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I'm having a tough time tonight. In theory, I am in recovery

I'm having a tough time tonight. In theory, I am in recovery: I am a healthy weight. But my head doesn't feel recovered. There's not a day when I look in the mirror and like what I see, not a meal I eat that doesn't make me worry that this will be THE ONE that makes me fat, not a moment I don't think about being vigilant so I don't get heavier, not a time I go to the gym where I don't take a photo of my body so I can analyze what needs to be shed, and not a day where I don't run my hand down my side, hoping to feel ribs again. My rational brain knows that I need to eat, and knows that a few pounds here or there aren't to be judged. My emotional brain just wants to be tiny again, lithe like a dancer. Tonight it's weighing heavy on me, and I'm forcing every fork full in to my mouth, and they are making me angry.

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 2
CKBlossom's picture
[477005]
Feb 17

It is a disorder that you are fighting, it may never shut up, but everyday that you fight, know you are winning.

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[60]
Mar 2

This isn't going to be helpful because honestly I'm just as lost as you. I always feel trapped and like I'm forcing myself to eat and fast at the same time. It's confusing and I always feel bad about it either way. I try to use coping strategies like music and podcasts. They don't work all the time but it's helped out a lot a couple times. Keep fighting, I support you

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