Good Morning, I never thought I would find myself on a page

Good Morning, I never thought I would find myself on a page like this and yet here I am. About 5 years ago after the birth of our 3rd child, communication between my wife and I came to a halt. I am not sure if it was the stress of now being outnumbered by kids, but we simply stopped communicating. At the time I was assigned to a large project at work and was teamed with a female colleague and as a result we got to know each other on a more personal level. I will admit I felt guilt as I could open to her about certain items and not my wife, but there was something that seemed easier and as a result I would hide/delete messages to avoid potential conflict. My wife accused me of emotionally cheating and I agreed to seek counseling. Please note that I never had a physical relationship with my former coworker. I went to several years of counseling and things were better for awhile. Sadly my career continued to advance and it required to focus my attention on work and less on home and the communication began to break down again. During my first round of therapy it was determined that my wife is a words of affirmation person and communication is what she craves. As a result of my career and its demands I unfortunately focused the wrong direction. In 2018, I was offered the opportunity of a lifetime to advance my career and my wife and I agreed to accept the position as it was an opportunity at a better life for our family. While the attention to work was still there it allowed us a more financially stable solution and better education for our children. As I settled into my career, my wife noted she would like to return to the workforce and I agreed and she accepted a night shift supervisor position, so we now work on opposite schedules. Several weeks ago, the pandemic, working opposite schedules and issues with extended family finally blew up and she told me she was done and wanted a separation, but still live together. I agreed and she noted she wasnt looking for anything she just wanted a break to see what she wanted. Now several days ago I discover she has already created an online dating account and is talking to another male, but he is just a friend and nothing more. They communicate via snapchat, we I discovered messages are erased after they are read and she has completely changed all her passwords, but I am somehow supposed to trust her. As we have again agreed to marriage counseling, she has stipulated that she be allowed to continue to develop "friendships" with others as well as continue to live in the same house. Now mind you we hardly see each other because of work, but should I accept this? I know I have made my fair share of mistakes in the past, but my fear is she is going to just say it wasnt enough at the end of counseling and walk away to a new life she had been forming all along. I guess that is a risk I am willing to take, but would appreciate any guidance any one on here may have. We start marriage counseling again on Saturday, but she essentially takes no blame for the situation we are in and I fear she will not be committed to fixing our marriage, but more so in gaining tools of how to co-parent as a divorced couple. Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated, it has been a rough couple of days.

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SimonaAlex's picture
(10370)
Nov 25

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I've never been cheated on, so I have no idea how it can happen. Reading your post, you don't sound like a bad person. Yeah, pandemic can also affect our relationships as we cannot see each other again. Are you aware of your wife's online activity? Has she done anything suspicious?

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(40)
Nov 25

I am going through a similar situation. I hope you remain strong and focused on what is important (and that you can control) - you. I have found that I am my most confused when I have failed to make a decision. It seems the basics are a good place to start. "What is it that I really want?" I hope your journey leads you to peace and happiness. Good luck

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beth65's picture
(38515)
Nov 27

@jamiemaddrox2020 I agree. If you didn't have to contact that person why did you?

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