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Question: Can you stay amicable with your STBXW during the

NewMe2.0's picture
[865]

Question: Can you stay amicable with your STBXW during the legal separation process when the lawyers are figuring out how much Alimony I will owe her?
I want to stay amicable because of the kids. But also because I am still attracted to her, love her, and am dealing with losing a marriage and my life plan and I don’t want to lose her friendship. I will admit that this last reason is slowly becoming less as she is becoming more confrontational and distant with me. I am worried that this is because her new man, who was in the family law business, and is now relying on her for financial support through our joint account (She has full access to our financial until the legal separation is finalized). She is now starting to accuse anything nice I do as manipulative. I am tormented by how she started an emotional affair with him while we are married but also by thoughts that they are conspiring to get as much alimony out of me as possible. Currently, because she was the stay at home mom, she will get the kids, gets the house, and I will have to pay her alimony, even though she initiated the separation. We have no fault divorce in our area, so adultery has not effect on division of assets.
I will acknowledge that we grew apart and she filled her need to connect with this man because I was unable to meet her needs. I focused too much on trying to provide, taking care of the kids and helping around the house, because of all her criticisms. I now realize too late, that her criticisms were her cries to try connect with me.
So how do I stay amicable for my kids? Im thinking I need to stop holding a candle for her but is this just a midlife crisis thing that we may reconcile from? Or am I stuck over her and not able to move on emotionally? This really sucks. Thanks everyone for your support.

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NewMe2.0's picture
[865]
Dec 4

@outoftheblue72. Hi OOTB. DDay was 1 week before our 20th so I share your pain. Yes the legal system sucks. I have been stuck tormenting myself and hoping she will come back to me. But, ever since she came back from overseas with her new man, I think her true colours are coming through. I can understand where she is coming from and that she has shut the door on our marriage. I now see she is being amicable with me so she can get the best settlement for her and her new man. I do have a good lawyer but no fault divorce really sucks. Fortunately I think I will be fine financially if it plays out like it should. I can’t worry about it.

Thank you @OutOfTheBlue for your insight and it will be helpful moving me forward towards my new life.

Thanks everyone for your insight. To answer my question. I think we can be amicable if I’m realistic of what our relationship has become. I need strength to always take the high road. There is also a strong reason to be amicable and that is for our kids. Good luck everyone else for your troubles and thank you all for your support and compassion

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NewMe2.0's picture
[865]
Dec 4

@TR06. Thank you for your insight about how they looked for more things to be annoyed about. This is their coping mechanism to justify them breaking up the vow they made and the guilt over reaching outside the marriage for intimacy.

Looking back, my depression took a huge turn for the worse around the same time she started contacting the other man. She was able to get intimacy through an emotional affair and coped by pushing me away. I spiralled further into misery knowing that I was unable to be good for her.

I now understand where she was to end up like this. I wished we were able to break our downward cycle of growing apart earlier. But we did grow apart so I am empathetic to where she is. It helps to know that it is not all my thought, especially with the insight of @TR06. Thank you and I will use this to move forward and try to break out of this cycle of total self blame.

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NewMe2.0's picture
[865]
Dec 4

@shamdog6. First off thank you for your service to your country. I have immense respect to people who serve.

It does suck knowing she has a friend in the divorce business. In my case, her friend is her new man, and she is financially supporting him because he screwed up royally and very sleazily in our country and is suspended. So he has a stake in the game.

You are a strong man, @shamdog6, and serve as an inspiration to focus on the things we can control and let go of the things out of our control. Focus on being the best Dad, Taking the high road, Taking care of yourself. Anything more?

I hope you also have a good lawyer and that despite her, things will work out fairly. It sucks that the legal system is biased against men but it is what it is and we still need to live our lives. Keep strong.

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