Hello Amazing Members this week's "Life Hack" is out, click BLOG (above on the green menu bar) to check it out!!!! *****"Imperfection is my kind of perfect!"*****Learning to be okay with a life that is perfectly IMPERFECT!!!! HINT: when you click https://www.supportgroups.com/blog/imperfection-is-my-kind-of-perfect, make sure to click READ MORE to see the full article. -SG

Hi SG, today is my birthday--I'm turning 32! Occasions like

NowImNarcFree's picture
[23350]

Hi SG, today is my birthday--I'm turning 32! Occasions like this are a little weird the first time without my narc husband and his family, which always made a big deal out of birthdays. But I am going out to celebrate with another abuse survivor today. Looking forward to making my own traditions now.

On another note, I feel like we all have a lot of "birthday stories" with our narcs. Something about it seems to set them off. I remember one of his birthdays, he had an ingrown toenail and he was taking out so much anger at me verbally, and it was the one time I remember him hitting me in anger. It wasn't hard enough to hurt physically, but it was just so hateful. He made me run out to the store around midnight to get something for his toe, and I had been crying so much from the fight we had that there was just no hiding it from the cashier, I just tried to not make eye contact. It seemed like there was so much to hide about my home life at that time. I'm sure I had been trying to "pamper" him all day long, but there was sometimes no pleasing him.

The other birthday I remember from about 4 years ago turned into an extremely dark time... we didn't celebrate on my actual birthday-- I worked a 12 hour day and was in pain from a medical condition the entire time. So the next day I wanted to celebrate, I met my narc for lunch at his workplace and wanted to do something fun after work. He just came home and ignored me and seemed very grouchy. It turned into a fight and I could no longer stand to be in the room with him because of whatever he said. I rushed downstairs but I fell and severely sprained my ankle. It took months to be able to walk again and in the meantime it was just the lowest point. I think I would have left him or sought help for his emotional abuse at that point, but I just couldn't handle it between working, doctor's appointments, PT three times a week, and being in a lot of pain. Trying to stand felt like shards of glass were in my toes and I couldn't even straighten my foot for weeks to be able to sit normally. I had bruises and pain in my arms from the crutches and felt like I could slip and fall and not be able to get up every time I got in the bathtub (without my husband's help.) I was nearly suicidal but I held some vague hope that things would somehow improve. I relied on him take care of me to a certain extent, while he was yelling and insulting me or seething with so much rage that he couldn't look at me. He blamed me (verbally, daily, not just in his attitude) for my injury, as if I'd fallen on purpose. I also lost two grandparents who I was close to during this time, and I had just started a new job where I didn't know anyone yet and felt very isolated.

The end result of all that was that somehow I gathered more strength to protect myself... I started exercising and eventually jogging when I could so that I would never feel so physically weak again. I started pouring my energy in my career so I would have a life outside of my marriage, and I gave up my desire to have children with my husband who I was not quite able to trust in the same way. (Before it happened I was taking prenatal vitamins and talking about wanting kids all the time!)

And earlier this year, when I was going through another time that was ALMOST this bad, I found a journal entry I had written four years ago.. It helped me to realize the pattern that I was stuck in, so that I could form the willpower to leave and break the cycle of abuse. It helped me remember that what I was going through with him had happened many times before, in different ways.

All this is to say... I've been through a lot with my narc over the past ten years, but it makes me all the more thankful for the future I have in front of me. Whatever happens, I know that I will never allow myself to be trapped and controlled by another person in that way. The rest of my thirties will really be *my* thirties, and no more of my life will belong to him. Phew! That's something worth celebrating, right?

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NowImNarcFree's picture
[23350]
May 21

@Karinah thank you! I went out on the town with someone who left her abuser around the same time as me, and had a great time-- both of us needed to get out. ;) I need to plan something on special occasions so I don't end up sitting at home and feeling sorry for myself, even if it's something small. Fortunately making plans is stress-free now that half my brain is not devoted to calculating how to avoid setting off my narc's outburts of rage.

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Karinah's picture
[11060]
May 21

@Lindilu - oh wow, I feel like my ex was the same kind of twisted person. What he did on your Birthday was intentional, emotionally cruel and calculated. He also gas-lighted you, when he lied and said he told you his daughter was going to the car show with him. Then the car wreck, ugh!! I'm so sorry. I understand this kind of devious calculating emotional abuse. I experienced it a lot. My ex-N couldn't handle anything being about me, or me getting any positive attention. He used the Birthday as a special day where he could try to hurt me even more. So on my 1st birthday with him, I came out of the shower and he had put 6 naked women - porn on the big Plasma TV in our bedroom. He never put any kind of porn on before and he didn't discuss this with me. But he knew that my ex prior to him had a problem with it, so it was a bit of an issue for me. I was bewildered at the time because I didn't understand narcissism. I just thought, why is he doing this? Is he intentionally trying to make me feel bad? Why on my birthday? I told him if he were going to put porn on again it was going to be all men and they had to be hot and hard bodied. He didn't do it again.
The next year he picked an argument. I stayed calm and just stated my opinion respectfully. He raged about something meaningless and told me to leave (it was his house). So I left and didn't return until the next day. He acted super hurt and apologetic and didn't ask me to leave again. But he did all kinds of other abuse. He kept changing up his abuse game and slowly got worse and worse.
Your ex reminds me of a deviant mean kid. He feels extra special when he's planning something fun (for his daughter) and leaving you out and making you feel bad. I'm so sorry. We're here for you. Keep posting and let me know how things are going.

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Karinah's picture
[11060]
May 21

@NowImNarcFree - Good for you!! I wish we could count on our significant others to do something kind and special on our birthday. But I just don't feel you can count on it. But you know who you can count on? ... a good girlfriend. No drama, just fun. They get it when you tell them it's your birthday. So glad you had a great time!

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