I am contemplating divorcing my spouse of 30 years. I've tri

eye4got's picture

I am contemplating divorcing my spouse of 30 years. I've tried to leave several times but was too scared. He is a Narcissist (albeit undiagnosed) and was/is emotionally controlling and abusive. We've been to counseling and he has improved but my emotional scars from how he treated me and our children won't go away. I worry what he will do when I finally get up the nerve to see a lawyer and serve him with papers. It's this fear of him that keeps me here even though I am miserable. He takes my weaknesses and used them against me. Oh and my son is getting married in 7 weeks so I really don't want to make any big change before then

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Aug 19

@eye4got Good for you, as it sounds like you've made a determined decision to go ahead, and take the next step in preparing for the divorce process. I, as well as the other commenters here who've gone through it, know all too well how scary it is -- and how much strength and courage it takes to make a life-altering change, to finally free yourself from the narcissist's control over your life. I hope you'll gather strength from the support around you, and mentally think of yourself as a brave warrior. A word of advice as you begin -- it will greatly benefit you if you can find a lawyer who understands what is involved in divorcing a narcissistic spouse. They're not so easy to find, but they do exist. I suggest you interview several lawyers, as you would in seeking a therapist. You are hiring the lawyer, and therefore have the right to ask questions, and not allow him or her to intimidate you. Divorcing a narcissist involves more understanding, knowledge, and compassion on the part of the lawyer, than divorcing a non-narc spouse. It's very important that the lawyer fully understands this, and is not close-minded enough to not believe that emotional and verbal abuse is abuse. The following passage from Melanie Tonia Evans' article, "How To Divorce A Narcissist -- Part 2," discusses the importance of not putting all your focus on the material. This is not to imply that you shouldn't receive what you're entitled to in a fair settlement -- and have the ability to live a comfortable life. But what should be emphasized, is the growth and self-awareness, on a soul level, that getting through this experience, will result in:

"Battles With Property, Assets and Loss of Money"

"It is very expensive to have been in a relationship with a narcissist – virtually everyone who ever was has lost out on a material level.

This has happened to me twice!

However, what we gain on a soul level truly can’t be quantified – if we up-level, if we grow through this experience … and if we use the whopping great billboard that surfaced our inner wounds, to release ourselves into a state of life and beingness that far transcends who we were before we were abused (Thriver model).

Something I have firmly realised is this: co-dependents haven’t known how to value their souls. We are too worried about what people think of us … how we look, what we have, what we should have … in other words how we appear to the outer world.

We believe the only value we can have and hold onto is the value that other people reflect back to us.

This is a HUGE illusion we have desperately needed to heal, so that we can experience real freedom, and the real authentic joy of being ourselves without the need for approval.

Co-dependents were also very likely to have been brought up with conditional love, meaning the value of yourself is defined by what you do, how successful you are and what you have created.

Our “Ego Self” (False Self) suffers an enormous blow when we lose the things that we have worked so hard and so long to acquire. The things that we thought were our “identity”.

So the irony is not that crazy – it makes perfects sense – that one of the greatest lessons we are learning through narcissist abuse is to give up believing our worth is attached in materialism; that our Identity is “what we have achieved or have” … so that finally we can be set free to experience soul joy and true beingness instead.

And this certainly does not mean that we will “go without” and never have money again.

I can assure you IF you stay enmeshed in resentment and intense anger that the narcissist took off with the loot, kept on enjoying the high life and you feel like you were left with NOTHING but a tortured soul and lawyer’s bills.

Then that is exactly what your life will continue to be.

“Emotion FIRST” .. this won’t change in your experience until your inner emotional experience shifts … until that happens there will be NO way for you to generate change.

And you can chose to beat that drum constantly “I have nothing now, he/she destroyed my life” – and guess what you will be right. That is exactly the experience you’ll chemically create within your being as your reality day after day after day.

Standard abuse forums are full of people doing exactly that.

