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I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. It wa

I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. It wasn’t aggressive at all but extremely manipulative to the point where I grew super insecure and dependent. So when he’d leave, primarily if he’d been really cold to me before, I’d get panic attacks when he’d leave. I’d ask him to wait it out if he didn’t have something pressing to get to, but he’d yell at me to stop and tell me I was being abusive. I felt super horrible for being so dependent and so I did tons of research on how to fix this because I didn’t want to hold him back but felt like I couldn’t get out of the situation which was provoking my panic attacks otherwise. So I tried to make plans, step by step things. Just ask him to leave me somewhere where I could lie down or not in public because I sometimes feel paralyzed and can’t get myself out. Or just to come back after whatever he needs to do or to shoot me a text to check in. But he would just keep getting angry and I kept trying to stop. And now we broke up and I still just want to overcome this. I want to do a procedure and use the tools but now I don’t feel like I even have the chance to battle this.

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NowImNarcFree's picture
[27660]
Jun 7

You can battle this. You're facing what's going on and are asking for support, and that's a big step. Have you read about codependency? I had similar issues in an abusive relationship (mostly emotional/verbal abuse) and I remember how I felt when my abuser was cold to me and withdrew affection-- I would basically beg for it back and for him to "love" me again. I left him January 2018 when I realized what was really going on, sought help from family and a therapist, and started reading about abuse and codependency. But I think less than a month before that, he was talking about moving to another city without me and living separately (but still keeping the "relationship" going) and I cried so much about him wanting to do this that I coughed up blood! It felt so painful to extract myself from someone I thought I needed.

But chances are, when you get some distance from this guy and start to work on yourself...you can find a strength you never knew you had. You might also find out that he was hurting, manipulating, and abusing you in ways you didn't realize either. Because his behavior, yelling at you when you have a panic attack (that was probably brought on by his manipulation and cruel behavior in the first place!) sounds pretty aggressive to me.

Here are some books I read that I'd recommend to you:
- Codependent no More and Beyond Codependency by Melanie Beatty
- Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas
- Women who Love Too Much by Robyn Norwood
- Loving Him without Losing You by Beverly Engel

These helped me, as well as taking a year off from relationships to work on myself. I did struggle with panic attacks too when I was in my relationship (we were married for 10 years) and it took years for me to find out what they were. Eventually I got a prescription that helped and I now take a low daily dose of anti-anxiety medicine, but I haven't had an actual panic attack in quite a while. Good luck and keep working on yourself. :)

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[210]
Jun 12

I am dealing with the same. I’d cry whenever he left and couldn’t be by myself. I think something to remember is that you aren’t going to be in those situations anymore. And even though there is a lot of hurt, you will only get stronger each day

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[485]
Jun 12

I know. I definitely feel a lot better. But now as I’m finally pulling away, he just texts me more and more. But if I were to be nice and caring towards him, then he will just be cold again. So I feel like I’m stuck being this cold person to him even though I really don’t like it. Like I try to leave the door open for forgiveness and understanding, not trying to enable, but just empathize. But even the smallest things and he’s cold again

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