I feel so confused right now. I felt like we were totally sp

[1065]

I feel so confused right now. I felt like we were totally splitsville. I mean seriously, but my husband had started warming back up a bit, etc. I feel like this is the same pattern we always go through. We go along fine for awhile, then some drama with his crazy ex and/or kids throws or world into drama, it's crazy for awhile and then we're fine again, for awhile anyway. For the past year plus I've been really depressed too over just this pattern and feeling like I'm second choice after the kids and now his job. I went throw being taken for granted with my first husband and I don't not to do that again. A few weeks ago I made arrangements to talk with someone tomorrow about their house they are selling and may be willing to rent to me until I can buy. It's in my own neighborhood and there are few choices in my city of good desirable housing and I need to live in the city for work. Do I still pursue this? I wish my husband was a bigger @$$hole, but I really like him except when he takes me for granted. Maybe that's a big enough ****, I just mean it would make it more obvious to leave. My friends all think it's time to end it because we aren't on e same page and can't seem to get there. Before I was so afraid to be alone, but I realize I've been pretty alone the past year and don't feel quite so afraid about that (at least today I don't). It's not that everything is always horrible, but I guess I want more and I feel like I've been getting less and less in many ways. Life is short and I don't want to take that for granted. I wish I didnt feel so much ambivalence about this right now. I've never been one to break up with people. I'm always worried maybe it's the wrong choice. He's a quality person in so many ways. We just have different priorities. I don't know if he can adjust them enough for me. Sigh. Ugh! What is wrong with me???

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Jenn4473's picture
[14850]
Mar 20

Hmmm......how long has he been divorced? It seems like maybe there is unresolved stuff there that might still need to be worked out. I think there is always going to be "drama," well maybe not "drama" but "stuff." Life comes with baggage. If you and your support system feel you may be depressed, is there any way you can speak to your general care provider about that before making any huge decisions about the relationship? I think family life is very complicated and step family life is that much more so. You have kids there some of the time and they bring with them reminders of that ex spouse (both in physical features and mannerisms) and the other life they lead. I am not a step parent myself but two people very close to me are and it's tough. My heart really goes out to you being in that position.

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[1065]
Mar 20

Thanks, yes I've been seeing a therapist and have spoken to my doctor about my depression. I agree there it's definitely some unresolved issues on my husband's side with his last marriage and even ours (fantasies about what family should look like/feel like and actual reality). He's not much for therapy but we are going now. This has all been an ongoing saga for years now. I think I'm just at my wits end with unrealistic expectations about how we should all be in our family (he thinks it will be happy and fun all the time) and just the drama. Just this weekend the ex is talking about moving (nearby) but in a way that might effect the kids school. It just never ends.

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[75]
Mar 21

It's great that you've seeing a therapist, dealing with your depression & seeing a therapist together. Keep doing it - keep seeing your therapist, keep dealing with your depression and keep going to marriage counseling! Funny thing about marriages, they always change and if that change is for the better or worse is up to you. As someone whose married to a man with children, let me give you a little food for thought - when you get frustrated with the drama associated with being a "step" (feeling your husband is taking you for granted, or putting you behind his kids, his job, etc), just take a breath, think about how much time, love & effort you have invested in your current relationship and decide if you really want to go through all that baggage of life as Jenn4427 aptly calls it with another. Yes, life is short & being alone is peaceful & drama free for awhile, but it's been scientifically proven that life is longer & lived better with someone by your side. Whose to say your next SO won't have the baggage of kids & life as well? (Mine does, lol). Do you really want to start all of the drama over again with him, or maybe just lighten the load of your current marriage by getting rid of some of the resentments you both are feeling towards each other though continued counseling?

Good luck!

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