This week's Brilliant New Topic: Happy Tears, Sad Tears, Tears abound in 2020!

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I joined this forum exactly 1 year ago. I know it will pass

beth65's picture
[35775]

I joined this forum exactly 1 year ago. I know it will pass but I've been feeling a bit depressed today. At my lack of progress getting my life together, of the fact I'm not excited about the life I'm building and it's taking so long and still unknowns. Like will I be able to earn a living which is a huge one. Yet I've not been looking for a job. Smh to my own self. I am finally buying a house which is not what I want and more than I can afford but it will be a start. And then I just saw a recent Facebook photo of my ex with his woman. A mutual friend had a baby and posted that's how, I've been forcing myself not to go there. He is now sporting pink hair. I can't imagine that if he had stayed with me. Of course these things are superficial and I wasn't given a chance and there was no communication from him about it. Just a lot of hiding. He looks genuinely happy to be who he is with a person who matches him better. Jealous my ex instantly found a happier life and knows who he is and what he wants, and I'm still figuring it all out. I still think we should have worked on our marriage and that compromises could have been made. I always hear the expression "as long as you're happy that's all that matters". I've always disagreed with that. Drug addicts are happy when you give them drugs. A child would be happy to run in a busy street. When you marry you're supposed to be family. People today marry and it's just temporary until they aren't thrilled anymore and it becomes something you have to actually work on. But If your spouse clearly doesn't love or respect you should you stay? And my ex clearly felt he could never be himself with me. Outside the obvious of abuse, deceit or infidelity, where do you draw the line? I feel like I should feel happy for him because he found himself and his place in the world and he is happier now and if I loved him wouldn't I feel that way? I kind of do but mostly don't, I never knew when he married me that he wanted to be something else entirely. It makes me angry that he deceived me and then didn't even want to try and work on it. Then I think if I find another man and fall in love that will help me feel better, great if that happens, but that cannot be my solution. I need to keep pushing on.

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beth65's picture
[35775]
Sep 18

@Annep2018 thank you

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[1055]
Sep 18

@beth65 I am in the same boat as you, except I am 61. I did not have children. My plan was to retire with my husband when I was 62 to a 55 plus community so we could have an enjoyable retirement. Instead the stbx suffers from dementia, anorexia/bulemia, confusion, is being prodded to divorce me by his sister who wants his assets, and he found "a women he needs" because she doesn't work (is on welfare, HUD housing, snap) and has the time to make him "happy".

Life doesn't always turn out the way we plan it. Sometimes we just don't have any real say in the matter. Jack Sparrow in one of the Pirates movies said: "The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem."

I am trying to take the attitude that life may not be what I planned, but there is going to be something good about what I rebuild. Sometimes, on my down days, it takes a lot to remind myself of this. But when I am rational, I see that I am getting rid of a very abusive and huge problem with this divorce.

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beth65's picture
[35775]
Sep 18

@PB2020 thank you. My mom and stepfather live in a 55+ community and they love it. My college daughter would love to live in their neighborhood. They sing and have serious Karaoke once a month. My daughter sings with them when not in school. My parents are always doing something and they've made some really nice friends. I hope you can get into that community still if you want.

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