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Everyday is getting harder. I found her corset in the other

[2415]

Everyday is getting harder. I found her corset in the other bedroom so i suspect she is cheating as well tearing me apart. She doesnt show signs of it. But there is no reason to have that in there. Theres no dudes blowing up her phone that I can but doesnt mean theres nothing on some website somewhere. We dont even have anything psyichal and havent for months. Things are starting to make sense now. I dont believe this can be saved anymore but she has agreed to a seperation oddly. I hang on to that thinking she will be back but deep down I know I am lying to myself. Emoationally I have a void that wants to be filled. I am still fulfilling my vows and morally wont seek out another. I need my head clear first and that will will take a long time. I am 38 years old. I thought this was going to be lifelong. Guess I was wrong again . I worte her a 3 page letter poured my heart in to it I know she has it. She has said nothing to me about it. I dont even know if she will reply or wirte me back. I miss my wife and hearing from her this is all my fault makes it feel worse. More so with the small talk I have been reduced to with her. I pray everyday to God but lately I feel he has forgotten about me. I dont know what to do anymore or think. I couldnt hold it in nymore and lost it broke down at work the other day. I really have no support network to speak of which makes this harder. When you love hard and deep such as Me it feels beyound torture. My will power for anything fades more and more everyday. Seeing images of her in my head kills me more. I loved seeing her in all her glory and thats gone now as well. I have a void in my heart where she should be and its just empty now. I dont even if I have a heart anymore I dont know where to go or turn anymore. I have trust issues mental issues emotional issues I dont know if any person will ever change. I have to carry this pain for the rest of my life.

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[17215]
Jan 13

@Brokenheart2020 Am I understanding this correctly, she let her credit cards go into default so you could pay rent and you refused to do the same? So she feels like she was only one making sacrifices? I can see where she would be resentful and feel like you owe her. Especially if you weren't working at that time. Also seems rent would be high priority. I think couples have to be a team financially. That was one thing my husband and I almost did right until the separation. I say almost because we needed to improve in that area. I listen to Dave Ramsey a lot. I'm not into the debt free scream but I love hearing the couples that have become a team with their finances. I figure they must be a team in other areas too and wish I had that. When you're married it is supposed to be both your finances. Not roommates. Not his or hers. My husband and I divided paying things at first but after his accident I combined everything to make it easier. We always helped each other that way though.

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[2415]
Jan 13

So I got under her skin and to her heart tonight. I sent a random text to her and said I apoligized she asked for what and I told her for the low blows, the hurt and pain. She accepted it and told me it is still to late. I then told her she is still my Goddess. I heard nothing back. When she came home I swear it was the fastest I have seen her yet duck in to the other room. Later she started slamming doors and went out and got food. Saw a instagram post of the anger she had a drive through person. Not once during this process has she done this. So I am guessing that last part got to her heart. She wasnt prepard for that emotionally. It went deeper then she tried to hide hense the anger. I am done sadly but I have to let her go.
Talked to my pastor today turns out he knows exactly how and what this feels like. He is also divorsed as his fomer wife cheated on him. Said he didnt know wether to kill the guy or himself. He choose Jeaus instead and from my understanding has remarried. In a way that gives me hope that any the shrink I am seeing at the end of the month. Got my army at the ready ...my therpiest shrink and pastor. I still pray for her everyday and night. It brings a small piece of peace to me. I know I wont ever be at 100% again but I can get close as I can. Maybe 80% but greater then 50%. I have to look and wonder a oit the future. I know some may oppose it but since going ba k to chruch I can translate the passages to real life transcriptions. It helps and prepares me with everyday life. Something I can believe in. There is also the saying that if you love something let it go. If it comes back it was ment to be. I am pretty sure she wont come back though. I just know the grass is not greener on the other side....

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Narodnik57's picture
[2255]
Jan 15

Corset? Who still wears those?

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