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As per my previous posts, my husband is still locked up. I

As per my previous posts, my husband is still locked up. It's been 2 weeks. I've had a whole holiday without him and it's killing me. He's been in good spirits until today. Here called and asked me to see who was assigned to his case. But I also tried to call the PO that violated him just to find out what he was to say about the violation and to see which way he was gonna go wth the case. Well my husband got furious and cursed me out and hung up on me. He told me when he first got in there that he needed me and if he felt like he had to do this on his own because I couldn't help him or won't help the way he needed me to, that he won't call and he will cut me off. I can't help but feel that's exactly what he did tonight. I was only trying to help. Everything I do is wrong if it's not something he would do. I can't win. Im constantly feeling like garbage especially about myself. I only try to do what I think is right. That where my brain and heart is at. But it doesn't matter. It still end up like this every time. I don't have him right now. I have no one. I feel so alone and so worthless. I can't help but question why am I here if this keeps happening to make me feel useless on this earth.

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Cynnerjane's picture
[355]
Dec 7

I hurt for you. I wonder what boundaries you are setting for youself. It IS hard to stay healthy or even be healthy in a volitile environment. I mean, if hot dogs made us throw up, we'd probably stop eating them, yet we stay in relationships that DO have some merit because maybe our partner is gifted, earns great money, does some things really really well, etc. but we are still made to feel like nothing we contribute is important, necessary, good enough, etc. Really though, taking a step back and breathing and having some us time without them can change our perspective. Self care is super important to recognizing thier volitility and not taking ownership for it. Hard to do when that person is suppossed to be with us for better or for worse and things always seeming worse. It's kind of like the worst form of longsuffering. Maybe that's why I don't want to force myself to lose 40 pounds. It just feels better for me to not HAVE to do what I don't want because so much else is forced on me that is rediculous. I'm sorry that you are at the end of a yo yo, feeling like a cork in a toilet bowl, doing the same swirls around again and again. the feeling of not being appreciated no matter what...the fear that it will never be better...the dissappointment that the one person who should have loved and protected you is the one person who is damaging you the most. I feel your pain...usually right when I think maybe things will be ok. Then everything goes sideways and the crazy joins us again. I'm here. You're not alone. You are seriously strong, like a beautiful gingerbread house with crazy glue. If you ever run for office, I'd vote for you just because you'd do everything you could to keep what you believe in. You rock.

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[286015]
Dec 7

@Kaysee, Hi, been prayin for ya. : (
I'm putting a link to some really good videos I was just watching myself that may help you, below.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=leslie+vernick

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[965]
Dec 7

@Kaysee Please be careful. It sounds like he is very volatile and has a temper. It sounds like it may be hard to find truth in his emails and apologies. I worry about your safety. Please start thinking about an action plan for your safety for when he is released. Things like having a packed bag in case you need to stay at a friends place for a while, spare phone chargers, setting aside cash, looking into security / alarms for your home, changing locks etc. Unfortunately I learned after the fact from my counselor that a lot of people with npd are prone to committing domestic violence.

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