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Going through separation and divorce. My wife says she wants

Going through separation and divorce. My wife says she wants to be my friend. I just feel right now how awkward it would be to be friends. I want to be friendly and cordial regarding parenting our son. But idk about being friends. Anyone have any thoughts? Thanks.

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Nov 19

It's tough to jump right from marriage to separation/divorce to friends. Seems to me it's typically the "dumper" who asks to stay friends with the "dumpee", just like back in junior high. My wife asked for the same, but I found it too difficult at the time. Now that I've moved on from the relationship, I told her I'm open to trying but we're finding there's still too much baggage.

We've both moved on to new relationships, and to me the test of being able to be friends would include meeting the new significant others on good terms. She's reconnected with her old high school sweetheart (who was a significant part of her demanding a divorce two separate times over the years). I've truly let go of the marriage and told her I'd like to finally meet him, no anger or jealousy, just wanting to meet this person who had such a strong hold on her heart through 20 years of my marriage. Wanting to see for myself how happy she can actually be with the right person (i've accepted that I was never the right person for her). Even though he's coming to visit over the holidays, she isn't open to it.

Similarly, she wished me well when we decided to separate and told me she hopes I find the person I deserve to be with. Even told her when I was starting to spend time with someone that I was developing feelings for. When reality hit her that I was seeing someone else, the s*** hit the fan. Even though she was seeing someone (with my blessing), she "wasn't ready" to hear that I was moving on as well. That also completely took away the possibility of friendship in her mind, so we're back to being polite and only interacting over issues with the house, kids, or car issues (I still take care of auto maintenance appointments, household repairs even after moving out).

We also still have the legal uncertainties--trying to keep things amicable and fair, but she has a lawyer who is well known as a shark. If they try to completely screw me on the separation agreement and we end up in court, that likely also kills any chance at friendship.

All that said, for the sake of the kids I'm still holding out hope that we can eventually get to a point of being friends on some level. She's still someone I was married to for 20 years and raised three kids with (her son and our two daughters). Initial thoughts of being close enough to have combined family vacations are likely a pipe dream, but maintaining somewhat friendly terms would be nice. Down the road someday.

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Ellen4550's picture
Nov 19

@FrankSL17 You are not being left for not being the right are being left because your wife has made a decision to not stick to her vows...she is using you as her excuse for her exit....I agree, no bad memory in mind worth a divorce , because marriage was supposed to be for better or for worse,,,but She isn't playing by the same rules,,,she is making up her own rules

Nov 19

I like to define it as civil for the sake of the children, whenever we have to tolerate one another's presence. There would be future weddings, graduations, etc. So there it is.


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