So today marks 1 year since DDay for my wife. I feel horrib

painandregret's picture
[1390]

So today marks 1 year since DDay for my wife. I feel horrible. She is VERY angry. I wish I could steal the pain away from her. She asked me to watch the kids while her friend and her go out for a drink. Of course I said yes. As she was getting ready I just looked at her and said she looked beautiful. I also said that I am sorry for my betrayal. Her response always gets to me. I don't know how to respond. She said "you are only sorry you got caught" and she follows up with "you obviously felt a certain way and didn't want us". I continue my fight. She doesn't know what's next in the divorce which gives me some hope. When I ask her if she wants me to sign that I received the separation paper she says yes. I then ask her about the divorce details and she locks up and gets frustrated. She says she doesn't know what's next. How can you make such a serious decision and not think it through. Is she in a state of confusion? I am so lost. I want to be with her through this but she won't take the next step. I am afraid she is only doing it because she wants me to know that I cannot hurt her and that she needed to make a statement. I fear that she will get so far down the path and crack. I pray for her and her family. They seem to be orchestrating most of this.

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Rainbow.'s picture
[2410]
Jan 18

@findingfaith
I just read the long reply.. unfortunately I am alone in this foreign country and I have nowhere to go.. but I have done some of the things you mention: browsed the internet and shared the information with him, he is recognising everything by keeping silent.. we talk every night about it and I ask for reassurance like "did you understand what made you say those sexistic things, that attractiveness is the effect on clothes and your mind allowing your unconscious to buy into it, that your body released hormones that made you feel good and that this is BETRAYAL because you are supposed to feel these things for your wife only", we also talked about the disrespectfulness with those sexistic comments.. I talked a lot with him but he always reassured me.
I also met my husband at age 17, he was 16 (6 months difference). We are now 30 and he did admit this happened a few times. My husband only saw this woman once in the office during a meeting. The woman was clearly dressed very provocatively for a work environment (her coat covered her short dress and had black boots up to her thigh, black tights showing the bit of leg between the boot and the coat.. u can picture it). He admitted he sometimes saw one or the other woman on the street and that once they are gone they are "out of sight out of mind", that really irritated me. I will tell him today it is not about "out of sight, out of mind". I am trying to educate him to only look at me in that sexual way and no one else.. in this latter case at work he had praised her intelligence etc so he went a bit overboard.. but he is reassuring me that he changed the way he sees women in tight clothing etc.. I still need to talk to him because we have a lot of communication problems..
Your hb seems to have actually met and texted someone.. god. But the way I reacted was as if he had f%cked someone else.. it really, really hurt to hear those praises for someone else. Were you two madly in love during your 30s? Did this really shock you or was it completely unexpected of your hb and you feel as if you don't know him? I am just interested to know.. for me it felt that was and I just wonder what the many years of marriage will hold in this respect, thank you for listening!!!

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[100]
Jan 18

I am confused. You betrayed her, but admit you made a mistake. And she's upset/mad/hurt and wants a divorce, but you don't?

My ex cheated on me - I totally get where your ex/wife is coming from - she needs time. And if you want to keep your marriage, you need to prove to her that you are in it 100% - are you going to counseling? Is she? Together, alone?

I wish you the best, whatever outcome happens.

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painandregret's picture
[1390]
Jan 18

@RLWinter Yes I betrayed her and she wants the divorce. We both stepped out of the marriage but I own 110% the relationship with the OW after the time together. There are things in our marriage that we need to work on. None of that matters until we are able to work through the betrayal and find a safe place to have conversations. Thank you for the well wishes. I too hope she finds peace and is willing to talk (in detail) about us. I continue to see my therapist and pastoral team. She recently agreed to meet with a councilor but not for reconciliation. We are looking for help to navigate through the divorce so we can talk openly and be good for the kids.

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