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Since I've come home from treatment last October I've been s

Since I've come home from treatment last October I've been struggling to get my life together. When I was in treatment I journaled everyday, did artsy projects, mingled with people, set goals, and actually felt happy. I've been having a hard time utilizing those coping skills at home now. Not to mention I have been feeling very numb. I haven't been happy but I haven't been crying either. I feel like I am simply coasting through life right now. Merely existing. I've noticed that i am having more suicidal ideation and ive been cutting again. I ended up back in the hospital a week ago because of it. And I'm tired of it. I've been hospitalized five times now and ive been to four treatment centers in the past five years. You would think after all of that I could bring it together but I haven't been able to maintain a steady career or finish school. Every time I start doing well I have a mental break and then I have to start all over again. It's frustrating. Also Ive been going through this phase where I can't talk to people. At one point in my life I was very social and outgoing. I worked in sales and I had to to keep customers happy. Now I feel like I don't have a personality. My mind is foggy and blank. I can't think of fun topics to talk about anymore. I'm very quiet now. I just wish that I could find a happy balance in life, be independent, and connect with others.

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Hassan1991's picture
[940]
Feb 15

I was the guy who plants smiles on people’s faces, a funny successful intelligent and just happy! But that was a past and i wish i can have a time machine that could take me back just to fix one single problem that led me to a 6 years of loss! Lost myself, my friends and family members! And just lost the person i had been building for so long!! U need what i need i think just life to pay us back for what we have done to ourselves and to others!! I haven’t done any harm to myself but one day I might just end all of it!! Meds make me like someone who depends on taking pills and wait for a relieve but that just doesn’t happen! Been hospitalized but nothing big changed! Sorry I should support u but i think just me writing this could help us both u by knowing that ur not alone on this and me taking some pain out my chest! I wonder what happened to u that had u start changing downward! Wish u the best

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[410]
Feb 15

@Hassan1991 I used to be a bundle of positive energy. I could float from topic to topic and put smiles on peoples' faces as well. It's a desolate feeling when that trait just withers away. I often find myself dwelling in the past and I too wish I could have a time machine and fix everything since my depression started. I am just now starting to rekindle with friends and family after months of isolating myself. I've had a hard time communicating with them, but the more I call and spend time with them, the more I've been starting to feel like a little spark is coming back. It's little but it's there. And don't feel like you need to end it all. There is hope we just have to find it. As for meds, mine just recently changed, but they tend to just make me feel numb. The switch has me a little more emotional. I don't really feel much of a lift. Wondering if it's my lithium that's causing a disturbance. I've been diagnosed bipolar II with borderline traits but I don't identify with having as much mania. Maybe it's because I have been medicated for five years now. Anyway generally I just feel super depressed all the time. But with my hospitalizations and treatment, a handful did help me it's just the maintenance afterwards that I struggle with. I always start feeling a lot better in treatment because of the structure. In the real world I have such a hard time keeping a schedule for myself. You writing on my post definitely helps me. Receiving feedback makes me feel a lot better and it is good to know I am not alone. As for what changes me downward it's always a feeling of incompetency. I feel like I am not smart, I can't do anything correctly, and I start dwelling on all of my failures, trauma, and emotional neglect as a child. When it happens I just get sucked into it. Anyway I wish you the best too. Thanks for your post!

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Hassan1991's picture
[940]
Feb 15

It could be helpful if i was surrounded by positive people but the fact is that i’m living abroad away from anyone who used to be in my life! No communication, just episod after episod every single day!!! Ur actually doing good by recommunicating with others! But it’s really hard for me to do because I’m all alone here, additionally, i have already lost all my close ones! It’s a real tragedy
I’m sorry u had to deal with neglecting and trauma but lemme tell u this, when i was so happy in my life i had so much failure and being neglected and abused actually but for some reason happiness kept that all away from my mind and i wish it can do it again with me i promise i will never let go if it happens to come back but i hope it’s not a dream that that we can only get in sleeping!

Technology has changed the life but why can’t it just create a happy life? Maybe in the future!!

Thank you honey

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