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Ok I'm giving this a shot because I'm lost in life and need

Ok I'm giving this a shot because I'm lost in life and need to know how others have been able to deal. I have been in a relationship for 26 years, since I was 16. We have 4 kids together and I've spent years trying to make the perfect little family work. I let myself believe I was doing the right thing even though I knew deep down it wasn't. I live with a narcissistic alcoholic. I have tried several times to leave but somehow always end up sucked back in, usually guilt. Three of my kids are now adults and each of them in their own way dealing with the trauma of their childhoods. My youngest is only 10 and I want more than anything to save him from the same life but don't understand why I can't seem to leave. I feel it in my heart, in my gut that I don't love him and don't want to be there anymore but the years of control have made me so fearful. Also all of the stunts that he's pulled when I've left other times makes me fearful and also knowledgeable about what WILL happen if I leave again. He has control of our finances so it's almost impossible to save up even $5. He watches me like a hawk and if I do anything out of the ordinary he's suspicious. He shows up randomly during the day to my work by "bringing me lunch" or some other excuse but it's to check up on me. When I left before he took our joint car right from my work parking lot, he threatened to call my boss or even her boss and tell them things I've told him in confidence about the company and how things are run etc. He's threatened friends not to talk to me or help me and they listen! He uses anything he knows will hurt me or make me feel guilty against me and it usually works. I'm a caretaker type of person and I can't bare to see anyone upset or hurt, even him and I don't know why. He has gone to counselling, he has promised to stop drinking but that is only ever for a short time. Right now he drinks almost everyday and is drunk maybe twice a week. I can use the drinking as my out because we made that deal the last time we got back together and he promised to stop. I know that he won't actually ever let me leave, he will stalk me and harass me. He has no fear of police or restraining orders, I've been down that road and he still follows me etc. He has a close bond with our 10 year old and refuses to not be able to see him everyday and says I can't take him away. Now it's Christmas time and I don't want to stir things up for the holidays. My daughter gets married in June and I don't want to ruin her day by leaving and causing chaos for her. So in my mind I think, I'll wait until after the wedding then I'll go which I know won't actually happen. I know that there is no good time to leave and you just have to do it but I can't help but think about EVERYONE else and their feeling first. How do I find the strength? I hear Lizzo's song 'good as hell' and the lyrics mean so much to me but the verse, "Boss up and change your life" is exactly what I want to do but I think I've lived this life for so long now that I've lost myself, he truly controls my life and my mind. Any advise would be helpful and greatly appreciated.

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[150]
Dec 2

@cajuncamaro the last time I left I did it a few days before his birthday. He played that up and how devastated he was. My kids were upset with me for doing that to him on his birthday. I didn't feel bad about leaving but hearing how could you on his birthday was the dagger through my heart. The guilt that made me second guess everything and think omg am I a horrible person? There will always be an event or a holiday just around the corner though. My daughter is already stressed about her father being at her wedding and getting stupid drunk like he does on a regular basis and so the thought of us being in the middle of a break up and having to go to the wedding would be horrific. I'm the one who usually takes care of him and makes sure he doesn't act a fool or ruin a day.

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SoloViolin's picture
[2640]
Dec 2

@NeedingOut I'm sorry but she would be a whole lot more upset if she had a dead mother to burry for her wedding. Either way you have only yourself and your underaged son to look out for. Everyone else need to start taking responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and behavior and you need to let them. no more being in bondage by guilt dear one. People will continue to control and manipulate you with it if you make the choice to take it and run with it. Drop it like a hot potato! What is most important now is YOU, YOUR LIFE, and YOUR SONS LIFE... You are a beautiful and special human being in the Lords eyes worthy of love and respect by your just being you!
here is a link to the website When Georgia Smiled org. They have stuff on a safe exit strategy... I hope it helps https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/

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[150]
Dec 2

@SoloViolin You are right and I fully agree with you. I am concerned with him becoming more violent and dangerous and the risk of my daughter having to bury her mother if I do leave. He is so unpredictable and I tend to allow myself to stay to keep the peace. I know how to keep him happy so to say when I don't rock the boat. I don't know how to maneuver anything that happens when I leave. I in a way feel like I hold some control by staying with him because I can keep him in a calm state for the most part. Is that crazy? I spend my days wishing that something would happen to him so that he would just be gone out of my life. He drinks and drives and I'll sit and think oh please let him run himself off the road or even just get pulled over, but that might not keep him away long enough. I'm a decent person and would never wish harm against anyone but if he died I'd be free. Is this normal to think? Just wishing there was an easy way out!

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