, and those were always beneficial, loving environments. Lots of hugs available if wanted. I have to be my own best friend, really and drag myself out (now too) into the world and refuse to BE the reject Mother Dearest has tried forever to paint me as.

And feel free to share your feelings and whatever is going on that troubles you. There are many people reading who feel the same things you're feeling and going through who can't speak. It's been so quiet in here, I know there are so many women in particular who are freaking out under our current political environment that is so hostile to women. One almost hates to call out even narcissistic mothers, since they are women, too. But it's OKAY, it's the only way you can heal, to recognize where you are right now, confront it honestly within ourselves at least.

Our moms were our abusers. It's good to talk about it, without worrying about forgiving them. That's impossible if you have to live IN CONTACT with the narcissist, in my opinion. It might be a healthy thing to do in the future when you are safely distant or created a working buffer from her damaging ways, and have been able to move through a lot of healing from what she has already done to you, as other posters have indicated. It's so hard when we do forgive and then she hurts us all over again. Going NO CONTACT is a prerequisite of "forgiving" that not all of us can do in the present moment. And sometimes, the scissors method of forgiveness is all that we will be able to do in the future: cut them out of our life, and forgive the idea of her. The real person is a shark and you are food: keep that in mind before you think about seeing her. It's okay somehow: the world must need women who were raised by sharks.

Love, Mosaic

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