Hello all. New member as you can tell. I just need to vent a
Hello all. New member as you can tell. I just need to vent a little and looking for some advice. Here is my story. This is a crazy story so may be long. I have been married to my wife for 10 yrs this June. I am 33 and she is 32. We have 2 daughters, ages 8 and 5.
Our marriage has been like many.....great times, good times, bad times. But for the most part, very good. The last couple years have been more trying. We've had moments where we both expressed real concern about the future of our marriage. She didn't fulfill my physical touch needs and I didn't fill her emotional/communication needs. She mentioned little over a year ago she wanted to do counseling together. I foolishly said no, that we can figure it out.
Now to the issue: Things were going along ok. I was making efforts and she appeared to be as well. Then she became close to a gal she works with. This girl is new to town and the job but had a boyfriend who worked at same place as my wife and her. Well they hung out, talked, etc. I initially thought good, she made a new friend. As they grew closer, my wife became more distant to me. I thought this new friend was a bad influence but I was trying to be supportive of my wife.
We went on a double date and that's when I knew there was something amiss. My wife and the girl were holding hands....playing footsie under the table and looking at each other all googly eyed. Of course this made me and her boyfriend upset (he has since broke up with her). They apologized and said they were just partying and tipsy. No biggie. But I knew there was more to it. I looked at her cell one night and there were suggestive texts between the two. Things like "I love you so much" and "I just want to go someplace and explore with you". I flipped out, asked if she was cheating on me. Of course she says they are just friends. But again, every time we talked it was a fight. She grew cold to me....no hugs, touching, sex, etc. She would leave our home and kids at night to go see her. Wouldn't come home until 1, 2, 3, 4 in the morning or stay all night. It was always, we lost track of time or fell asleep. I told her to choose, me or her. She said she loves me, but can't choose because she doesn't want to lose a friend.
I knew something was going on, but I had no proof. She always said just friends and she put a lock on her phone. We started going to counseling and I was trying to get these negative trust issues out of my head, all the while knowing she was in love with her. I kept thinking she will come to her senses for our family.
Finally after 3 months of this, I found proof. They were sharing a journal back and forth they would take turns writing in. Talked about how much they love each other, talking, kissing, being "intimate" and planning a life together with our daughters. After I read the journal, I gave her one last chance to come clean. She looked me in the eye and promised they're just friends. I then told her I found the journal. Then crap hit fan.
So anyway, I have no choice but to divorce. She is not even remorseful and still continues to see the girlfriend. At this point I just want stability for my daughters. I want to stay in our home and want girls to stay in their school and town to be close to family and friends. We live in a very small town and in the journal they talked about how they don't feel like they can stay here. So people are telling me and I agree, that I should go for full custody. I am a great dad and can provide them stability and keep their home. Also, my personal belief is children aren't meant to be raised by 2 moms or 2 dads in a homosexual environment. Again, just my personal belief. At same time, I do feel bad attempting this because she is a good mom. Our girls love her and she is great with them. But I need to do what's best for them. Am I wrong on this? Anyone feel the same way when filing? I go back and forth. I will feel bad trying to get full. But then I say to myself "she should've thought about this before leaving me and our family".
Just want what's best for my daughters. They will be hurt either way, but just want to give them stability. Thoughts?
Thanks for the thoughts. I am also concerned because they mentioned moving away. I guess I don't want her to uproot the children from their home, school, and friends either. I know there can be things written where neither one of us can take them out of school if we both don't sign/agree. She mentioned doing joint physical/legal. Sometimes I agree but not sure if moving them every two days or week is good either. Just so much to think about.
I am in the same boat...
I am a mother of 2 girls, one 6 and one 6 months.... I am on maternity right now and moving was a struggle. Their dad and i agreed to be no more then 30 minutes away from each other, this gives us our space, we wont run into each other at the grocery store or out on dates or anything
So far the girls are doing well, the main thing is communication, my 6 year old tells me everything she is feeling, everything she is thinking... dont get me wrong there has been a ton of ups and downs, crying and missing them, them missing me... but our relationship wasn't healthy by any means....
The girls go to their dads every other weekend and depending on his schedule at work 2 days a week for about 4 hours, either morning or after school. Kids dont see it like we do They adapt to every situation.
What they need to see no matter what is 2 parents respecting each other, being nice during the drop offs, pick ups, being on the same side for the kids, everything else they dont need to know about.
It is so hard. Breaks my heart every time they are away from me, but they need their dad.... even though he had 2 affairs.... i treat him with respect in front of the kids, i have to bite my tongue and let them love him as their dad....
@btredhot There is a lot to think about. Maybe a professional therapist can help you sort out and through all the decisions that need to be made. Sometimes we just need a fresh perspective and some help organizing all the issues that need to be felt with.