My husband has been pretty verbally abusive our whole marria

ALynne's picture
(410)

My husband has been pretty verbally abusive our whole marriage. I can't count how many times I've been told I'm worthless, waste of time, and every cuss or derogatory word in the book. Today when I was upset that he never gets up and helps with our son on Thursday morning, it turned into I was telling him he was poop and that maybe I should try to bring some value to the marriage. Later it turned into if I died the kids wouldn't be losing anything, cause I don't do anything for them, followed by he hates me and I'm completely worthless. Much more was said inbetween that I can write here.
When we try to talk he says I do nothing but complain and ask stupid questions (he had an emotional affair, got addicted to porn, and flirted with dozens of women at work for years.) When ever I am trying to heal from the betrayal I get yelled at for being emptional and told if I don't stop he will leave. Whenever I try to talk to him about things that bother me he either acts like he understands then ignores it or yells at me for 'attacking him and calling him poop.
Today when we were talking about why I'm in emotional distress he is just telling me it's my fault. He says that he does good, but I get emotional and piss him off and he can only deal with so much then snaps. When I try to explain that's an abuse cycle and is exactly why I'm in distress and emotionally disregulated, he says it's still my fault. If I want him to stop being angry then I need to stop getting emotional and asking stupid questions.
He can't accept that his verbal and emotional abuse is exactly what causes the chaos in my brain, it gives me whiplash how he just flips on a dime. He yells at me for not just getting over it. "Why can't you just put poop in the past?" Is what I get told constantly. And with the betrayal I get yelled at for worrying but I had 2 straight years of finding more, him continuing, and then being told that of course he goes and talks with them 'they aren't all depressive and itching like me'. I also get yelled at when I have low self esteem because it's annoying. Anytime I ask for reassurance I get attitude and annoyance and within a day or two yelling. It's been like this since the first betrayal came to light. He doesn't work on his anger so he can help me heal.
How does anyone stay sane in these situations and how on earth do I get him to see he is abusive and in a constant abuse cycle?
And BTW in-between he is sweet as can be telling me I'm perfect and he's sorry, I'm everything for to him etc.

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sunfloweraf's picture
(1705)
Nov 20

Living with an unpredictably abusive partner can be so terrifying. It sounds like you think he is less abusive when he is taking his meds, but taking meds probably doesn’t help him address the cause of his abusive behavior. Do you know if he experienced trauma as a child? Has he seen a counselor?

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(26340)
Nov 20

@ALynne. Oh dear. I feel badly for all you snd your kids are going thru. His unpredictable behavior may have everyone on edge wondering if this is a good or bad day for him…I don’t know your kids’ ages; it isn’t emotionally healthy for them. Also, you write that he can be great IF the stars align and he feels like it and takes his meds (but doesn’t make the effort to go to therapy….)
I find a few things helpful in my own relationships…I have a little standard for myself that if I wouldn’t do it (whatever it may be) to you; then it is NOT ok for you to do it to me. Ex. If I wouldn’t hit you/you shouldn’t hit me; if I wouldn’t verbally abuse you/you shouldn’t verbally abuse me; not acceptable for you to verbally abuse me.
The other thing is “what people say is meaningless if their actions don’t match their words” ; why believe the “I love yoys” if he’s going to later scream or degrade or bully you? That would make all the “I love you’s” in the world mean absolutely nothing to me…

It would help you to get some counseling for yourself first. Couples counseling only if you decide to try to salvage anything with him It may or may not even be a fixable relationship. If for no other reason; you have kids who really need to be shielded from living with this..10 years from now they could be on here posting about their frightening abusive dad and how that shaped their future relationships (I’ve been there).
There’s a lot of other people in the world; you may need to close this door in order for God to open another one
Hugs

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sunfloweraf's picture
(1705)
Nov 22

How are you doing? If you aren’t familiar with the cycle of violence, this is a helpful link:
https://domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/
1. Tension building 2. Acute explosion 3. Honeymoon period

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