this is like half question half vent post, but i'm nineteen

klearlykit's picture
[295]

this is like half question half vent post, but i'm nineteen years old and i can count everything sexual i've ever done with someone else on one hand and i know that's not like not normal, but i'd never even kissed someone before i went to college. and when i did have sex (not like. full on sex, but like, sex omg i'm sorry idk the line of what's appropriate here or not) it felt so awful and awkward and horrible and i felt so bad and big and ugly the entire time that i made him leave as soon as it was done just so it could be over you know, so like anyways i've started telling people i'm ace/demi (asexual as in i don't experience sexual attraction to anyone)(demisexual as in i need a strong romantic bond before i experience sexual attraction) because i feel on some level that's true cause i've never really experienced any kind of sexual attraction. but i have like crippling self-esteem and i'm going on year two (woot woot) of struggling with an eating disorder so i also don't know if like i'm ACTUALLY ace/demi, or if i just can't stand the idea of someone seeing me naked like that because of how much i hate my own body. it sucks cause i feel like my eating disorder has made it impossible to define my sexuality, which is like a key part of who i am, you know?

anyways thanks for reading maybe i can stop thinking about this and go to sleep now. xx

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shinyhan's picture
[1535]
Aug 12

Sorry to hear of your troubles. I have struggled similarly and slap me, but I had to giggle in recognition. Weight, self esteem, body image, comfort with the opposite sex... it's all intertwined for me. I chalk it up to a woman's worth being so attached to appearance and sexuality in our culture. Do you feel comfortable discussing your Ed?

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klearlykit's picture
[295]
Aug 12

@shinyhan thank you so much for your interest and support :) im honestly so bad at answering comments i'm so sorry; i do feel comfortable discussing my ed on some level but i also don't know where to begin. i know it stems from body image and self-esteem, not stress. and it's a mix of restricting and b/p. i'm against getting any therapy for it specifically (especially group therapy) because i'm too afraid of viewing the other participants as competition or having them view me as such. um. i really don't know where to begin though haha

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shinyhan's picture
[1535]
Aug 13

Could you clarify what you mean by seeing fellow sufferers as competition? Can you separate that insecurity from your wise self?

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