I'm new to this forum. I am a husband currently, married to

I'm new to this forum. I am a husband currently, married to a wife. Last October, I found out that my wife had been having an affair with another woman for the previous 8-9 months. I found out by finding messages exchanged between them talking about how much they loved each other, how important they were to each other, and how much they enjoyed being together physically. I called her out on it in early November. Since that happened, they've continued to see each other, but "the physical part of the relationship is over." It seems like it is, based on behavior patterns, but I have zero faith in that comment. Since that's happened, I've taken a new job- where I feel valued, important, and loved. At home, not so much. I feel pretty much nothing.

I've cried all my tears and done all my complaining and lamenting why I'm in this situation. For the last 2-3 months, my wife has been much more conversational and less detached. But I can't seem to care. I don't see her for who she was, all I see now is what most of 2016 was spent doing. I feel like, in my heart, I want to be done with the marriage. I don't see any way a feeling of intimacy could ever return, since every one of my secrets, fears, and hopes went to this other woman.

Since "dday," I've slept in the guest bedroom. We talk very infrequently and she hasn't worn her wedding ring since last summer. I don't fear the future of divorce, I just fear what might come and letting down her family (who are incredible). My biggest questions on here are: what does it take to get this coldness of heart gone?
-Am I a **** for feeling like I do, with no desire to be "husbandly" to her? (anecdote: she graduated with her doctorate on Saturday, and I only felt a vague pang of pride. It was almost like I was watching a movie rather than watching my wife go across the stage).
-I've felt "single" for months now. We haven't so much as voluntarily HUGGED each other, let alone be any kind of intimate. I would never, ever, ever, ever, EVER act upon any inclination of affection for someone else while I'm still married because that would make me no different than what caused me hurt. But there's another woman who has shown affection to me and we get along well (we go to the same fitness class). Am I wrong for daydreaming about that for how my situation is?

Everything else in my world is great: job, friends, family. Just not my marriage. And my emotions are all mixed up.

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May 19, 2017

@Jenn4473 very wise advice. Thank you for sharing. It is true in desperate times yearning for companionship ANYONE looks good and is good enough for now. Great insight.

Jenn4473's picture
May 20, 2017

@Rainbow. But she is married to a man. It seems like it would be best for all involved to take some time to do some serious thinking.

May 20, 2017

fitness: I am sorry you have been through this. It is certainly not your fault that your wife has either discovered that she is gay or bi, but since she has been with another woman (or if someone had been with another man, either way) it indicates there's a problem in the marriage if someone strays or she is just at a point in her life where she has "come out". Whatever it is, it would seem like this marriage is over and I would consult with a divorce attorney to see what is at stake. Take some time for yourself to think and heal and be with supportive friends and./or family.


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