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Good morning. New here and new to the world of divorce and i

Good morning. New here and new to the world of divorce and infidelity. Divorcing after 25 years after finding out wife having affair and wants divorce, no other options, no counseling just done, after 25 years and two kids. Could sure use some help and coping mechanisms here.... I’m utterly devastated

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Sdiamond1026's picture
May 18, 2019

They get over their guilt faster than you get over the hurt. So they win.

May 19, 2019

@Hurtdad each new thing that happened in your life is a major stress event that could effect your mental and physical health, moving, new job, and now a divorce, it's good you are posting here, I had a heart attack when I was younger and believe stress played a big part in it, please take good care of yourself it's good you work out, and post for support, a counselor you trust in real life can help you too!

May 22, 2019

wow, what roller coaster of emotions. Life is not getting easier that is for sure. Its been about 9 weeks now since I found out about everything. We continue to have daily conversations, mostly driven by me, where I am trying to gain clarity and make her "see it". She can't. She can't see how her actions of continuing with this affair are setting up ou children for a world of hurt. I tried to explain the various ways this ongoing affair is effecting our current lives. No we are not trying to salvage our marriage, but we are trying to salvage a functional relationship to be the best parents for our children. I outlined in writing in a very detailed, thoughtful open my heart way the various ways having this person in our lives is affecting my relationship with our kids (I am very short tempered), my relationship with her ( we are getting ino emotional arguments multiple times a day over this, my performance at work, and even her well being since these constant conversations we have are tough on her as well. I put all this in wriing, spending over two hours drafting it as carefully as I could. I was then told that I am exaggerating the effect this affair is havin gon our lives, that while my feelings are my feelings, she disagrees with them and tells me in the end, my feelings are mine and mine to own. While I don't disagree, it does not mean that she has no role in this and can just continue something that is such a toxic stimulus to our family! Our conversations start out okay, but carry on for a long time. Eventually they get to a point where I will say things like " you obviously would never hurt our children, correct" and she acknowledges, and I will say " you understand that continuing this affair, our kids are likely going to find out, and they have met him, so they will put two and two together, and it is gray as to how much they will be hurt and affected, but likely that this will impact them in some way when they have learned you left our marriage for another man and NOT that is was neutral like we told the kids" and she acknowledges. I then say " so if you know the kids are likely to be hurt, and then you just said you never intentionally hurt the kids, then why are you doing it"... the answer is " I am doing the best I can to protect the kids". If she was doing the best she could, she would eliminate the risk altogether.
She told me the other day she would "consider" at least taking a break from talking to this other person while we focused on making our family better. ultimately she changed her mind for the time being " emotional torture for me as I thought she was doing that" and basically said " I will cut it off when I want to cut it off and you cant tell me to do it, it has to come from me"... which again is likely true, but that in the context of the letter I sent her telling her how damaging it is to have him in our lives while we try to repair things to be good parents is so hard to take. she just absolutely cannot see the damage she is causing. I refuse to think she doesn't care, but she acts like that. To hear your wife of more than 20 years say " I am no sure I want to put the brakes on my other relationship, I am in love (have known him for just a few months compared to our 20+ years) and he provides me with emotional support"... WTF have I been doing the last 20 years? In the end, these conversations only make me more anxious. I know the right thing to do is just stop, let her go, and talk only about crucial stuff having to do with the kids. Its just not that easy for me. She is being so selfish and so destructive and careless that its nearly impossible for me to watch. yet I must let go, I must move on and I must not care what she is doing and with who. If only I could wrap my heart and brain and get there together. I just can't understand why she doesn't see I. She did start her own counseling, so I am praying a good counselor will get her to wake up and see what she is doing? She has said on many occasions she wants to be alone, be independent and find herself. Then why the F if she in another relationship (while we are still married!!!!) it makes no sense. , She seems so lost, yet so sure of her self and her actions. It is so illogical, yet I cant fight logic with emotion, emotion wins 100% of the time. I need to learn not to care, nd just move on with my life. I will take care of the kids best I can. I still wonder if telling the kids that this was a completely neutral decision, while watching dad cry all the time and mom look relatively okay may not be the right thing. it might be confusing them.

She tells me she is consumed with guilt. and every time we talk that all I am doing is making her feel more and more guilty ,a nd she gets to a point where she can't take it anymore. I never wan to feel responsible for hurting another human, so while I feel awful if I make her sad, she is the one that put us and herself in this position and continues to do so, so how to I approach this? How do I also approach her just thinking after 25 years and me being completely blindsided that I should just be okay with all this? How am I supposed to be okay with the fact that to this day she swears up an down that we are getting divorced because she is unhappy, not because she is in love with another man. I am told th e other man has nothing to do with it. well if that's the case why the F is she having such a hard time breaking it off at least temporarily while we work on things? I have a thought on this. Deep in her heart, she knows she broke up her family over another man, so to do that and then leave the other man would eave her alone and guilty beyond repair, so I don't see it happening. Don't get me wrong, this relationship of hers will fail. you cant have two married people that broke up their families by cheating and lying get together and expect that to last, with a long distance relationship to boot? I suspect she was unhappy, how much I don't know how. I refuse to believe she was SO unhappy that 1. I had no clue for several years and 2 she got be so unhappy that she completely gave up our entire family despite multiple conversations when we saw this with friends saying that would NEVER be us and will never ever give up and 3 thinking that this has nothing to do with an affair? seriously? I am an emotional wreck but I can't buy that. I think she was unhappy, has an affair, was consumed with horrible awful non survivable guilt, and at least sub consciously built the back story of how unhappy she was. You have to just the guilt or you cannot live with yourself right? so now she is not lying, she has convinced herself that she was really that unhappy. for the record, I take full responsibility for my part in causing any unhappiness. she didn't chose to be unhappy. It would have been nice to know that she had felt that way, and not be blindsided, but I equally don't blame her for that. I doubt she chose that path either. I do however blame he for having an affair that has ripped apart our family. that was a choice. It was a choice to do it, a choice to lie about it, and a choice now to continue it. Those are 100% on her. and when I say anything that remotely reminds her of that, she loses her self, and tells me not to remind her. I feel so stuck and awful still. my ultimate goal would be for he r to open up her eyes, see everything for what it is, an move forward in a positive way consistent with what she is telling me. a lot of damage has been done, but I can honestly say I would be willing to forgive with enough time everything. I cannot however forgive ongoing action. that is driving m away from be amicable like I am desperately trying to do.

This all seems so hopeless. I continue to get hurt with interactions, but stepping away is so difficult for me. We were together for more than 20 years. yet I know that is what is needed. I try to take care of myself but my thoughts wander back. I wonder if the kids should know more, I wonder if the other man's wife knows, if I should confront him ( he knows I know). I am not sure what that would do for me, and that is my primary concern right now... me and my kids. okay, that was a lot! Looking forward to the day when a turn a corner.

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