I'm really hurting today. My wife is leaving me for a man sh

I'm really hurting today. My wife is leaving me for a man she was sleeping with for at least a week before she told me she wanted a divorce.... I came here at the recommendation of a friend and family member. I'm hoping it helps me through the pain and grief.

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Sdiamond1026's picture
[28030]
May 21

@JustHeart
She has bad depression and mental illness. I guess I stay because I think the mental stuff is the cause and it's not the real her and maybe she can't help what she's doing if it's in her head. She has every symptom of BPD and last week I took her to a new psychiatrist. They pretty much said she has some bipolar components and BPD components and they tend to overlap. So they gave her new medicine to try and treat the bipolar type symptoms. That was a week ago. Last night we had our typical fight when I asked for sex. This time she told me she has anxiety when she is around me and has PTSD from years of me pressuring her and forcing her to have sex. I do admit this happened. I never physically forced her. I would ask for sex and she would give me excuses, (tired, back hurts, sick, whatever). At some point I would get upset because it seemed that she would never just say ok or never just come to me out of the blue and initiate. So, yes, I guess we stared resenting each other maybe. I would ask, she would say no, I would say why? She would get mad and say because I don't want to. I would say, you never want to. Then she would tell me to do it myself. I would sometimes say, you are my wife and why can't we have sex, what do you want me to do. I'd get so mad at times that I would say, fine, I'll go get it somewhere else. A lot of the time, she would say, fine just do it then. So I would. Then after she would say I can't believe you could do that when you knew I didn't want to and it's just like you raped me. I'd say, you let me, I didn't rape you. Then there were times when she told me she needed incentive to want to have sex. She wanted money. So I would actually pay her for sex. Little did I know that during her affair, I would pay her and she would take that money and use it to pay for another massage so she could go have sex with him. I don't know why she never wanted sex with me but the pattern started long ago I guess where she would resent me asking. So instead of trying to make things better, it would make her withhold it more. She cheated on me before we were married and I only wanted to feel loved and wanted to bond with my wife and have sex like any other couple. I don't think I was asking for much but I was hurt for years over her previous cheating. So I wanted to know she really loved me and sex was a good part of that for me. Plus I'm a normal human being and man that has sexual needs. I told my wife I have PTSD from her cheating. She says she thinks she cheated because of her mental issues. She said she wanted sex with him and had a sex drive because she was in control and he wouldn't get mad if she said no. So now she says she is in control and it's her body and she feels that she never had control of her body because of the way I treated her. I said I feel like she is punishing me now because she resented me asking for years. She said she ain't punishing me but now she has a voice and has control and she doesn't feel like she wants sex with me so she isn't going to have sex with me until she does. I said marriage is about compromise and it doesn't sound like you are willing to compromise. I said, no single person should be in control. I said fine, let's compromise, I'll be fine with sex twice a week. Now I won't ask and you can come to be twice a week whenever you feel you want to. That way you are in control. She didn't like that plan. She says it puts too much pressure on her and she doesn't want that and doesn't want exact numbers of times and will come to me if she wants to and if it takes a month so be it. It sucks to live this way. The only chance I have for this to work is to do whatever she dictates I do. I have to go as long as it takes to prove to her that I can wait until she comes to me for sex. She says I am being disrespectful by not being considerate of the way she feels and if I ask for sex right now I am not being respectful and have learned nothing. She says I f$$ked her up in the head from years of pressuring her for sex. The whole thing is messed up. I didn't intentionally try and hurt her and only wanted to do what normal couples do, love and have sex. She tells me if I can go without asking and wait for her, it will turn her on more or maybe make her want to. I've waited 3 weeks and she still didn't come to me so I don't know if I believe her. Of course she tries to play mind tricks on me. She says stuff like, if you really love me and will do anything for me, then you should be willing to not ask for sex right now until I feel more comfortable around you and don't have anxiety about it.

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Sdiamond1026's picture
[28030]
May 21

@roommate
See my last post, if gives more detail on what's happening.

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[15515]
May 21

@Sdiamond1026
In all l fairness, the moment you demand sex from your wife or get mad because she doesn't put out. ..you can expect things to go downhill very quickly. It will make her resent you and hate sex. Of she sees you pout because you didn't get any, you will not be appealing anymore sexually. At All. My husband n did this to me. I found texts where he and his buddies were laughing at me. I was the 'ice queen.'
I wanted to be with him and I felt terrible guilt because I couldn't. I never cheated on him. I now know that he was emotionally disconnected from me. He couldn't express his feelings, which is what every woman wants. We need it to feel connected to our husbands. We also want to feel special in our husband's eyes. Without those things sex ain't gonna happen... Orr we will do it just to get yall off our backs.
Start treating her special. Tell her sex is off the table for a month or however long. Tell her not to worry or feel pressured in that area. Then spend the time you would have spent fighting about sex to truly try and take care of her. Open up to her and make her your #1 priority and see her fall in love with you again. Ive read your posts. I know this isn't going to be easy but if you want to save your marriage. .. try.
Right now I'm mad and wanting to smack my cheating husband. But I'm going to fight to the end trying to be a good wife to him. Trying to make him happy. And caring. It's da*n hard. The thing is.... SOME BODY has to start. Somebody has to make the first move. I'm making the first move in my marriage. It sucks but I do see I tiny gimme of hope since I've started. I hope this makes any sense at all. I'm rambling. I'm the betrayed one too. Just bite the humble bullet and try.

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