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Hi everyone new here and my first post . Simply don’t know

Hi everyone new here and my first post . Simply don’t know what to do or where to go so please bare with my post . I’ll try and keep it as short as I can .

I have been with my wife for 8 years currently and married since January of this year . She grew up with what she believes is a covert narc mom and sociopathic father ( who went to prison for 7 years of her childhood ) . Her mother was having an affair during the time and she was the scapegoat while she says her sister was the golden child . Needless to say a super toxic family lots of abuse , neglected as a child etc etc . She was baker acted a few times put on Wellbutrin had a failed suicide attempt as a teen . Lots of highly unhealthy things going on .

Fast forward she’s 22 I’m 21 we meet online we move in together 2 months later . First mistake yes I know .

During our courting there was so many red flags , insane outburst of anger , crying , slamming doors , silent treatment ( TONS OF THIS ) , devauling and discarding me and love bombing me. So over time I became reactive after about 4-5 years and didn’t help situations but I wanted to make this work ( due to me wanting to be her savior white knight with some co-dependency issues ) but it never truly stopped .

She’s been in therapy for 4-5 years , tried 4 different therapist we’ve spent thousands and thousands of dollars ( couples , pre-martial , individual etc ) . I’ve finally discovered I’ve been being emotional abused by her the same exact ways her parents did to her .

I guess I’m on here to share my experiences because part of me
just says maybe I’m going crazy or maybe it’s me . She’s had a rough childhood to hang in there . She’s claimed sucidal thoughts multiple times as well . She thinks almost everyone’s out to get her or is a bad person and can drop friends at the drop of a dime . We may have sex 1 time month 2 tops she simply has zero want for it .

I’ve been her caretaker I do all the chores , I make her food , I lay out notes with her morning coffee I always attend to her I always initiate sex or try to atleast ( not much lately due to feeling shut down so much ) I try to be romantic as much as possible. She can’t connect , she would rather watch tv or be on her phone and justice leave me with crumbs . But she loves to try and trauma bond with me with any family issues I may have . Below I’m posting an example of two events with her just for an idea .

2012 I had to go to the ER for my SI joint dysfunction at 2 am after an 8 hour drive so it spasmed up and I couldn’t move couldn’t sleep and was in the worst pain I’ve ever been in . We get to hospital they exam they take X rays all the normal checks and give me an anti inflammatory shot while waiting for an hour she says “ I have to go to work this morning this is ridiculous and zips up her hoodie over her head and tries to sleep turning her back to me “ as I sat there not able to currently move hardly . I felt beyond lonely while in all this pain

2015 I got a throat infection , strep throat to be exact after 5 days it continued to get worse we went to the ER around 7 pm on a weekend. I couldn’t really talk much so I was very quiet and in a lot of pain . She got irritated after we waited for awhile in the waiting room and possibly due to me being quiet she said she’s going to wait in the car and got up and left me . No comfort nothing left alone again

What am I dealing with guys ? I’m so hurt , devastated, lost , angry everything . Please help

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View 10 More Comments
Nov 8

@Manofhonor30, the suddenly doing chores and turning her attitude around may or may not be a spiritual awakening. But my godly discernment is telling me she is probably love-bombing/hoovering you to win you back and possibly tricking your counselor like my narc husband does. But really only time will tell, and watching her actions. Have you thought about journaling the crazy stuff she does going forward so you won't delude yourself going forward being tricked by what she says. What she does will make all the difference going forward. Sadly, I'm not confident she'll continue her good behavior.

kdpunshon's picture
Nov 8

I am a 62 year old female. I had a very traumatic childhood. I don't think the specifics matter so much. To a child, trauma of any kind is immensely damaging and prevent normal development on many levels. I nearly died by my own actions many times. I do not believe I can be completed healed. I had alot of therapy during my 20's. It helped. It is only now that I can more clearly see my actions and looking back can see the crazy making i often (or usually) initiated in my relationships and all the time blaming others. There were many times of clarity for me but the triggers of daily life kept me unhinged. I was never diagnosed with BPD but i expect that most people who grew up with immense trauma as a child will have some form of PTSD or BPD. It is incredibly sad how our lives are taken from us during these important years and how much suffering we endure and make those we love endure because of it. I am sure your wife means what she says in her loving letter to you but I am also sure that things will not dramatically change for you. If you stay with her you will have to learn to roll with her moods. Since she is still so young she will also have hormonal moods that make things even more difficult for her. To compound your challenge is that you have now a history of negative experiences together rather than loving and supportive ones. Your relationship will not be an easy one. To make it through you will have to find a way to not let her actions touch you on such a deep level. Only you know the answer to that. Ask yourself whether you can continue to withstand this level of drama for decades more. If you cannot then i think you know what steps you have to take before children enter the mix and complicate matters dramatically for you. With love and best wishes.

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LivingOnAPrayer's picture
Nov 8

@Manofhonor30 I'm angry at myself for marrying my husband even though I already knew things were not good as well. I'm sorry that you're suffering so much anxiety from the emotional abuse you've endured. I truly hope that posting here helps you, and that you are able to stay strong and figure out what you need to do with your marriage.


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