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My wife of five years chose to have an affair with a coworke

My wife of five years chose to have an affair with a coworker instead of addressing the problems in our marriage. She had been acting more and more distant, spending more and more time out of the house without me “with work friends” and I was none the wiser. I am the most dedicated and loyal husband you could imagine. I had NO clue what was going on until she mentioned she felt like she needed some space and wanted to separate. I knew some BS was going on.

I’ve been in love with her since our first date over 8 1/2 years ago and through the good and bad times, I’ve never faultered.

Within 3 weeks of me telling her I wanted a divorce, she moved out, having never once fought me on the issue. I’ve been suicidal for the majority of the time even with my amazing support system and family.

Things were finally looking a tiny bit positive towards moving on from feeling SO bad and finally thinking about a future without her, and she comes back. “I know now that you’re the man for me... we can fix this!” I hate her for what she did to me and for not fighting for us, but it’s the only thing I want... her to come back. Codependency.

Can anyone else relate? I’d REALLY like to talk with anyone else who is so conflicted.

We did divorce mediation and only have to sign the final agreement once the lawyer is done drawing it up, and she’s refusing to sign it. No matter what the future holds... I think we need the divorce. Is that stupid if I want to try to work things out? Every logical person I’ve spoken to tells me to stay away from her, permanently.

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Thank you faithful... Yes. I have tried to promise myself to continually distance myself more and more over the time that I'm gone. She'd really have to prove herself to me, which I don't see happening especially after more time passes.

Narodnik57's picture
Dec 12

@Stillstandingbutbroken Hang in there, brother. My experience with marriage counseling and 'working on it' taught me that counseling is nothing more than paying lots of money putting off the inevitable. I can't speak to the matter of fidelity with any judgment since I've been both the 'cheater' and the cheated upon. I suppose I have some sympathy/empathy for both sides, silly as that sounds to many.

My 2nd wife didn't cheat because she stopped loving me. She just fell in love with another man and she loved BOTH of us. I was the reliable, steady love/support/friends and the other guy was the new hot romance. She didn't leave me for him. The problems she created for me in other areas were much worse than just sex. I'll leave it at that. I chose not to judge her for sins I, too, committed (albeit in a different relationship.)

If there is any incentive to work things out after this, it might be due to financial issues. Eight and a half years. That's a huge investment. Property. Savings. I agreed to counseling with wife #2 because I was hoping to get more time to fix the finances before she filed for divorce. I learned a good deal about manipulation and lies that I hadn't before. We continued to have sex even while she was seeing the other guy.

All hope of reconciliation (not that I was hopeful) ended when she threatened to kill my dog.

Ultimately, it comes down to how YOU feel about what she did and if you're willing to try again. Our advice is meaningless outside of the support you receive and the knowledge that you are not alone.

Good luck.

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Thanks very much for sharing your insights, Narodnik. I am keeping a somewhat open mind at the moment. I am certain that we need the divorce in order for her to feel any repercussion from me and my side. If we choose, together, to have any relationship going forward, that remains to be seen after I take this time away, for myself. She seems to be sounding desperate, but that's just also her MO and she knows what I "need to hear" in order to keep any hopes alive for herself, even if it's just a backup plan.
Time will tell me what the truth is, and I'm going to keep preparing for the most likely result, which is that the divorce is finalized, and we eventually go our separate ways. She's got a lot of work ahead of her if she wants to work on this...


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