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I feel like the worlds biggest fool.

[3170]

I feel like the worlds biggest fool.

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[3170]
Mar 13

I’d like to update anyone who is reading these comments.

Turns out, my boyfriend came home from work. He approached me with a kiss and cuddle to later tell me that during his smoko break he thought about last nights drama which he apologised to me and told me he felt bad as I was really angry as I cried last night (not angry I was sad but okay) and he told himself at work to come home and give me a kiss and cuddle.

I think his actually realised what he done and said and that it does effect me also.

Now to let you know, I will not ever cry in front of my boyfriend or anyone. I always try to keep it to myself as I feel weak letting others know how emotional I feel. I want to give off an impression of “im a strong woman”

Last night I went into my own privacy to cry, but I needed to cry more.
So I was going to sleep in lounge room to just sob my eyes and heart out while my boyfriend slept in the bedroom but of course things did not up end that way as we ended up sleeping in same bed last night and got to talk more ... in bed ... which is where he spoke a little deeper to me and nicer/kind which of course we ended up having sex in result of making up.

But yeah ...

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NowImNarcFree's picture
[24975]
Mar 13

@Sparkle21 you've been through quite a rollercoaster! I think the only way to really show you're sorry is to STOP DOING IT. Change in a relationship doesn't come with just a sudden change of heart and an apology, it takes the work of changing bad habits so that you act and interact differently. Few people would stay in a toxic relationship if it weren't for the apologies, then you still may be subjected to the abuse time and time again, just waiting for it to get better.

We actually get sort of "addicted" to this cycle of ups and downs in a relationship, called a trauma bond, but it is very harmful. That may be why you know there is something wrong but feel like you can't do anything about it.

This may not be the same for you, but I also for years have had times when I could not stop crying and often didn't know why. It would happen whenever I tried to explain a deep emotion. My counselor explained that I was crying because I felt "trapped" and then it made perfect sense. My husband would move on from a terrible fight and immediately feel better and want to have sex, but I'd find that I felt hurt for days afterwards. I think the apologies contributed to that "trapped" feeling because things were supposed to be resolved, but they still weren't.

Anyway, please trust yourself. You are not ugly inside and deserve a healthy relationship.

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[3170]
Mar 15

@NowImNarcFree I feel that I can relate 100% with you. You literally know that within at least 2 weeks time or 1 month later that there will be another arguement and it’s not on your behalf, it’s your partner! they are so good at blaming others for the wrongs as they never blame themselves.
Anytime we argue, it can go two ways, resolved with sex (connecting again) or days drag on with unhappiness until suddenly he may change the attitude which then, things are better.
Every time after an argue you do think it’s solved, we will move on...but I’m wrong.
I am the same with my emotions, some days I’m just sad and I don’t know why. It makes me feel like I have depression or something.
While if an argue comes between my boyfriend and I, the confrontation makes me want to cry but I always keep myself together, perhaps cry later in my own time.
I don’t know, I don’t blame him for everything though as I do have trust issues but yeah ... I think you get it

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