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Hello, I am in my 30s, extremely well educated single woman

Hello,
I am in my 30s, extremely well educated single woman, I always tried to do the right things in life. I met this guy on a dating app, who is as qualified as I am, on our first date he very patiently listened to me, claimed to be my knight in shining armor, and on our second date he made us exclusive. I lost my virginity to him on our second date after he said we are in this together and we are in a committed relationship and many big promises. Even when we had sex, he said that we won't do it, and in the end, we ended up doing it, the time I confronted him, he said how can I be so stupid to even think we won't do it, and asked me how many people took advantage of my gullibility. I thought of sharing this with my friends but didn't want them to think badly of him as he is my boyfriend now. I stopped thinking about it as things moved very quickly.
1. Within a few weeks of dating, he said he loves me and made me delete my dating apps.
2. Started talking about marriage within a month (I am Asian and he is European, it was shocking that it was coming from someone that early in a relationship).
3. After a month of relationship, he started saying condescending things to me, like I don't make as much as he does, the most important thing for a woman is to marry, I don't have to file for my green card as I can get that easily after marrying him (and I always answered to him that I am with him because I want to be with him, I don't want to feel the necessity of needing him, I am a very self-dependant woman, he always hated that statement).
4. He used to make big talks about us getting engaged, married, forced me to tell my family about our relationship (I asked him multiple times before telling my parents as it is a big deal for me, and every time he was mad that why can't I just trust him).
5. Right before Christmas (3 months down our dating), he said he will celebrate Christmas with me, as for Russians Christmas isn't as important as the first week of January, I asked him multiple times if he is sure and doesn't want to celebrate with his family- he said he wants to be with me for Christmas as he will celebrate New Year with them. And at the last moment, he canceled our Christmas plan and went home (His home is 4-hour drive from our town).
6. During the Christmas break, we had a few fights after this incidence, also because one of my friends found him active on Tinder - we both deleted our apps a few months before this incidence. He was so confident it's not him, and he is madly in love with me and what not.
7. He made sure to talk about his ex every now and then, how she keeps writing him emails and keep sending stuff to his new office as she doesn't have his new home address. I always asked him to post a picture of us together as it will mitigate any advances from ex if she sees that he has moved on, he promised we will post a picture on our six month anniversary- that never happened!
8. Every time I doubted his intentions, he made sure he went above and beyond to make sure I am convinced.
9. He controlled what I used to wear and I did let him as I didn't want to fight (as I was warned by him about his ex fighting with him all the time). I am a curvy woman, even when I dress very modestly in a cotton t-shirt, the beginning of my cleavage is seen- he hated and commented on them so much that I ended up buying only zip-up jackets (and used to zip them up until the neck).
10. He introduced me to one of his friends after warning me if I want to meet his friends, I have to first learn how to dress up properly. His friend and I really had a great conversation, after we left the restaurant my ex didn't talk to me for 30 min, I was very decent in front of his friend, I just kept wondering what did I do wrong, and apologized to him so that he started talking to me, and as soon as we reached home, he became so normal as if nothing happened.
11. I am conservative, whenever he used to drive, he used to keep his one hand under my blouse, and I hated it. I told him many times, fought many times saying it embarrasses me and I do not like this behavior, he promised it he won't, but every time he did! I had to either hide my face or bend down so no one sees us, as I felt humiliated all the time.
12. Break up with me for a week and then get back with me saying he can't live without me multiple times, to the point I felt numb by this behavior of his. I hated the breakup stupidity and asked him to take a week off and decide what he wants, right after a week, he got back to me saying he can't live without me and blah blah, same day when I went to his home, I found a condom wrapper in trash can as I was throwing squeezed lemons. I confronted him on that, he said he was masturbating and why can't I just trust him! He made me feel guilty about the whole thing, but I wasn't convinced, while he was in the restroom, I checked his trashcan, it had a receipt on the name of a promiscuous married woman who he used to fool around before meeting me. It was his birthday following week, so I thought of asking this to him after his birthday. I put a smile on my face and planned his birthday extremely well even (with the midnight birthday plan and followed by next day dinner) though it was the longest day at work.
13. Right before this condom episode and going on a break drama, I had met an accident as he made me take Plan-B twice in a week (first time he didn't wear a condom, second time it ripped). The time I took it, he was like he is so surprised that I am being so careful, and after I met an accident he said how can I be so irresponsible by taking it twice, even though initially he asked me to (I bled profusely and fell on my bathroom floor and fainted for a minute, bled from my mouth and had to run to an emergency ward, and ended up having a dental surgery). I did everything on my own after the accident, took an uber, went to the emergency ward, went for my surgery alone, the Dr. asked me to be on pain killers and antibiotics for a week, I was pretty scared to even enter my restroom. the only thing I asked this loser was to come to sleep next to me in the night, as I was afraid that what if something happens and what if I faint again as I was too weak, he didn't, and when one of my male colleagues wanted to come to my place to drop off food, he made a very terrible comment, I had to ask my colleague not to visit my place.
14. I was going to travel abroad for a conference, he removed a ring that my parents gave me and put it on my ring finger, and asked me to wear it throughout the conference so that no one hits on me- I asked him to do it properly if he wants to, I even offered to split the cost of the ring if he wants (he makes 3 times compared to me). - that never happened.
15. So long story short, the abusive relationship continued, I feel terrible as how someone as headstrong and rebel a woman like me let this happen to me.
16. Since then there have been multiple times we got back together and broke up, recently one of his exes started messaging me and threatening, also telling that he was talking to her during the Christmas break (when he made a promise to me to introduce me to his parents, and canceled and broke up with me on the new years eve, I had the worst new year 2019!).

The reason I wrote most of the things is that he is hovering over my social media, and I am certain he will be back in no time. I really need help to keep him away from me. If I do not reply to his calls or messages, he threatens me that he will show at my workplace.

I installed dating apps and trying to meet new people so I do think as little as possible about him, but he always got his way through me, I am afraid he will this time too. I really need help to stop this from happening.

Any guidance is appreciated.

Best!

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[120550]
Sep 18

Be single for a while. Be free to live a happy life - without him! Listen to the warning of these others. Avoid him. You deserve so much better.

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[1510]
Sep 18

@rose1212 tbh it was the same story - lovebombing, triangulation, gaslighting, devaluing, moving goal posts. It’s eery when I read stuff about Narc bc here I am thinking my situation is so strange but then I read or hear other stories and ... It’s all the same.

When I met the Narc, I want even at a place where I was interested in a relationship. And even when he was lovebombing me, I always found it a little odd. I never quite fell for it. I didn’t get butterflies like I did with others but of course I alluded it to just being older.

I struggle with the “why me”. On paper, he’s a catch and can get anyone but for whatever reason, he choose me. I see them like hunters. They watch animals and choose the right one. The one that’s a challenge to get.

That’s why they choose us - highly educated, Independent, etc. I really believe this is what differentiates borderline vs narcissists. Narcs want someone equal or even better then them. Someone they can show off. Someone w confidence. However, they also hate us for this because in so many ways, we exude the very things they don’t have. If they are equally educated, intelligent and successful then they lack the kindness, compassion and consciousness we possess.

Idk if this helps.

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[265]
Sep 22

Ok! So unfortunately, I broke the no-contact today after three months. I called him and left him a message, he hasn’t replied yet. It’s so difficult to stay no contact anymore. I am now continuously thinking about what he might be doing and who he might be with.

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