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hello i am new here to this and i am look for some way to ge


hello i am new here to this and i am look for some way to get through this. so i will just start my wife of 18 years has told me she is filling for a divorce about 3 weeks ago because i do not show her affection like i did when we where dating! Than a week later she told me she was leaving for a week vacation with a man she has been seeing . So she can find the affection she did not get from me. We still are living together because i am the only one working she is a stay at home mom and i can not afford to pay for 2 homes. she is back from her trip now and i can not look at her or stand to be next to her. i feel alone sitting in the guest room by my self. how do i get passed this.

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Apr 16

Do you have a church, pastor, religious community or counselor you can talk to about these things? I hope life gets better for you soon.

Apr 16

I'm curious. She said she is filing for divorce, but did she do it? I wonder if saying she filing is a way for her to justify the trip with the boyfriend. The whole "we were on a break" justification. I think going on a trip like that and expecting to come back is just emotionally abusive.

You must be feeling terrible. The only advice I can offer is to try to find help from friends or family to help move forward. My suggestion, regardless if you stay together or not, is to get as much separation as possible now. Ask her to leave or find someone that can give you a place to stay for a few weeks to cope. You will need a reboot after this event.

Consider getting yourself into an activity or hobby. Join a sport team like soccer or basketball or some league like bowling or pool. Find a class for art or comedy. Just something that will get you interacting with others on a scheduled basis. This helps a least in my experience.

Good Luck!

TofuOrNotTofu's picture
Apr 16

Hi jn14,
So many marriages are run like a small business. Finances, mortgages, bills and children become the priority –as long as I bring home the bacon, you or I manage the budget, and tidy the house, and we will be okay. While these are essential, this was probably not the reason you got married. You love each other, care for each other, look into each other’s eyes and you find happiness in one another. But sadly, as time goes by, the marriage becomes stale and boring. Marriages need work, just like your career where you need to take courses and seminars to stay fresh and relevant.

Some guys I met say that they worked all day to provide for the family and was faithful, so what more does she want? Some of them were too tired when they get home or always thinking of how to solve certain problems at work, specially for IT guys, they cant seem to let go of their work. A book I read early in my marriage said that we should save some energy for our wife when we get home and for our kids, instead of just hitting the couch. Couples need to go out on dates, vacations, always communicating and be there for each other. Otherwise they drift apart.

Why don’t you consider going back, do some self-examining, and see if she has a point that your affection has dried up. You can take a hard line and just let the marriage fall apart or if you still want her and can slowly forgive her, start giving what she needs and save the marriage. Have a sincere talk with her. She could be just trying to wake you up and give you an ultimatum.

There are many cases like these that were still redeemed and restored. This is why marriage seminars such as Weekend to Remember ( are most often fully booked. Maybe you should try going to one. But perhaps you need to do a little bit of reading first. Here is a book called Starved for Affection and see what you can learn about your wife’s needs. I encourage you to read other books on how to restore your marriage instead of going in blindly.

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