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Hello! It has been ages since I posted here. I left my abu

NowImNarcFree's picture

Hello! It has been ages since I posted here. I left my abusive and narcissistic ex-husband in 2018 and this support group was so helpful during that process. I have a new question for all of you: have you disclosed your history with abuse to doctors / medical professionals, and how did that go?

Here’s some background info:
My divorce was finalized early 2019, I’ve maintained No Contact since January 2018, and moved on in so many ways. I actually ended up finding a wonderful partner and MARRYING him this summer in a private ceremony. We want to try to have a baby, but there are some medical issues that could be in the way, so I’m seeing a doctor about that. I’m 34 and don’t want to wait too long. and if you’re familiar with my story… I had originally wanted to have children with my ex but when the abuse escalated around 2014 and I became injured when I rushed down the stairs to get away from him, I made the decision that kids were not for me. I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have, even though I decided that the environment was something that I wouldn’t want a child to see. “I can only take care of myself in this” was my attitude, until about 4 years later when it escalated again and I realized that I couldn’t allow myself to live like that either, and I ended up leaving.
It wasn’t until I found my new partner that I realized that having children might still be an option for me, now in a loving and nurturing home.

Anyway, about the medical issues: I told my doctor that I have a history of sexual abuse because I thought it might be relevant based on some things I read. He asked when that ended, and I said when I left my ex-husband, about 3 years ago. He seemed surprised that the sexual abuse was referring to my ex husband? I said yes, it was an abusive relationship. Then he seemed a little confused and asked if it was sexual abuse or was it physical abuse? I just said, “it’s complicated, but it definitely caused negative associations with sex.”

I felt odd about it, like the worry that people won’t believe me or think I’m credible, or will think what I experienced “doesn’t count.” I also felt like, I shouldn’t have to go into a lot of detail here, but it’s relevant that the doctor know that I have had bad experiences with sex.
The abuse I experienced with the ex was primarily verbal and emotional, but I was also in an environment where I was coerced into unwanted sex or to do/allow unwanted things on a regular (daily?) basis. I was in an environment where I didn’t know that “no” was an option. If I said no, I was “punished” with rages, insults, and other abuse tactics. I had very little power in the relationship and my abuser routinely did things to humiliate, embarrass, and shame me. I don’t want to have to explain to my medical provider why that can still have an effect on me now, even with a safe and loving partner.
I also had previously told the doctor about the abuse, so I was surprised it wasn't already in my file. I had been on anxiety medicine for several years to deal with anxiety and panic attacks, and decided to try getting off of it because of pregnancy complications that it could cause, and since the circumstances that caused the anxiety had changed.

Do you all have any thoughts on this? How do you feel disclosing that kind of history and what kind of reactions do you get?

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Sep 18

Wow, and yeah, without control my hub cant get a hard on. At least i believe thats the connection. Pretty certain. So the moment he gains it in any sense of control over me the sex is good. Sad and sick.

incognitomode's picture
Sep 18

@CL061 Yes, the tactics are clear as day. We are in the process of buying a house. To make a long story short I made a comment about a personal attribute (about myself) that I was working on. He got angry and somehow saw it as a slight toward him... because everything is all about them! Anyway, this upset him and he came back with, "I really don't appreciate the comment about your morality and whatnot and honestly I don't feel comfortable doing the house thing."

I just told him this was something I was working on for myself and has nothing to do with him. I told him, "Not everything in my life is about you or directed toward you." I told him I was fine with whatever decision he made about the house and to let me know so I can let the seller know. I think he was quite surprised this didn't upset me.

I should hear next week whether or not I got a job I applied for. That will be the catalyst for moving forward with phase 2. I am so glad I found this page... I deleted a lot of my posts because I'm scared he could be monitoring my internet browsing. Hearing all of your stories and bouncing things off of you has been a huge lifeline.

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incognitomode's picture
Sep 18

@Rosysunflower Yeah, it IS twisted. Mine prefers porn which he denies using. I'm always surprised when he touches me... maybe once a month... and only then for sex.


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