I feel like hope only brings hurt. Today marks the beginning

Kinta's picture
(245)

I feel like hope only brings hurt. Today marks the beginning of my 3-rd month in a hospital. The doctor keeps telling me I'll be able to go home after 6 full months of treatment. And yet, deep down I'm hoping for a miracle. Every time she walks in, I'm hoping for her to say "We've seen your recent lab tests, things are looking good, you can continue your treatment at home". And she doesn't. Every time I ask her if I could leave, she tells me to stop bargaining and accept the fact. Legally I could write a demand to be released, but I'm not sure I'm not contagious anymore (the result should be in this week). If I go home, they will replace my IV with pills. In any case, I need to know for sure I won't give this hell of a sickness to people I love if I come back.
.. despite having the best support network I could wish for (a loving partner, my parents, my sister), I feel like my life is over, I'm a body, a shell with no meaning or worth. Rationally I know this will end. It has to. Even if time has no more meaning to me, it will pass. It's just.. in the moment I'm really struggling to see the bigger picture.

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Kinta's picture
(245)
Feb 23

@bebobaBetty thank you so much for the comment and the good energy <3 we have a therapist here, but honestly I'm hesitant to talk to her about how I'm feeling because I don't want to end up in a mental hospital :D also meditation and spirituality have worked wonders for my mental state, I'm in a much better place now mentally <3

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(8225)
Feb 23

@Kinta that's all good to hear. I'm really glad your doing better, all things considered. I've been trying to convince myself to give meditation a real try but it hasn't been easy. Between my anxiety, me not being able to concentrate well or sit still, and my boredom/impatience it has been a struggle. I hope you hear positive things in regards to your progress review and when you're going to be able to leave the hospital. Are you able to go outside some during the day? Or are you not aloud?

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(128910)
Feb 24

@Kinta
True. Good to stay out of mental hospital. People label a person forever. Shameful because it keeps people from seeking proper care. Especially when they dont even test basic hormones to see if off and causing problems. Something more of an 'easy' treatment. So glad you are feeling better!!

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