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Lol my NPD mother sent me a video of a cute kid. I sent a pi

Blueberries1234's picture
[56145]

Lol my NPD mother sent me a video of a cute kid. I sent a picture of myself making an excited face captioned "me watching that video" Trying to be a normal human being with a narcissist mother, and they take your silliness as sarcasm and shame you, all in 3 words. "[email protected]! Love you." I can hear the tone she said Ok in, because I know her so well. The implied meaning is "sarcastic ok, to suggest that she 'knows' I am being a terrible sarcastic daughter, but that despite this she loves me because she has sacrificed so much fkr me including her dignity". But of course no one else will believe me, because that is how subtle the abuse is: it's covert for a reason. YEARS and years of repeated messages, that she doesnt need to use words. A look, a tone, it all implies a meaning and it's so subtle that no one else will see it as abuse. Lol It's so crazy! I sound crazy! But it's true hahaha No one will believe me, not even other victims of narc abuse :*D pretty funny. And the explaining...people make you explain, and that's my trigger. It leads to feeling helpless. Because I know they wont believe me, I have to justify my feelings and experience and perception haha "Well maybe she didnt mean it that way!" In the end, there is nothing concrete you can point at to prove anything. To be heard. To be seen. To be validated. To not be talked over. To be believed. Lol literally the whole world gaslights you, they all become her flying monkeys, simply if I tell my story. So her abuse continues long after she will be dead and gone, i will remain silent, because theres no point. No one will believe you because how could I know her tone through text!? Impossible! How could a tone imply so many meanings of shame? How could I love you, mean something so cruel? So shaming? So upside down and inside out? No, you must be wrong. You need to hear HER side of the story, surely she wasnt implying that. You need to forgive your parent, they didnt mean it that way. Take accountability for YOUR perceptions... hahahaha I know this is what people will say, they will try to help me but actually they will simply traumatize me by twlling me tobe more understanding of my abuser. Tbats what the psychiatrist did, that is what people on this site would do if I didnt preface this post with this explanation. I dont blame you, that is how anyone should react, if my mother was a normal human being. But she is NOT a normal human being. She is a covert narcissist. Her abuse is real, and thankfully Im in a place where I dont need validation from other people to confirm it as abuse. I just needed to wrkte this, so that I remember this moment, how she made me feel so that in the future, when I tell myself she has changed, that she is a good person, I can remind myself that no, she is very broken. She sees sarcasm where there is none, and then shames me for it while being a victim. And it's all in her head, but the way it affects me is very real (being misunderstood, being shamed, being cut down when I did nothing wrong except try to have a moment of love and let my guard down). So that I am reminded yet again, that I must not let my guard down around her. And then, this translates to other people as well, when theu dont believe me, when they abandon me, make me feel excluded and unseen... until I realize I am alone. And then, I grow beyond this and realize being alone is okay, I domt need other people to be there for me. Unfortunately as independent as I am, as strong as I am, I am a human being and we all need people we can be vulnerable with, laugh with... who wont cut us down when we are silly, loving, welcoming, open. I live in fear, not of "if" people will abandon me, but "when".

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Blueberries1234's picture
[56145]
Nov 13

@decisionstomake the worst is just the not knowing. :p in my opinion. It's the living in fear, being put in limbo, it's waiting (will I be love bombed or punished???) It's this terribly exciting game, like playing the lottery where you could either win millions and be placed on a pedestal or have rocks thrown at you and people shame you. Over time you learn to hate both and avoid everything by avoiding social situations Xp even that is punishment, it's silent treatment in a way. So literally you cannot win...helplessness... core of suicidal ideation. Lol yea I went there. Been there. It is what it is... then you rise. You dont need to predict their mood! You just need to see what they do and cut them out just as brutally as they torture you whether they can help it or not. We'll never know lol

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T123's picture
[685]
Nov 13

@Blueberries1234 If I could triple or more heart your long comment above I would add more and more hearts to it. Thanks for posting that. It is exactly how I feel, you just put it into words I did not have yet!!!!!!!

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Blueberries1234's picture
[56145]
Nov 13

@T123 im glad it helped. When you aren't in active pain from a narc and have had some space from this topic to find joy in your life again, watch the netflix show unexplained the episode on cults, and read 1984 by george orwell. Take notes on both.

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