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Well, I did it; I broke Grey Rock when he came over. Seeing

mmadwaite's picture
[8650]

Well, I did it; I broke Grey Rock when he came over. Seeing him today was unexpected because the weather is so bad. He had paid a special tax assessment on the house and gave me the receipt. Then he said that the Township supervisor told him he couldn't rescind on the property for the mortgage exemption unless his name was off the deed. I'm suppose to buy him out sometime and we're suppose to settle up properties with those fast claims. One thing lead to another and we were sort of talking and going over what happened and why he left. I admit the marriage had problems and I acted very badly (yelling and crying) . His lying and haughtiness, being mad all of the time; it was just bad. We never could communicate. I always blamed myself, but now I see why for everything. He totaled his nice truck and bought a dump house which he works on constantly. So now he's having it tough. He started crying which shocked the heck out of me. I've seen him cry one other time over a cat. He did apologize for something he said that horrible night, but he does justify it. He said he is still paying some bills since he cares about me and that he did love me and still does. Broke my heart to see him cry. I've cried for 8 months; doubt he cares about that. There has been no infidelity, I'm sure. I wish it could be different.

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mmadwaite's picture
[8540]
Feb 16

@pickone When he says things that he doesn't remember later, at the time he says it, he acts like he's not there.

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[122565]
Feb 17

@mmadwaite You are very welcome!... I’m glad you’ve managed to remain free of the flu, as it’s been horrendous!... I totally understand everything you’ve told me. If anyone understands how devastating it is to face divorce, especially at a later age, it’s me. It’s an agonizing decision, but only one that you can make for yourself. But I need to say that the guilt you feel for filing for divorce, is unwarranted. The guilt, feeling responsible for someone else’s life and well-being, being driven to fix, rescue, or save someone are all traits of codependendency. Those are your issues, and not his, and you are only responsible for yourself. There needs to be a line or boundary between feeling guilty or selfish for not sacrificing your happiness and well-being for someone else. You don’t owe anyone your life, and feeling guilty is a perfect example of that issue, or unhealed wound inside yourself, which is why you are in an abusive relationship. It certainly sounds like he may qualify for the NPD diagnosis. As we’ve mentioned, very few narcissists are ever diagnosed. His refusal to see that he has issues that need to change, and his denial of what you tell him, is a sure indication of high-level narcissism. Also as mentioned in the above comment, you staying in the marriage, continuing to suffer abuse, and denying yourself happiness, will NOT help or change him. There will be two unhappy, miserable people instead of one. If he has had 7 failed marriages, with him being the common denominator, and that doesn’t prove that narcissists cannot have healthy, successful relationships, then I don’t know what would prove it. Do you think those 7 ex-partners should feel guilty, and blame themselves?... When he acts or seems like he’s not there it’s called disassociation, which is disconnecting from that part of the psyche. Comparing it to a physical action, it is like removing oneself from the room, going into a different room, and shutting the door. He’s shutting an emotional door to block out what he refuses to face or accept. It goes beyond not remembering, it’s simply blocked out of that part of consciousness; like it never existed........

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mmadwaite's picture
[8540]
10 hours ago

pickone….Again, thank you for your insightful reply. I have considered that I am codependent. I guess I rejected the idea because I don't have low self esteem (I use to). Now after reading this and some other things again, yes; but I don't think I'm a high level codependent. I did have the horrible childhood that would yield a codependent. I was afraid and introverted as a child and a teen, but I was able to change and grow with college and a career. Unfortunately, my first marriage was to an alcoholic, pot smoking musician. This is my 2nd marriage, and I had a wonderful life planned which he quickly dismantled. I'm a total fixer but I think that's because of what I did for a living. I know that I can't fix him, not now that I understand the nature and plethora of his problems. But before when I was told that he had PTSD, yes, I was always doing research to understand the disorder. Then I would have something to blame and a way to help or fix it. It never made sense that all our problems were from PTSD. I'm truly just staying in the marriage right now because of money and what he took; but that issue is soon to go away. You are so right his exes feel no guilt even though he always told me that one of them wanted him back. Also, he was his dad's favorite, he was his mom's favorite, and his middle brother is jealous of him. One evening he read something to me that he was impressed with from Facebook. The next night at a dance, he was bragging to some guys all about it and that he did an analysis. It's laughable, on and on it goes. We both tried to break it off before we were married and it would just never stick, even though I knew there were issues. Finally I married him because he said "We are both intelligent people and if we have problems, we'll go to counseling." Well, we're not both intelligent and he isn't going to counseling. I'm definitely going to do some reading or something to help myself and improve my perceptions about relationships.

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