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Good Afternoon all, I hope all is well. I think I have f

Good Afternoon all,

I hope all is well. I think I have finally reached the point where I think enough is enough. Two weeks ago my daughter had a breakdown that led me to reach out to my wife in order to just ask her to be a part of our kids lives.

She has probably seen our kids 3-4 times in the last two months. She hardly messages them if any. I don’t know what has happened and how she has bought into this “I’ll figure it out later” phase. I fear that she is trying to portray me and our situation to that of her friends and wants to assimilate that everything that is transpiring with us is the same of those people whom she is surrounded by. I know that for a fact I have done everything I can to get her to at least not completely abandon our kids. All I get is: “You’re the best father my children can have and I am selfish.”

This Sunday she actually spent the day for Mother’s Day with us. After church we went to eat. As I stated earlier, I have sincerely done everything I can think of to get her to fulfill her role as a mother. In that, I asked her if she could see the kids this weekend from the 17th – 19th. She said she needed to see her calendar, you know, because she’s busy nowadays. She went to grab her phone and I guess she was looking at pictures because her PHOTOS app was open and, yep, I saw a picture of a dude kissing her. It was on the cheek (not that it matters). I went into shutdown mode and she looked spook for a second and came back with: “Well, we need to leave if you’re not going to speak because this is awkward!” I remained non-responsive for about an hour and a half. The whole time all I could think to myself was: “How did I get here and why have I allowed myself to be this humiliated?” All I thought was I end this today. I tried to find a place of peace in my heart although I was broken.

On our way back to my house (I can officially say that’s just mine), once we were close I asked her to hand me the keys to my SUV (I was going to give it to her assuming my kids would be a part of her life and an SUV is safer to drive), and to take back our old car (to which I have the title too just not signed off to me). She got hysterical as I expected (That’s why I wanted to find a place of peace to withstand the hate and harsh things she would say). I asked her to forget that I ever existed. To never call me again. I had had enough. She was not remorseful whatsoever and found it perfectly normal to have a picture of another dude kissing her on her phone. I think that’s the part that hurts the most. Like 0 remorse. Nothing. It’s almost like she never loved me, like she actually hates me and enjoys hurting me. That is probably what I will remember the most. This is the picture I plan on having when she comes back (because I know she will) and be strong. She was like, “over a picture where I was drunk really?” I simply didn’t respond and that made her more mad. She then said, “well, the moment I left this house you knew I was going to do whatever I wanted.” To which I did respond and said, “You know what, you’re right. I’m the idiot here and I now fully realize that.”

She yelled at me the entire time that she took (what seemed to be a full closet) her clothes out of the SUV. My kids saw it and I felt bad but at this point I had had enough. Outside I have a camera so I figured it was smarter for me to do everything out there in case of any evidence. I knew she was trying to provoke me. Like I said, I was in a place of peace with my decision. She said to me, “Don’t worry, I don’t care about you. I haven’t cared about you in a long time.”

It hurts because it does but at least now I know that I can move forward and be at peace in my heart that I tried. For my kids, for her and for myself. The Lord knows that if they trace any texts between her and I in the last 3 months they won’t find anything disrespectful. If anything they will find a man that fought for his family. She threatened me with going to court to which I did smile and said, “Please do. I need someone to pay for my lawyers.” (I know that’s a stretch but I know she doesn’t know that).

I have blocked her number. I am staying out of social media. Two of my kids got sick Sunday night. It sucks that I have to figure everything out but I am going to do it. I don’t know how or when, all I know is that the love I feel for those kids will lead me to the right place. I am hurt more than ever but atleast I now know my path.

On a good note, my 8-year-old passed all his state exams and did quite well and was actually invited into the academy team in his soccer league. In the midst of all bad, I am so grateful with God that somehow little by little, my kids have remained focused. I know there is pain in their hearts, but now I know what I need to do.

I am excited to say that I think I have a date to go back into playing music and that is awesome. But right now I just plan to let God do this thing. Today, I am more optimistic than ever.

I do not wish my wife wrong. I now feel more sad for her than ever (although she is having the time of her life going out all the time), but the pain that awaits ahead will be real. I pray that she’ll be ok and I pray that God gives me the strength to not hurt her because she hurt me. But I do pray to God that I remain strong and focused on my children.

Sorry for the long post.

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c0nfused1985's picture
May 15, 2019

@eddie1975 I feel your pain like you have no idea. I will share this that actually transpired last night at my house. So every day we read a Veggie Tales Bible with basic Bible stories for children. Last night, I did things a little different. I asked my oldest son to share the next devotional. After Sunday’s incident, it was refreshing to see this verse once again: Colossians 3:13 – Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Matthew 6:12 – From the Lord's Prayer – “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.”

