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Listen, I don't know what to do anymore. I have 2 girls, age

Listen, I don't know what to do anymore. I have 2 girls, ages 11 & 5. My 11yr old started therapy mid September because I felt she felt she was in the middle of everything . Her dad places her in situations she shouldn't have to be in. Talks to her about how this situation is not fair, told her that he loves me and misses me but I don't let him come back home, he would harass her while she was with me- calling/texting/video chatting and would threaten to take away the phone if she didn't answer, tell her not to tell me things or lie because I would get mad. On numerous occasions i would tell him via text to stop and when we went to mediation I had them limit phone calls to a certain time period and put there that she shouldn't be put as a messenger or talk bad about the other parent. You would think this is common sense to anyone. Well I noticed yesterday she was hiding when texting him and she also just likes to watch TV on her phone when she's here. I let it all slide but my feelings were hurt. Then I had told her to put away her laundry, just told her once and I trusted she would. When we got ready for bed I saw she left it all there so I began to ask her why did she feel it was ok to disrespect me and to hide things from me. I asked her why she was hiding and brought up on numerous occasions I felt she thinks I'm not to be taken seriously. I got a lil emotional and told her that it hurt me that she saw me as the bad guy because she believes this is all my fault when it was her father's choices to get up and leave. I reminded her that I care about what she feels and that she needs to speak up in she feels in the middle. She needs to forget about my feelings and her dad's feelings. He had a habit of lecturing and only wanted responses of what he wanted to hear. I reminded her that was not what I was about and I struggle that he programs her one way and I have to teach her that that is not healthy. I also reminded her that there is my side, his side and the truth and to not base judgments if he is over here venting . I constantly tell her these are not your problems. These are our problems and for her not to worry but he continues to think it's ok to tell my daughter to not tell me what they talk about because I'll get mad and he told her was deleting all his text messages because I will use them against him in court. I don't even know what to do anymore. Telling him clearly does nothing. He'll just use it as fuel that I'm trying to tell him what to do and doesn't see the real point. He really is a POS and needs a good a** whooping...there I said it! I was really trying to get on the high road and not wish him wrong but wtf is he trying to do. Manipulate my kid who just turned 11 in Sept!

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Michael72's picture
[500]
Dec 5

Unfortunately, I have experience with this as well.

I was 12 when my mom tried to pit me against my father, telling me if I testify against him we'll be able to keep the house. I hated her for it.

My kids used to go to their mother for their issues, feeling she was easy to talk to. During the divorce and afterwards, she told them things about me that weren't true. I kept my mouth shut and didn't defend myself because I didn't want extra stress on them. The less they were involved in ANYTHING, the better.

She can bad mouth me to them, they would vent to me, and I would just say "I'm sure your mom loves you, she's just going through some stuff. Try not to let it bother you". I knew the way she was behaving was unhealthy, so I stepped back, stayed out of it, and let do what she was doing.

Sure enough, the kids eventually started to tell me they can see what's going on for themselves.

It's hard, but sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing but reassure the kids that mom/dad loves them and don't get sucked in to their BS. The kids will see for themselves what's normal and what's not, believe me.

Also have a friend who went through a divorce, and she would vent to me all the time because her ex was telling her kids things that weren't true and it infuriated her. Sure enough, the kids eventually got tired of their dad's act, don't want to be around him, and it pushed the kids closer to their mom.

It's hard and unfair to them, but they usually only damage their own relationship with the kids when they act like this.

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chasethetruth's picture
[7470]
Dec 5

@Michael72 I 100% agree with this. My daughter from first marriage lives with her mom from age 3 to 17... She heard and witnessed all of her mom’s crap through the years. I just provided a safe, loving home for her when she was with me visiting. Guess what? After her Junior year in high school she had had enough... came to live with me... for her SENIOR year of high school! She had finally gotten so fed up here mom’s lies and bad mouthing me, she left.

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jim111's picture
[22495]
Dec 5

In a marriage that's good, bad or in between. They say it only takes one good parent to bring the kids up fairly well.
It sounds as if you all know what your doing. And your working towards being the best parents you can be, in spite of your spouses.

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