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Childhood Abandonment: A memory. I remember I was 5 and my m

Blueberries1234's picture
[56145]

Childhood Abandonment: A memory. I remember I was 5 and my mom left me with my paternal grandparents and they put me in a room watching tv alone. I just remember crying. My mom (has vulnerable NPD) told me this story over and over and over again, saying how deeply it affected her as she happened to look into the window and see me crying, and that she told herself she would never leave me with my grandparents again. I always found it funny, how she didnt come and console me as she watched me cry, and went ahead and left me there crying. I remember how I would be stranded at school, and at different activities for HOURS, waiting for her. I would also be at the mall, and if I went to go try something on, or went to use the washroom, she would be in a completely different part of the store. She would never notice if I wasnt following close behind her, she would just totally disappear and I use to search all the isles for her, she would NEVER be looking for me. I remember waking up from a nap and she wouldnt be home and I would feel scared that she'd abandoned me forever. I was 8, 9....17 yrs old when I would get this fear. I realized this even generalized to my sister, when I woke up from a nap in the evening and she wasnt there. I had this huge panick that she left me forever, and she was just downstairs doing laundry. So yea, I have a fear of abandonment. I dont think my mom did it on purpose, she just didnt really... consider how it might affect me. Up until the age of 5 I was frequently left with both sets of grandparents. I was left with my maternal grandparents for about 2 years, and that was the only normal period of my childhood. And then I was forced to follow my parents to Canada against my wish and leave my grandmother who was really the ONLY consistent parenting style I had. I had a normal and stable secure attachment to her. And my parents ripped me away from her too, and ripped me away from my roots. I came into a world where I didnt speak the language, had no friends, I was the only colored kid in tge entire school, and I would come home and watch my mom get beat up. We lived in front of a graveyard and the wind never stopped. We had to run away from the abuse and lived in a safe house shelter. I remember feeling safe. I remember how the workers made me feel seen, for the first time. It felt nice. I dont blame my parents, but I needed to write this to acknowledge to myself this all happened before my 8th birthday. And then after that obviously my life existed to counsel my mother and make her feel proud of me so she wouldn't be a "failure as a parent" which I frequently heard. She screamed and raged at "the walls" until I was 16 when I finally screamed at her to stop and talked back. I had no friends, because I felt shamed as she never approved, it would be stressful to bring them home, and she always made me feel guilty for "leaving her" if I went to see friends. By grade 9 I wanted to die. I had no friends. She often compared me to this girl who was seriously out to steal my friends and "beat me" at everything I showed any interest in. My mom often took her side until about grade 11. Grade 12 I missed 63 days of school I was so depressed. 1st year university I thought about dying most days. I decided I couldnt go into the career she wanted me to go into, because she had to "give up" her career to go on social assistanxe to take care of us. I acknowledged this, but it was a guilt trip. She made me feel I owed her my life. That one day Ill have kids and realize what I put her through. I know she cant help it, but this stuff HAPPENED. Ive been depressed since grade 5. She cut off my long hair really short to look like hers, bjt it looked so bad, and then I gained so much weight because she fed me so f ing much. We couldnt leave the table until we ate it all, which sometimes took hours and Id be falling asleep at the table. I remember her making my hair into crazy hairstyles, but PULLING pn my hair so hard Id be crying. Every day going tk school I would be forced to eat 2 eggs and 2 glasses of warmed up HOT chocolate milk and I wanted to barf. Every day. Idk. She did her best, she really did. But I just need to write this because it wasnt the WORST but it all sort of added up. Idk. I wish people would just NOT have kids, instead of tell them they look like their father, as a hidden veiled insult. I grew up hating my face because i looked lkke the man who beat up my motber and insulted my grandparents. I grew up hating myself. People always leave me, or Im forced to leave them. Or, people are indifferent to me. So grateful for my sister. The only thing I really got of emotional safety from my parents. Lol my mom always likes to tell me the story kf how she had determined she had planned to run away woth my sister when she was born, and leave me with my father. Fun little stories to tell your 9 year old. So YES my mother is a narcissist, she always was. And yes it is because she went through trauma but guess WHAT. I am allowed to f ing complain. So anyone who says I need to give her a break can shu t the f up, ive given her a break my whole life, and still do but I am allowed to ay what happened and feel angry, upset, and cry and TALK. Okay? So angry. Even the psychiatrist was like ...(after 10 mins of meeting me) oh your mom had depression following birth THATS why she was bla blabla.... YES I KNOW. OBVIOUSLY. But why is it that I have to brush off what I experienced, because my mother went through a hard time? F off everyone who thinks like that. The problem isnt that I cant see HER perspective, Ive done that my whole life. The problem is that no one will allow me to speak about MINE.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[56145]
Oct 18

@Living4Peace even not being ashamed is a big step forward. Im trying not to use words like pride or shame in my vocabulary, because in my mind Ive completely shifted to not wanting to indulge in these concepts whixh are very much the same as they must exist in the presence of the other. I want neither pride nor shame (both exist through comparison). I just want to focus on accepting myself and others without judgement. Without sticking emotionally charged labels onto anyone. I have nothing to be ashamed of, neither does a narcissist... we are often products of our experiences we are all changing (some more than others and in different directions and ways). So... it actually frees up a lot of space in my mind. I feel my brain getting healthier, I still fall backwards sometimes, but I can see how quickly I recover, the internal difference within me, the understanding of life has shifted. Recalibrate. The narcissists have allowed me to become an excellent learner. Im very happy about that. I dont know what else I could go through, I cant imagine anything else in life even coming close to that experience. To come that close to insanity, recover, to have lost myself... it really makes you value and treasure your life and yourself. I have zero tolerance for people mistreating me and that makes me feel incredibly powerful.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[56145]
Oct 18

@LeeLMN Id love to hear more about what boundaries youve set, how, and challenged you faced in that process.

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Living4Peace's picture
[37990]
Oct 18

@Blueberries1234 Its taken alot to just get to this point. Balance is definitely a great goal to reach for. It sounds like you're reaching for healthy goals, good for you. Balance, health, and peace. I've been reaching for these too. We all falter, especially when healing. I definitely do. Well, life can always be worse, but you're very right. To be at the point where you will no longer allow anyone to mistreat you is an amazing feat. It allows a kind of calmness to enter your life, that for me is brand new. I'm done with the non-stop, pointless fighting. It sounds like you've come a long way in your healing too. That's awesome.

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