However … quite to the contrary … I have personally experienced, as well as been privy to many others, who once up-levelled into their true Soul State found their true swing in life.

These people then start wonderful businesses, take the study for the career of their dreams they never could previously see themselves doing (even though they dearly wanted to ) or score their dream job.

Many of these people are now connected to more lucrative earnings than they ever have been.

But this time it’s different, they don’t need to make a lot of money in order to “be valued”, rather they are living through their souls as their true purpose and joy.

Abundance starts generating on every level.

They are not just surviving and doing a job (no matter how well paid) – they are Thriving because they are being an authentic self living out their soul’s purpose.

Source (true lifeforce) is flowing through them as them.

None of this was possible until they were brought to their knees by a narcissist, found the necessary up-levelling to release the co-dependent approval seeking and authentically replace “that” with their true soul’s worth.

The financial stuff and attachments were HUGE for me – bigger than big. (I can’t survive without a man was a huge DNA ingrained fear of me – as it is many women.) I had so many financial survival fears, and naturally the narcissists in my life did a great job of bringing these inner terrors to life.

As narcissists do …

And I’m not being sarcastic about “the great job part” – I am being really truthful. I am so grateful these were brought up for me, and made horrendous, because it wasn’t fun living with them – even before narcissists.

What I discovered is after doing tons of work on myself to get those traumas out of my body and bring in the healthy Source replacement – was the organic knowing in my cells that I was okay, I was safe, I was always going to be looked after and provided for, and I had a relationship of abundance directly with Life (not requiring another human being it provide it for me).

I also organically anchored in the truth … my worth had nothing to do with my outer accomplishments. My worth was already absolute … and what was really important was my joy – the blossoming into true radiance, love and purpose.

I know I am not alone, security fears have prevailed for many of us.

I also know that the people who very quickly decide to value their soul above anything else fare much better.

The people who are stubbornly attached to the material – believing that defines them – are in for a very rough ride when divorcing a narcissist.

So … you may wish to walk away or not.

I would say to you this … if you have your facts and can present them straight down the line, and have been able to shift yourself past fear and pain … and IF you really have no attachment such as “My life can’t recover UNLESS I get this amount of money” Or “I can’t get on with my life UNLESS I get a settlement that is good enough” … you need to move past all of these attachments, then by all means if it feels right stand up and present your case.

I know the people who feel resentful, victimised, unheard, unsupported … experience MORE of that, definitely experience that with the legal system, and many have lost everything trying to save their property and finances.

If you are working on yourself to shift your emotional belief systems – the old wounds – that are allowing such abuse in your life (the other half of the magnet) you will start getting clarity and space in your emotions.

You will be able to get into inner solid truths for yourself, rather than getting snagged up in your wounds (which taint clarity). And you will know your inner truth and answers to the questions … if it’s appropriate to stand up, or to just let go, detach and leave it behind you … or take a meager payout.

Truly, there is no price we can put on freedom.

Maybe, like it was for me, this was all meant to be. Maybe you really needed the humbling experience of learning to value your soul – and maybe there is a whole new wonderful world ahead of you when you do connect with the truth of YOU and become free to be yourself fully."

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eye4got's picture
Aug 20

He's such an ***. He's mad because I don't clean the litterbox every day and has threatened to put my cell phone in the litterbox so I "will remember to scoop it". Oh and then blames ME for his drastic threat. >:/
The sad part is I believe he would. :(

1 hour ago

You are definitely in my prayers for wisdom and guidance. My first husband would have nothing to do with counseling. He also had all the symptoms of a Narcissist. I was afraid and very depressed with him. He was physical, mentally and verbally abusive. To say this is a hard thing might be an understatement. I can give you a number that has been helped me. It's a Focus on the Family number and they are very helpful in finding good counseling and directing people to the right kind of help in general. They really do care. 1-855-382-5433. I wish you the very best. I hope you find much peace and joy.


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