I'm ashamed to even write this. I feel guilt, shame, sadness

I'm ashamed to even write this. I feel guilt, shame, sadness, anger. I know I will get comments that will judge me and im sorry. I just want to die. On Saturday I had my first abortion ever. I was pro-life till last week when everything changed. I never thought ill be in this position so soon. I obtained my masters and have many loans up to the $95,000 and I am having a hard time finding a job still, which came to my decision. My BF has a great job but he cannot afford me, himself, and the baby. he also lives far (suburbs) and I cannot drive there because I don't drive because I live in a city where I use public transportation. we both agreed that having a medical abortion was best. it was heartbreaking because we wanted kids together. it was a difficult decision which has had me depressed and full of guilt. he supported my decision and so we went along he came with me and was supportive even tho we were both upset and sad. I was on birth control but it did not work at the time.

4 days after the abortion I am here recovering (I did a medical abortion - pill) yesterday my BF completely lost it and called me a 'baby killer' and blamed me for everything and said I 'killed his child' and it was all my fault even though it was OUR decision. idk how u can say that to a woman who is going through so much already. he kept saying I wasn't there for him. but the entire weekend I was trying to be there and kept telling me to open up because being quiet isn't good for him but he said 'its about u right now and u recovering' he took care of me all weekend and then he said that. I can't believe someone could say such hurtful things to a woman who is hurt physically and emotionally. he then continue to attack my personal life and say "at least I have my own career and u don't" "at least I have friends and u don't" and called me a "b**tch" multiple times.

I am hurting both because of this pregnancy that is gone and him hurting me and going back on his word. I don't know to do but I don't want to be abused any longer. I want to heal. all he wants to do is argue and say hurtful things to me. I thought he was being so supportive and now I feel alone and depressed. not sure if he is angry but even if he has anger this was a decision we made together why be so cruel and evil and say such nasty things. :(

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Maria199's picture
May 20

again thank you everyone for the ongoing support! it really helped and I'm sure it helps others that would rather stay quiet about it on here especially because there isn't a group for it. thank you all! you guys made a difference in how I feel and made my healing process a bit better :)

Verelinn's picture
May 20

@Maria199 Sending you lots of love!

May 21

Sweetheart, I can't believe you're still obsessing about this. You made your decision, the right one 4 you. I haven't read ALL your posts, but the father is a ****. Not someone you would want to live with 4 the next 50, 60 years. If you don't have a mother in your life, I'll act as one. Shape up. You made your decision. The right one. Believe me, I know. STOP talking about it and get on with your life. Join a fitness center, get buff and lean. It will do wonders for your self esteem.


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