Forgiveness is not easy. Especially when you are the one that has been hurt. Especially when you know you aren’t the only one that sees things that way. That is my case. My wife and I actually had a music ministry together and pretty much everyone that knows both of us knows that I have done everything, absolutely everything I can to help her and win her back. I felt compelled to do so for my kids sake, for her sake and for my sake because I truly love this women. But one thing you will learn about “practicing” forgiveness, is that forgiveness often will set “you” free. They may come back and be resentful at some point or not, which is my case. But forgiveness shouldn’t be an option, but instead an action.

I urge you to do it, not for her, but for your own freedom. There’s no way life is intended for us to just live for our kids and us be miserable. Our kids are a source of motivation and a source of not becoming insane, but God’s purpose is not for us to live miserable the rest of our lives. Sure, there will be hurt, sure, you’ll probably digest words that were said and will have heavier weight than when they were originally said, but that’s the beauty of forgiveness, it’s more for you than for them. I’m not saying there isn’t a purpose for the other person in forgiveness, in fact, it will something they will never forget in due time. But forgiveness will set you free.

I am praying for you brother and I hurt for you. I hurt for you because I know the pain you are experiencing because I feel it right now, I’m going through it right now.

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eddie1975's picture
May 15, 2019

@c0nfused1985 I promise you I am trying but it's so hard when she acts like there is nothing wrong. Sometimes I feel like I may be manufacturing my kid's suffering in my mind. I see factual things like grades ARE dropping, my sixteen year old daughter is sleeping with many different boys, a couple of the kids have mentioned suicide and they all complain that their mother is rarely available for them. But could it be because I refuse to forgive their mother. I even have a hard time saying forgive, because she did what she did, it's obviously wrong and I accept that, but she continues without any regret or remorse even though she sees the exact same things in the kids that I do. I don't think it's any longer about forgiveness but now it's about continued neglect and abuse.

c0nfused1985's picture
May 15, 2019

@eddie1975 Your situation and mines isn’t too far off. The only difference is that my children are younger. My oldest son stuck an eraser in his ear the first Monday that his mom was gone. Weird is all I thought and he misses mommy. That same Wednesday, my son in Kindergarten almost had his private area ripped off in recess by a tire. Luckily it missed him and only hit his pelvic area leaving it bruised. I just thought it was pouring over rain at that point and the hits just kept coming. That Sunday, the chest full of clothes along with tv and PS3 fell on top of my daughter flat. How nothing happened to her is nothing short of a miracle. The edge of the chest missed her head by an inch or two at most. It was that close to being tragic. At that moment I felt like it was all my wife’s fault and I became filled with anger that all these things were happening and she was nowhere to be found.

I believe that all these things happen in our lives and we have a choice as to how we will react to them. Of course that is a lot easier said than done. My faith at times has weakened a lot and I am scared of what I can be if I don’t learn to forgive. I know that I have every reason and I could sit here and explain every single reason thoroughly to hate this women. But I won’t. Although she is wrong, and won’t admit that hurting me is wrong, I know that the day will come where that won’t matter anymore. Not to me atleast. She will have to face karma or simply what she deserves for destroying something so sacred as a marriage is or a family over something so stupid. Something that could have been prevented in a million ways with communication being number 1.

Eddie, fight to find that inner peace. You have every right to anger and it is a stage you must endure in this process, but don’t stay there. By all means necessary try to stay away from knowing anything. I have gone to the extent of taking down all the pictures with her in my house, deleting her phone number. I am doing everything in my power to move on. I know I will have to face her eventually. I know I will have to talk to her but I only want to that when I am ready and that can only happen if I find peace. It’s easier said than done. Sometimes embracing the mystery as to why and how’s is our only option.

You’re a good man and it sounds like it by the relationship you have with your kids. Focus on that, embrace that. I know you’re in the same process as me where it is not even taking it a day at a time, but instead minute by minute or second by second. Trust me, my mind feels like a graveyard. I’m constantly thinking about the hurt, about her lack of compassion to someone whom was with her for 15 years. I think about that stupid picture all the time and I fear everything she may be doing, but I stand on one thing, I have done what is right and in the end, good always prevails. Evil may have the first laugh but not the last.

The same way I believe I will see the light at the end of the tunnel, I declare and believe you will too my friend. Don’t stay in this phase. Believe with your heart that even without anger or resentment, you will prevail. I get it, sometimes I feel like I have to turn into the HULK in order for her not to step all over me but that’s not who I am. Stay true to yourself. Don’t let this change the great man that you are. Stay strong.

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