Good morning hope everyone is well. I’m not able to sleep

Good morning hope everyone is well. I’m not able to sleep and have to work soon . Im exhausted and constantly thinking and worry I know it’s my depression and anxiety. I feel my life is so empty I know I should be grateful for all that I have but instead I just live in the past my kids when they were younger, why do I have to work so hard , why couldn’t the man I really loved at one time not leave, I feel pathetic.

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Jan 29

Thank you.

Scat's picture
Feb 1

@Pauline1234 You asked about coping with missing your child(ren) when the fact is your grown children bring up what bothers them about what they perceive as your flaws as a parent. What you're talking about is very near to my heart. I went through a similar thing as you, a single parent with two young girls. And after my divorce and remarriage my husband had an affair with a neighbor like your husband did. This is what is really sad about this type of thing, you're experiencing. Children's memories are perceived differently than all the facts an adult can see clearly. So none of their memories are identical to each others, or the same as yours. My oldest daughter literally made up memories about me, that were non existent, based on misperceived notions her father (my ex) had about me. My middle daughter thought I didn't care about her needing therapy, when I surely did, and made sure she got it, but she didn't like the therapist our insurance would cover. My son thinks because we raised him in our faith, we hate all gays, when it simply isn't true. When I took some psychology classes, decades ago, I learned about how children do this, misperceive reality. Part of what they experience, will actually be a flip, wherein they will think the better parent is actually the irresponsible one, and then idealize their irresponsible parent. This may be partly a form of denial, because it is too difficult to believe their other parent was so negligent or disrespectful in their treatment of their spouse. Or perhaps your children have the mistaken notion that you had more power available to surmount your difficulties, because it's hard for children to believe their parents aren't all powerful. Therefore, the best we can do, is admit our actual mistakes, not gas light them, but tell them we respect their opinion, yes, disagree about portions of how they recall things or maybe fill in the blanks where the details are sketchy for them. And another thing is understanding if they cannot forgive your true mistakes, this is an issue they have in their own spiritual and emotional life, that they must address in their own time and way. These things take a great deal of time and it's very painful to feel that rejection as a mother, knowing you spend your entire life sacrificing for their well being. And they also may be judging you hypocritically. My own daughters would criticize me for not leaving an unhealthy relationship, when they would stay in one, with a lot less stressors than I had to contend with. Like you, I had no help from family. I also had no father at all. Both my daughters judged me, when they both had their father to fall back on for a place to live and his financial support as an example. Basically, it boils down to having their own gripes and criticisms based on not enough information, or facts, and based on their own issues, weaknesses, stresses, etc. It's also about immaturity and them learning to grow to forgive our failures (let's face it, every parent has flaws, weaknesses, failures, and even those of us who tried our very best, given our limitations.) When your children, come around, and they will eventually, I know you'll be close because they know they were always loved by you, despite your imperfections. Another issue is whether your children have children of their own can make a huge difference. A grown child of their parent, cannot possibly begin to understand how difficult it is to be a parent, if they never were one. And add to that a single or divorced parent with no family support. You had a tough road to walk, that is for sure.

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Feb 2

Thank you so much.


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