We all spend a lot of time venting and talking about what we
We all spend a lot of time venting and talking about what we have been through. Which is great, it is hard to find a place to release what we think and feel.
Today I want to ask everyone what have you learned and what will you never accept in the future after what you have been through.
For me I will no longer accept or accommodate people in my life who are not 100% invested in staying in my life. Yes when you start dating you are not getting married, but you should also not have one foot out the door.
Don’t want to participate in a family function, that is fine, bye, next.
Not sure what you want, that is fine, it is obviously not me then.
I ask you nicely to not do something that drives me nuts, and you insist on pissing me off and gas lighting me because I am mad, GTFO, the door is right there.
You make a mistake or hurt my feelings and when I cry tell me I am “manipulating you” Bbubububy.
You try to diminish me to make yourself feel better, hell no. I have no time for that.
Want to bully or nag my daughter, I know where to hide the body.
Don’t want to have a weekly date night? Sorry I did not realize you were stupid, next.
So what is it for the rest of you?
As we flailed about, so have others. Learn to trust your "spidey senses", rather than follow hard core rules, or you will appear and as if you are jaded or superior to the rest of the human race, and which might be narcissistic traits as well. Once you identify as that, it's possible you will identify with some of the others. There is no logic when dealing with feelings, so honing your intuition might be your best weapon of defense. I understand why you might put rules in place, but hope you learn to release the emotions associated with having been victimized. Having been victimized does not make you a victim. Simply learn to be in control while allowing events to unfold before hastily rejecting others for rule violations you've put in place. You might hurt you more than anyone else should you take that stance, and none of us wants to know it could happen to you or anyone else who endured their own Narci encounters. Best of luck!
There's two things I have learnt. Firstly to trust my instinct. If I sense something is off it's not me being paranoid, something is off and I will always listen to the words people are using. A narcissist gives themselves away and I don't want another one in my life. Secondly I've learnt that I'm good enough. It's about what I feel and that's what's real to me. No one else should have the power to control that and I will never give away that power again. My life is in my hands not someone else's.
What will I never put up with again? Someone who is confused about who they are. I have this need to help people. Well whoever I'm with now needs to know who they are. I don't want to be with someone who needs something from me. That's not healthy. I will never put up with someone who spends more time talking about themselves than asking how I am or showing interest in me, it should be 50/50. I will also take things slowly in future. If it's too good to be true it often is.
I've learned that once I know my trust has been betrayed that I should listen to my gut before the other person. I've learned that I can forgive infidelity but there is no point in trying if I do not get a sense of genuine remorse. I've re-learned something that I knew in high school but somehow forgot towards the end of a toxic marriage: that trust and communication are of utmost importance in a healthy relationship and if either are dwindling they must be addressed at once. I've learned not to accept a partner who doesn't share their feelings or emotions with me. I've learned that if I'm vacuuming the floor and my partner won't even lift up her feet when I'm vacuuming around them, she is not a team player. I've learned that someone who adamantly refuses to work full time for years but then, when the issue is forced, demands to be allowed to go to school full time without working at all, is a parasite which must be dispatched. I've learned that ignoring a liar's lies, allowing a spender to spend to their hearts content and allowing someone who is not in touch with their emotions to avoid talking about them for years may make my life less stressful but that someone with these types of traits will create far more problems given these freedoms. I've learned that when an argument starts over something frivolous and then changes topics 10 times in the next hour, the person arguing does not realize what they are upset about or is cleverly avoiding talking about something. I've learned that spraying perfume on my partner because she will not put it on herself, even though she had stated she wanted me to come on to her more often does not do nearly as much as seeing her TRY to get perfume out of an empty bottle herself. I've learned that someone who doesn't understand how omissions of the truth can be classified as a lie is not worth my time. I've learned that someone who won't answer a question with the words "I don't know" is dangerous in my life. I've learned that someone who asks me questions but then doesn't give me time to answer them, they are trying to tell me something, not ask me something, and my answers do not matter. I've learned that when someone ignores me when I tell them I don't feel the way that they think I feel, it is a sign that trust is far gone. I've learned what it's like to bullied, which is a several-page-long topic in itself. I've learned that a refusal to prioritize things, be them home improvements, discretionary purchases, relationship issues or life goals is an tactic taken by someone who wants to play the victim or complain about "control" when the truth is that they were being manipulative the whole time.