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After 22 years, my marriage is done in 3 weeks. I had no ide

[50]

After 22 years, my marriage is done in 3 weeks. I had no idea how much pain my husband quietly was in. Deeply. Had no idea. i knew we had trouble but didn't realize how deep. And now he's pulled the rug out from under me and my kids. He has changed drastically in the last 1-1/2 y ears. He's 45. What's different in my case is he was working with a Dr., yes an MD, doing medically assisted "journeywork" with hallucinogenics. Through this, he has unwound pain from his past and finally found a way to express his feelings. I thought this may have led to him wanting to leave. so many have seen the changes in him. And him leaving is so not like him. I told him you've been trying for 3 years? No wonder you feel done. But now that you are sharing all this, let's try together. Not just you trying. Or just me trying. Together. Let's try together. But he says he's done. He doesn't want to try. So now I just have to accept. Even though it's been just 3 weeks since he said he wanted to separate. I am in the middle of trying to process grief, sadness, disappointment, and acceptance. It's a tall order but I know I just have to do it and I will. Any suggestions on how to manage the rollercoaster of emotions (from feeling horrible because of him making me feel like a terrible person, to supported by all friends and family reminding me of the years I've spent supporting him in everything he's ever wanted to do). I know I'm an amazing catch, but at the same time I'm dealing with emotions of "then why would he leave me". I know I played a part in all this and I've looked honestly at myself and want to change for the sake of my daughter. So sad that I've been here for him over the years as he searched for himself and now in the past year as I'm starting to grow and evolve he wants to bail. I would love any words of advice on how to move forward from a place of love. I'm 48 but applying to nursing school end of this year which I know I can't quit now, even though I'm depressed.

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[2265]
Jul 10

ab1000 sorry you are here going through this, my advice is this basically its a mind, body and spirit deal. Get those three aligned and taken care of and you will be ok. First, its time for you...its time to focus all your energy on yourself, its great you can take ownership on the break up, but be good to yourself at the same time...aka dont beat yourself up...now, onto some advice that helped me...first the mind, yep those freakin negative thoughts that come up from time to time or in some cases every freakin minute. First, this is going to sound crazy but an app called HEADSPACE helped me, its a meditation app that helps you control your mind and start to learn techniques that can help you get through those heavy moments of sadness, depression and anger. The first 10 sessions are free and helped me out a lot. You may also want to stop into a book store and look for some self help books, reading about others that have gone through what we or you are going through helped me out tremendously. Reading (will touch base later on this during the soul segment) helped me take my mind off of the madness. Counseling, get in and start talking to a therapist or counselor that my guide you along this journey. There is an organization called divorcecare.org, check them out as well, find a local group that can help you. Misery loves company, and there are plenty of people in the same boat as you to learn from. Now, we covered the mind, next the body. Time to hit the treadmill, yoga or gym! Maybe start taking daily walks and make part of your routine, the body will start to feel better and will help you burn off some of your frustrations. It helps me and I hope it helps you, put in on the LIST (thats the last piece I will touch on). When you feel anxious or nervous or helpless and the body is just twitching with anxiety, just move...force yourself to take some time to work out some of that stress. Now, the soul...remember the reading I was talking about...well, here it comes...pick up the bible, go to proverbs or psalms and start reading, pray...pray some more for guidance and support. God loves you and is listening to you, trust in him and give it to God. This will help in the later days of acceptance...aka...Let go...Let God...go to church, make friends there. There are people just dying to help others in need, check it out! Now the LISTS, my final suggestion...make a list...start now...write down 3-5 things you want to accomplish the next day, use the rest of the time preparing to accomplish those tasks and as soon as you wake up, focus on that list! This will help your self confidence, that you are ok and can take care of yourself. When that list is done...guess whats next...make another list for the next day...find a journal and put those lists in that journal...after 5-7 days look back on those lists you have completed..this will give you a sense of control and empowerment...all of the above will help you take care of yourself and you will look and feel better than you have in a long time. Keep the faith ab1000, you are welcome here...to the club...aka "this too will pass, but what a freakin ride" club. Hope this helps!

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[50]
Jul 11

Irish925 this is AMAZING! Thank you so so much. It just feels so good to HEAR a solid voice from out in the void. I have been trail walking/hiking/running since day 1 when he dropped the bomb. i think that has literally saved me from jumping off a bridge. I have one last college class starting in august and then I apply for nursing school at end of year, so that is a great focus for me. But I love the lists in the journal idea! I so need something tangible and visible to see and feel my progress. And my husband had no faith which has always been a bummer. My mom just convinced me yesterday to go back to church every sunday when the kids are asleep (they are teens 12 and 14 and summer sleeping right now). But thank you about the idea of reading the bible. i never have. I have always had my faith quietly but never regularly prayed or read the bible but I will now! Thank you thank you!!!!

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Whatstheuseanymore's picture
[2450]
Jul 11

@Irish925 You are a good soul to write all this out for someone that is hurting. May God bless you and give you grace

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